Then he should just stop drinking. Why? Because it is causing serious problems in your marriage. That is sufficient cause to stop. If he does not or will not, then that is sufficient grounds to label him an alcoholic. Alcoholics can go a long time without drinking. That doesn't mean they are not alcoholics. It is how they behave then they are drinking that is the problem.

We briefly talked this afternoon. He doesn't feel the drinking is a problem. He said he doesn't even enjoy it that much, just does it when he goes out. I think it would be good for him to stop, though. Our pastor has preached about it being wise to abstain.

We need to talk about him no longer going out, and instead finding a way to escape together. I think it would be nice if we could exercise together. That would be good stress relief, plus UA.

He is going to come home tonight and leave for his out of town trip tomorrow instead of going straight there tonight. Hopefully we can talk more about lifestyle changes we need to make.

The best reason in the world for him to not drink is because you aren't enthusiastic about him doing it.

That's one of Dr. Harley's central recommendations:
The Policy of Joint Agreement


And that's really the make or break core of Marriage Builders.

That is also a good reason for him to quit going out without you.

Dr. Harley suggests that three conditions be met before there are any independent recreational activities in marriage:
* You are each other's favorite recreational companion and are following the policy of undivided attention
* The recreational activity is not something done with members of the opposite sex
* Your spouse is enthusiastic about you engaging in the activity

Right now when you guys are rebuilding your marriage, point 1 in that list needs to hold your attention - leave off the separate recreational activities until you have become each other's favorite recreational companions. The idea is that even when you are doing something apart, your feeling is that it is fun but not as fun as the things you do when you are together.

Otherwise, you'll set up a contrast effect: the time you spend apart will be more fun and will make the time together worse by comparison. It will prevent the love bank deposits that are needed for recovering your marriage. A successful marriage really requires that the hours spent alone each week giving each other your undivided attention be the best part of your week.