Hi all
A year ago I discovered that my husband had been living a lie for the duration of our 10 year marriage. He had had numerous affairs, and 2 of them had resulted in the birth of 2 children outside of our marriage (the one child was actually with a friend's wife). We have 2 children of our own, aged 10 and 6. In the past year I have been working on reconciliation with my husband and we have had our ups and downs. He admitted all that he had done and explained that for him it had been a 'male ego' thing, and all about his sexual prowess. In retrospect, he had a low self esteem and was looking for validation from these women. We also discovered that his relationship with his mother, and his upbringing, played a part in the life he led (please understand that he was not blameless, he still made the choices he made - I am in no way making excuses for him) He has completely changed his life around, is honest, attentive and is really trying all he can to win me back. Most times I am happy and have sometimes considered that discovering his double life might have been the best thing for our relationship. I do of course still have trust issues and some resentment, especially when I really think about what happene, however, I am working through these issues. Here is my question: What really bothers me is, how do I tell my children about their half siblings and when? We cannot go through life pretending that this didnt happen and at some point the children have to know. Also, should the step siblings be told who their father is, and should my husband be involved in those children's lives? Both are in families with fathers who have accepted them as their own. I have a problem with leaving things as they are and having those children and mine grow up not knowing the truth as I myself am a product of such a situation. The mothers of the step children have indicated that they are not interested in my husband being involved with their children, but I think they are just still bitter (only the good Lord knows why!). At some point these kids will need to know, question is when and how? I am also mindful that I need to protect my own children, but I fear they may be more hurt if this is kept a secret until they are grown. Should these four innocent children be encouraged to have a relationship while growing up? We live in the same city and sometimes I worry that they may date at some point not knowing their biological ties (I know im thinking way ahead but its been known to happen). I strongly believe children, however they were conceived, are innocent.Please help.

PS: We followed a biblical process for the restoration of our marriage, which is very similar (if not the same) to the principles taught by Dr Harley. We went through a process of telling each other EVERYTHING we had ever done, from our past to the present and of being honest about everything forthwith. One of the principles, which is the last and possibly most painful, is called Restitution, where my husband will need to meet with/communicate with the women involved(in my presence) and firstly apologise (yeah, you read right) for involving himself with them knowing that he was married etc. We havent gotten to this stage, I must admit its the one that makes me the most nervous.

Hi TMSA, welcome to Marriage Builders. Yours is a very difficult situation and unless you and your husband follow a very strict path, you aren't likely to make it. WE can help you stay on the right path with Dr Harley's suggestions. I would start by reading this thread: here


When 2 people rob the bank, the bank robbers don't owe each other "restitution;" they owe restitution to the bank they robbed. You are the victim, not the OW. This should never be done because it will jeopardize your marriage by triggering his feelings for these women. He does not owe his partner in crime a "restitution." He owes *YOU*, his wife, restitution and that comes from NEVER being in touch with his affair partners again. He owes you just compensation as outlined in Dr Harley's article and that means NEVER having any contact with these women again. Never. Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

That is not "bitterness," but wisdom. If your husband was hanging around it would wreck their marriages and YOURS. Do you want that? in order for their marriages and your marriage to EVER recover, there should be no contact for life. You cannot imagine the hell that couples pay when an adultery partner has rights in such situations. The marriages remain crippled and often end up divorced. The first priority must be the marriage and the children of the marriage. If all if left alone, the chances of all marriages recovering is vastly improved. So your husband should leave these people alone.

And if there is a chance that he will run into these women living in the same city, I would certainly move. Your families don't need to be perpetually reminded of the worst thing that ever happened to them.


It is not in their best interest to know each other growing up. It will threaten their parents marriage and that is the most important thing in their lives. Don't threaten their security. Leave these people alone. Protect your marriage.

Your husband had affairs because he has poor boundaries around women. It has nothing to do with his childhood. And he will have more affairs if his lifestyle is not radically changed and made so transparent that he CAN'T cheat again. What precautions have you put into place to ensure this never happens again?

I would get the book, Surviving an Affair and follow the program in it. Here is a list of extraordinary precautions from the book:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You are right to be nervous about this - it would be incredibly offensive and hurtful to you! Not to mention dangerous. Your husband should never see his former affair partners again, out of respect for you.

There is no way this process is Biblical. The Bible says "Let him that stole steal no longer." It does not say "Go pay everybody back," because sometimes it is not possible to pay everybody back. In this case, your husband can pay YOU back, but if he even contacts these women for whatever reason, it will be another crime against you. He can ONLY pay you back, not his accomplices in his crime. They are just as guilty as he is and do not need to be paid back, anyway.

You should get away from whoever told you this is "Biblical" and start reading the Bible regularly for yourself. God would never put you through such a horrendous trauma AGAIN for the benefit of some skanky whore who slept with your husband. That would be like a rape victim trying to pay back the rapist. The whores need to pay YOU back by never seeing or talking to your husband again and staying COMPLETELY out of your life so that you never think of them again and can heal.

Contact with a former affair partner will make it impossible for you to recover. You are the victim here, and you are the one who deserves restitution.

Be sure to read the book of Jeremiah from the Bible some day - it talks a lot about prophets who lie and claim their ideas came from God. 1 Kings 13 is another good teaching from the Bible on this subject.

Restitution to the co-conspirator and accomplice in the crime against YOUR Marriage and YOU personally???

How does that make YOU feel?

It seems half-azzed backwards to me.

The restitution is owed to you and your family. That is accomplished by No Contact for life and setting up EP's (Extraordinary Precautions), and following a proven successful plan of recovery.

How do you feel about restitution being made to the affair partners?

Does that seem Just and Fair towards you, the victim of their selfish indulgences?

LTL

**EDIT**

Dr Harley position is that there needs to be NC between the AP's for life.

You need to write to Dr Harley. Use the link below to get the contact info.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

On the bottom of that page there is an email address to contact Dr Harley's wife. You can submit your questions. They get answered on the marriagebuilders radio show. Even better if you include your phone number and then you can ask your question directly to Dr Harley on his radio show and his answer right then.

**EDIT**

Thing is those OW know that your WH knocked them up. Does not mean that those BH's know that those kids are not theirs.

Those WW's may claim to say their BH's know. Though that could be a lie on their part to continue doing damage control.

Though you think it is right for your WH and kids to have a relationship with the OC's. Chances are those BH's are listed as the dad on the birth certificates. Your WH would have to court to get visitation rights. Which will cost money. And a judge may not rule in your WH's favor. Though courts these days are ignoring the laws of presumption.

Law of presumption states that a child born in a marriage is considered the BH's child. The old law was based when there were no way to do DNA testing.

How old are your kids and the OC's?

I suggest that you get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Those that send in questions get a free copy of the book.

A friendly reminder to posters to take care to post Marriage Builders advice. If you are unsure of Dr. Harley's position, please refrain from posting. Thank you

**EDIT**

Dr Harley is quite clear in his advice that if the couple wants to protect the marriage, then the WH needs to be NC with the OCs.

I will be back later with a link when I have more time - but for now we must not steer this marriage into the dangerous waters of contact with OCs. That is absolutely contrary to Dr H's standard OC advice.

**EDIT**

There is thread after thread about this in the pregnancy forum. Several of the posters have counselled with Dr H and this is what he ALWAYS says, and he gives his reasons why. There are radio shows in that forum with that advice, and there is also an advice column about this, on the site.

A warning to posters to familiarize yourself with Dr. Harley's material before posting. This is not the platform for personal philosophies. Please help this poster with Dr. Harley's advice. If you don't know his material, we ask that you refrain from posting. Thank you

I see you've changed your post, but anyway, those children are not "deprived of a parent" - they have a parent in the OW's husband.

The same is true where a WW with an OC wants to keep her marriage together. Dr H advises not telling OM that WW is having his child. Do not do a DNA test. Do not ask for child support. If OM find out anyway and insists on visitation, do not admit anything without a DNA test that he enforces through the courts. (Courts won't always do this.)

There was a thread on SaA about a year ago where Dr H on the radio show advised not telling the other BH about the affair, because the WW was pregnant and the OM would soon work out that this must be his child, and try and force contact. If a couple wants a chance at recovery they must protect the marriage first and foremost. Contact with an OC (hers or his) is always a risk of contact between the APs to the detriment of the marriage.

If people do not know Dr H's position on OCs (something that he has advised on many times, given that affairs often produce OCs) then they should not post their own views! That is dangerous to the marriage!

Dr. Harley on NC with OC:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3684
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3685
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3686

Hi

Thank you for all your comments, I appreciate your advice. May I just clarify a few points:
- i understand that the reason he had affairs is his lack of boundaries etc and that he can do it again. We are trying everything we can and are following the principles detailed above.
- restitution, in this instance, was supposed to be for his own benefit and mine as well, not necessarily just for the women. It would certainly be a very uncomfortable process for me. Note that the counsellor we are working with is not forcing anything down our throats, but merely making suggestions according to the way that he works.
- when I say the OW are bitter, it is because when the relationships between them and my spouse were severed, they swore that he would never have any contact with the children, not as a way of protecting them, but as a way of punishing them for breaking it off. It had nothing to do with wisdom and wanting to protect their marriages. One of the women actually said if her daughter finds out she will tell her that my husband was not interested in her at all. While this is a messy situation, he had wanted to do right by these children anyway because as I say above, they are innocent in all this.
- I grew up in a situation where my father had me and my sister then went a married someone else and totally forgot that we existed. I struggle with my husband becoming that kind of man, as by not being involved in those children's lives, he would be that man who conceived children and totally forgot about them and concentrated on his other children. This is something that i battle with.
I will certainly mail Dr/Mrs Harley - this is very confusing, but i do appreciate all your comments. I am looking at this from a fresh perspective now.

Get that email out then update us.

TMSA, it is not a good idea for your husband to EVER have any contact with these women again. Your counselor has no earthly idea what he is doing. That is bad for every one. Please explain to your counselor that this is not recommended by Dr Bill Harley. First step in recovery is no contact FOR LIFE, even if you have to move.



Just stay away from these people and leave them alone. The right thing to do is to protect the marriages. That is in the best interest of the children.


These kids have dads. It harms these marriages to have some OM [your husband] hanging around. These kids don't know your husband so they won't miss him. Don't wreck their lives by having him hang around and ruin these kids families and YOUR MARRIAGE TOO.


Good! Dr Harley is very clear in his position on this: stay away. Take steps to protect the marriages because that is the BEST THING for these kids.

@MelodyLane - thanks. Re the OC not knowing my husband, one does, he is actually her godfather....

PS - when is the right time to tell my kids though? They are 10 and 6 currently. I saw on one thread that it is very important to tell the children.