Here's my story:

My husband and I got married in 2005 when we were 20 and 23 years old. We had our first (and only) child in 2010.

We had our awesome times, and were best friends, but mixed in with that was depression on my end. I wouldn't do anything around the house, he did it all (with the rare exception). I didn't like being left alone and felt abandoned. I was downright mean to him, called him fat, ugly, told him to leave and never come back. I was physically abusive. I brought up things of the past (nothing too bad, he only had one other gf, he kissed another girl when we were dating, and that was it). I was incredibly jealous. I also hated myself. I cried almost daily. I would NEVER apologize for anything, and I always manipulated him into apologizing and acting like it was his fault. I'm sure there were more things that I cannot think of. There were good, too. We went away on vacations, we skipped, we went to parks a lot, we did all of our shopping together, we went to see bands together quite frequently, we hung out together. Our sex life gradually diminished into nothing.

I gradually stopped the physical abuse, gradually stopped the jealousy, but the emotional abuse went on.

We have a bad situation money speaking, so we are (me now) living in a relative's basement.

Recently (before he left), we were trying to have another baby, and he felt that I was just having sex for that reason, when it actually wasn't. I've been working on love shortly before that, so I was just filled with love and wanting to express it. The week or few prior to him leaving, he would leave at night to go think and cry (b/c he had held back emotion for years, because I would pretty much always find a way to turn it into being about me). He has had his anger problems, and all, but this isn't about his issues. He's really a great guy. Before he left, he also started working more and more in order to get us out of this situation (his job is relatively new to him, and it's commissions, and he's REALLY good at it). The day he left, we were kissing, and it was good. Then after he was asleep, I woke him up to 'try', and I worded it that way! Instead of saying I want to show love or w/e, which was the truth, I used baby-making as an excuse to wake him up, thinking that would make him more apt to do it for some reason. He left and said he's done.

The first few days were hard and he didn't see us at all, then on Monday (he left saturday night), he wanted to see our daughter. He picked her up and was super angry at me. Wednesday, we had to take our daughter to an activity, so we brought her there separately, and went home together. He was still done. Thursday, I went out with a friend, and he picked me and my daughter up, and we ate dinner at the friend's house. He told me that he is willing to come to dinner every day from 5-7, no longer. That was a great improvement!

Dinner on Friday was great. We cooked together (previously, he had done all of the cooking), and ate and had a good time. Saturday, he brought me to a different state to stay with his family for a week as he came back and went to work. We had a great trip, talked about the future TOGETHER, etc. Then, the next day when we talked, he said that he's done. He said he was thinking on the way back, and he is done with us.

Now I'm back in our state, in the basement. Yesterday, we had dinner together with our daughter. We cooked together, and I had my moments of crying (I hadn't seen him for a week, so it was hard again), he had his moments of being cold. We also smiled, hugged, laughed. He's not wearing his wedding ring, but he said he loves me when he left. He had said that he is confused, and doesn't think he could ever be with me because of the way I treated him. He says I never loved him, etc. He doesn't understand why I did ANYTHING I did. I've tried explaining, but I don't think he needs any more explanations.

Today, he messaged me saying he's done.

We had dreams together. This job was a means to reach them, a means to get out of debt, etc. We wanted to raise our daughter together. We had so many dreams, and we did have fun together. I honestly thought that I did show him love. I always put myself last when it came to buying things, I would wear pants with a hole in them and only have one pair, and go out and buy him new clothes (not b/c he asked, but b/c I wanted to), I would buy him presents, we would spend most of our money on our daughter. To me, that was love.

(I was abused as a child, mainly emotionally and mentally, but also a bit of physical)

Now, I'm lost.

There's no cheating.. I could go any time and find him exactly where he says. His office is all men, he sleeps in his boss' house or his office, etc. He's not hiding anything. He doesn't say he loves me but isn't in love. He doesn't say anything, and then eventually, if he's doing well, he will say he loves me.

He was willing to do the Emotional Needs Questionaire the other day, but was too busy, and now he's not willing to do it. He said I shouldn't buy the love busters book, b/c he's done.

He's a very patient man, but when he's done with something, he's done. He also used to run away from things frequently- his family, jobs, things that stressed him out TOO much. He would go back to his family eventually, but he feels this is different b/c I was supposed to be the one person that loved him and chose to love him.

What do you guys think I should do? I am beginning to go for counselling, and am working on myself. I am already less angry and more loving.

In the past, we travelled, slept in a car, had a lot of fun doing that. If money was tight and we had no place to live, that's what we would do. If he was running from something, that's what he would want to do. I went along with him, and we had a great time.

Welcome to Marriagebuilders.

It does sound a great deal like cheating. I realise you say you can find him wherever he says he is going to be, but that doesn't really mean anything I am afraid. Affairs can be conducted online and over the phone; those affairs sometimes have the strongest hold. Workplace affairs are also very common

The signs are so strong (moodiness, anger, blame, separation) that I would urge you to snoop on a much larger scale. Can you put spyware on his phone/computer? Can you get a PI to follow him at a time when your H knows you will not be able to?

I do hear you when you say you have been guilty of lovebusters and abusive tactics. However when was the last time this really happened though? It sounds like you haven't done any of this for a very long time.

Leaving because you woke him up and asked to try is just ridiculous. I would dig deeper.



No longer, huh? A 7pm cut off gives him an excuse, such as working late, before spending evening time with someone else. Either in person or online. That's the time I would have him watched.

Do you understand Plan A?

No girls work in the office, I know for a FACT that there is no cheating. Like I said, he's working extremely long hours to try to get us out of this situation. If things go well at our scheduled daily dinners, he stays late. There is no strict time he has to leave, it's more for his mind.

He doesn't have Facebook or anything like that.

My emotional abuse continued until he left, the physical abuse stopped a while ago.


I understand Plan A, but there is no cheating involved.. just years of me treating my husband like a doormat, and him finally standing up for himself. As far is that is concerned, I respect him greatly.

From my original post: "I gradually stopped the physical abuse, gradually stopped the jealousy, but the emotional abuse went on." meaning, the emotional abuse CONTINUED.

Our sex life was always really bad, and I usually had some type of excuse, which is why me asking for that was his final straw before he left.

Then the response is simple. No one would sleep in the office if they had a willing, calm and loving partner at home. They would at least come home as roomates until they find somewhere else. Just keep offering a calm loving face and a place for him at home if that is the case.

However I am not convinced. He chose to use a very ridiculous reason for leaving and that is the hallmark of the cheater. You slammed the door too hard! I am going! i can't stay in the same house as someone who uses the wrong word for lovemaking!"

If he had left for reasons of abuse, he would have simply asked you stop it. Or said he was coming home when you stop it. That isn't so though is it? He is 'done'. But he does not stay done long, the other hallmark of hte cheater is they cannot stay decided on which woman they want.

When he is 'undone' he has a 7pm curfew because he has to be somewhere else.

Dr H tends to make an enjoyable sex life the man's responsibility. If a woman does not feel like having sex she most certanly should not have sex. The usual advice from Dr H is for the man to provide her with a high level of affection and romance until her sexual feelings return.

Unwilling sex helps no one and a lack of sex is certainly no reason to abandon a spouse.

he had told me in the past that my actions were hurting him, that I was killing him. He said I'm difficult to live with, etc. But, I would always manage to get him to stay, and not only to stay, but to APOLOGIZE! He wanted us to go for counselling years ago, and i wouldn't. I thought we could fix it on our own, and I was also in denial that it was that bad.

He is very patient until something goes on for a long time, and then he's done, and it's not just with this. He had a history of doing that with his family, with work, etc. He would always come back after a certain amount of time, but this action isn't new for him, it just is new for him to give up on the relationship. He got tired of always being the one to hold us together, to always try, when I wouldn't.

As far as work, he got this job in September, and it's commissions, so before he left, we both agreed that he would work as much as he could, so we could be out on our own. His hours just got super extreme during the time he left, as he has nothing to do but work, he feels. I am also in contact with his family, and they're a huge family, and most are on the side of our marriage being fixed.

He was always very romantic, I was just depressed and had no self-esteem, so I never wanted it. It wasn't like we had it, and it left. There never was a good sex-life. He was always SUPER romantic, and I turned him down very frequently. Not only did I turn him down, but I would be mean about it.

Ok, if the entire situation lies on your head then it is entirely within your power to change it.

Let me see if I have this clear-

You were physically abusive
You were emotionally abusive
When you wanted sex, you referred to it as trying to make a baby

LG,

Even given your marital history, it really isn't that common for a husband to walk away from a marriage without some extenuating external circumstance.

Ruling out a friendly female ear he may have turned to is paramount to making sure your efforts to restore your marriage don't fall flat.


Also; are you doing anything to treat your depression? If you have a history of chronic depression, and you aren't treating it properly, it will be hard for him to create romantic love with you - which will help in your willingness to have SF with him.

kilted thrower: to the first 2, yes, although I stopped the physical abuse. To the 3rd question, our sex life wasn't good in the past, but i didn't think of it as 'trying'. There was one time I called it that, even though I didn't actually think of it that way, and that was the time he left. I know he didn't leave because of that, but it was sort of the final straw.

HoldHerHand: again, I know for certain about the female friend thing, and I wouldn't spy on him or do any of that anyway (he actually just got a futon for his office).
-As for treating my depression, yes, I am beginning to. I am going to counselling (mostly for my abuse thing, and also for dealing with the abuse I had growing up), and going to treat it other ways as well.

I do believe a lot of it is in my hands, but I don't know what to do. He's emotionally distant right now, and I don't want to push him away. No touching, he doesn't say he loves me, etc. (we see eachother almost every day for a bit, b/c we have a daughter whom he adores).

He reads this, but doesn't post.

I encourage you to visit an attorney.
You need to file for child support

JediKnight, thanks but no thanks:
1- He gives money.
2- I'm wanting to work the marriage out, not end it.

Visiting an attorney doesnt mean that you dont want to save your marriage.
It means that you are seeking legal protection.

There were 5 days that we had no contact at all. He didn't come around, call, or anything.

Prior to that, he had been coming around for some dinners, and 2 hours per day for our daughter.

We went shopping together for our daughter's bday (without her), and had a good time, even went to a cafe we love.

We travelled to where his family lives for our daughter's bday party, and the trip was good. I refrained from love busters for the most part (possibly completely).

After we got back, he dropped us off and I said I had a good time. He didn't respond, so I texted him telling him that he can be honest with me if he didn't. He said he did, "...just as friends". I was fine with that, because it meant we could work on things. Later in the day, he thanked me for helping cook, and I said I loved doing it together and that we work well together...

That day, no dinner (we had already discussed that he wouldn't be coming). The next day, no communication, and no dinner. He communicated to say no dinner, and when I asked why, he said he doesn't want to.

Next day, our daughter has dance class. Usually, he will drop us off at the house afterwards (we only have one car), but he didn't want to do it this time, so my daughter and I had to get a ride.. and he said we will have to do that every week.

He has cut off contact more and more.

I know the affair thing is big on here, but people use other outlets for their emotions as well, and he's using work. He was never a workaholic, and I think it's fantastic that he's trying to get ahead, make money so our daughter can have a place to live, etc, but I worry about him, also..

Now, with the no-contact (and no discussion of it), I am lost. I want to give him space, because I know it's in his personality to need it, but at the same time, I'm confused as to what he wants or doesn't want.

I want our marriage to be healed. I am doing what I can on my part, but he is so hardened and hurt. He's in the withdrawal stage, and I'm not sure he will come out of it.

Have you ruled out an affair?
Have you seen an attorney?

no attorney. no affair.
the only affair he has is with work, if that makes sense.

Looking back, I see signs that it was going to get to this point, but I didn't see them then, and now I don't know how to reverse it. I'm working on my end of things, but I can't fill his love bank if he has no contact with me.