Why would you say something as dumb as that. That is not exposing.

Exposing is saying that the OM is having an affair with your WW.

No more, no less.

You can never get sued for telling the truth.

Hi, sorry to clarify I did say that they were having an affair as well.

Sounds like I should be ok as I have not said anything untrue.

That is great!! Tell him you would welcome such a suit because then you could have his phone records and email records subpoenaed into court. He would have to give sworn testimony about his adultery.

In truth, most cheaters THREATEN to sue in an attempt to shut you up, but the TRUTH is a defense to slander and libel. We have NEVER had a cheater follow through on that empty threat.

Hi Melodylane, thanks for the information, really sets my mind at ease.

One more thing - I spent today sending messages to most of her friends telling them about the affair. My wife is a very private person and so is having a really hard time dealing with the exposure. She explicitly asked me not to tell her parents but I did anyway. she said that this is going to be a problem going forward as everyone knows so she will always feel guilty.

She has been so upset that she has packed her bags and is looking for somewhere to stay. She feels I have gone mad telling everyone. I also think the affair is definately over now.

Any ideas on how to deal with this?

The reason we laugh about this is because the threat is so retarded. The cheater has more to lose than the betrayed spouse so it is not in his best interest to sue you for slander when he would obviously lose. It would only serve to expose him MORE and get the adultery on record in a court of law!

Since the OM works every day right next door, that might be the best thing for you both. Is there a way you can get moved out of that house asap? This will be a doomed deal if you live right next door to where the OM works every day.

Sorry if I didn't make that clear we are moved out. She is threatening to move out of where we have moved to

I would remind her that guilt is a good thing, not a bad thing. It is our conscience's warning alarm that something is very wrong. Adultery is very wrong. If she didn't feel guilt, there would be something wrong with her.

I would let her know that you are willing to work on the marriage if she ends her affair and commits to a program of recovery. But that there is no hope unless she ends all contact with the OM. She will laugh at you at first, but you need to put the offer out there to lead your marriage out of the ditch. You can hand her this check list of your expectations:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

ahhhhh, gotcha!! Then you are in better shape that I thought!

I would read the post above and offer her an olive branch. Let her know you would work on the marriage under certain conditions.

abccba,

I don't think the OM wants to get in the witness stand and testify that he did not have an affair with your WW, that would be perjury. OM would gain a criminal record for that.

Threatening to sue for slander is a good indicator that your exposure is working, it's something that dirtbag OMs with no legal knowledge tend to do.

God Bless
Gamma

thanks again for all the information. I have suggested that we work on the marriage but she feels so much pain that she wants to run and hide from everyone. My worry is that she won't be able to get over the thought that everyone knows and is judging her.

She also thinks I have exposed in anger and that I won't be able to get over the affair.

abccba,

BTW, there is a good chance this builder uses his profession to scope out and seduce women, he does not want word getting out as some of the other husbands of women he has played might start putting 2 and 2 together.

God Bless
Gamma

The pain she feels is primarily from the ruination of the affair. You have wrecked her affair. I know she says it was over, but it was not. An affair is a powerful addiction and it is tantamount to taking the crackpipe away from the crackhead and bringing in a crowd of people to watch her. It is horrible!!

But as she withdraws and comes to her senses, she will feel better. She will be fine. Just be as comforting as possible.

He is probably having affairs with numerous women. That is usually what comes out with these playahs.

MelodyLane you know all the right things to say, thank you

You are doing great!!

abccba/Melody,

Why do we think we already know this OM..hmmm...

Although this OM acts tough he is actually scared of losing his professional reputation.

Ultimately you will need to get a polygraph for your WW her story of it being emotional only is likely hogwash.

God Bless
Gamma

When he did his bid for doing work for you, did he supply a list of references of previous customers?

I would send exposure letters to them too.

Also, there are many Contractor rating sites that his business will be listed on. Post the facts about what future potential customers may expect if they hire him.

That will hit him where it hurts and would be the truth, so there wouldn't be any libel involved.

You can Google his business phone number and multiple review or referral sites will show up in the search results.

LTL

Another question. My wife doesn't seem to be showing a lot of remorse yet. She has apologized and got upset but I think some of her sadness is because everyone knows. She is also down playing the affair to her friends and family and using the problems in our marriage as excuses. For example she said it wasn't an affair to one, it was only a few emails. This is not true, as I know she kissed him.

She is meeting several of her friends over the next few days as they have contatced her. I suspect she will make excuses again.

Given that its only been 2 weeks since discovery do I need to do anything or is it just a case that the fog will clear and I should focus on myself?