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Can any of the vets somehow contact BlackBird via email or phone and coach her via that avenue? I think it's obvious the tough love she's received here isn't working.
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Can any of the vets somehow contact BlackBird via email or phone and coach her via that avenue? I think it's obvious the tough love she's received here isn't working. She hasn't received any tough love. She asked for advice and Dr. Harley himself responded and gave her advice. This is an anonymous board, nobody can call her and as Dr. Harley explained, some people just continually make excuses for why they can't take action.
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Tough love is exactly what's needed when innocent CHILDREN are at risk, it's not just her life that's destroyed it's kids safety at play here and I won't ever apologise for being harsh on a mother who refuses to protect her children choosing a drunk, abusive rapist over their welfare. There is no room for mollycodling an enabler in this situation, that's why I begged the moderators to get Dr Harley involved in this thread. This situation is dangerous.
Last edited by NB28; 01/31/14 12:24 PM.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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Can any of the vets somehow contact BlackBird via email or phone and coach her via that avenue? I think it's obvious the tough love she's received here isn't working. I disagree 1000%. Telling her what she wants to hear only serves to enable her. Do we tell her what she wants to hear so she will stay around? What would be the point of that? That is not my idea of support.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She's been told over and over what she needs to do. She hasn't done it - she's about to quit this site and run. She even asked for this thread to be deleted. Instead of banging heads against rocks I'm proposing offering her support via a more direct avenue than an anonymous message board. That is all. Of course she needs tough love - she needs a hammer over the head and someone to shake her up - but quite obviously the way we're doing it isn't helping.
Melody I was not referring to the advice she's getting - I think it has been spot on. I'm referring to the way it's being given.
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Dr Harley's advice was clear, gentle, kind and not put in a harsh manner, that also made NO DIFFERENCE.
She ran in 2011 when she didn't hear what she wanted to hear and she is back here again 3 years later in the same situation does not matter what people say or how much of a vet or expert they are in the field they are giving advice in she's blind to anyone else's opinion a part from her own delusional denial.
Running won't help her kids yet off she goes again, well see her in a few years when she's still being abused and in denial about it.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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Can any of the vets somehow contact BlackBird via email or phone and coach her via that avenue? I think it's obvious the tough love she's received here isn't working. The moderation staff does not give out contact information to posters. The forum is not structured this way. If you have any issue with this, contact the administrator by email, JustUss2@aol.com.
MBSync - moderator
mbsync100@gmail.com
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She's been told over and over what she needs to do. She hasn't done it - she's about to quit this site and run. She even asked for this thread to be deleted. Instead of banging heads against rocks I'm proposing offering her support via a more direct avenue than an anonymous message board. That is all. Of course she needs tough love - she needs a hammer over the head and someone to shake her up - but quite obviously the way we're doing it isn't helping.
Melody I was not referring to the advice she's getting - I think it has been spot on. I'm referring to the way it's being given. That is the benefit of a diverse population. We have no idea what will or won't get through. No one knows for sure. So I wouldn't agree that the way is wrong. We can't all assume our own way is the right way or that we know the right way.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Can one of the mods please contact BlackBirdFly to ensure her safety?
I have read your thread, BB.
I am praying for your kids.
Please follow the steps for Plan B.
Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK
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You should not have left. That was your mistake several years ago and you are repeating it.
Everyone was trying to help you. You don't have to like their advice but in all the time I have been reading on here seldom are the vets wrong.
Sadly you walked away from the best site online for help. You know what, I did too, and then came back because I realized this was the place to get the help I needed to restore my marriage.
More importantly I became a stronger better me. You need the same thing.
Continued Prayers for you BB and your sweet innocent children. May God protect you all.
HalfUnit
Me-BS-50
H-WS-46
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I see my thread is still here...
Perhaps advice is sound here, but delivery could be improved upon. Dr. Harley's advice was much appreciated, and yet not harsh or cruel....I actually copied it and read it a lot, I have done nothing but analyze every thought, memory, everything...trying to be as cemented in reality as I can be. I am truly trying my best to do the right thing. If I was only concerned with myself, I wouldn't have come here. I would have continued to ignore all the things that had been going on.
I know many of you speak out of concern, but on the other hand I have never been good with conflict and harshness, perhaps a character flaw, but it's how I am. Anyhow I see some were concerned so I just wanted to say we are ok. I am not the same person I was last time.
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I'm glad you're still with us.
Can you tell us what your plan is?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What is the plan, BBF? Has your husband moved out?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm glad you're still with us.
Can you tell us what your plan is? Well I'm still not 100% sure what my plan is. So far the plan is still polygraph and therapist for him. These two things will give me better information for what should happen from now on I think. They both happen this week now.
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I'm glad you're still with us.
Can you tell us what your plan is? Well I'm still not 100% sure what my plan is. So far the plan is still polygraph and therapist for him. These two things will give me better information for what should happen from now on I think. They both happen this week now. What about the plan Dr Harley gave you? Exposure of your husband's problems, and separation until there is solid evidence that his problems have become a thing of the past, and he can be safe to be with you and your children, is such an obvious next step for you, that it's impossible for the objective observer to recommend any other solution for you. It's the only way out. Your emotions are trapping you, not your husband. Once you are separated, and the truth is revealed publicly, you will find yourself freed.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are you separated? Have you exposed his behavior?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, I know no one believed me, but I did what I said I would do. He moved out on Friday. The letter was sent...instead of fully exposing I made it clear that I would like him to fully expose, and yesterday he did. So, the people close enough to need to know, know. It has been very difficult emotionally for both of us, difficult for everyone really. It's some pretty graphic, horrible stuff to throw out there and be judged over.
I don't want to separate long term....but sleeping arrangements will definitely be a long term separation. I realize that's the way it has to be.
I realize that I have been in an abusive relationship for some time. And I'm sure most people would like me to separate and divorce. But, we love each other, and we want to get proper help in the hope that some day, it will be a real marriage.
I am very happy to finally not be alone though. To have support is wonderful, it am so glad to not be carrying such heavy secrets anymore.
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Did you follow Dr Harley's instructions and expose his behavior and separate from him? Did you also expose to your children? I don't want to separate long term....but sleeping arrangements will definitely be a long term separation. I realize that's the way it has to be.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The letter was sent...instead of fully exposing I made it clear that I would like him to fully expose, and yesterday he did That is fine that he sent a letter, but it is important that YOU expose the truth to friends and family. Exposure is to be done by the betrayed spouse, not the wayward spouse. Not that he couldn't do it, as long as the truth is imparted BY YOU.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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WE had another wayward spouse who "exposed" himself to family and of course he glossed over and minimized his actions as most waywards do. Dr Harley instructed his wife to do the exposures: It's not a good idea for the unfaithful spouse to expose their own affair, or even join the betrayed spouse when the affair is to be exposed. The betrayed spouse should do it themselves for the reasons you have already mentioned. There's not much hope without EPs in place.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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