Just hold on and don't give up. I have a feeling the affair has not ended and that is where she is. She and the OM are grasping for air on the sinking Titanic. The problem is that your exposure has ruined any chance of a future with the OM because everyone knows now. Just be patient.

Your wife has a freeloaders view of marriage. Check this out:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Hi Melodylane, thanks that makes a lot of sense. If she does come back and says she is moving out, what should I do. Try to persuade her not to or let her go?

You should be a broken record in saying 'I am willing to work with you to create a loving romantic marriage but you must first end your affair with OM"

If she does move out, Dr. Harley recommends that you do not help her pack or move. let it be all on her.

And if she does move out do I still carry on doing plan A?

Typically, Dr. Harley recommends Plan A for up to 6 months. Even if she moves out.

Another question when should. I discuss just compensation and EP? She has agreed to never contact the OM gain and sent the NC but that is about it, she is still lost in the fog.

Print out this list and say: "this is what I will need in order to feel safe." She may scoff, but you will have planted the seed.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thanks will give to her. Given she is still in the fog what should I do if she refuses?

Just say: "this is what it will take to make me feel safe." I expect her to refuse now, but you will have planted the seed.

Ok so if she doesn't agree just keep trying or ask her to move out but keep trying? There must be a point beyond which you give up, or is this part of the 6 month plan A?

As a general rule, if she refuses to end the affair you should ask her to move out and carry on her affair out of the marital home.

Thanks for all the advice.

I do wonder if the affair is still going on, I exposed and she admitted to it but she is the sort of person who couldn't bear to face people who knew that the affair had ended the marriage. So I guess I am thinking is she pretending to commit so that in the next few weeks/months she can turn round and say "I tried my best but we just weren't right for each other" and avoid her friends disapproving as much.

regardless of her intentions, actions are what matter.
There must be no contact, and then massive amounts of US time spent together, building love bank deposits.

After No Contact has been established, Harley recommends a vacation of 2 weeks or so...to "prime the pump" and make love bank deposits

Checked her phone tonight she had deleted all phone records before 2pm this afternoon. One of the phone numbers this afternoon was for a place to rent. I think it's all getting too much for her and she is about to pack up and go. I don't know Whether she is still seeing the OM. Feeling sad about it all.

Can you get spyware on her phone? Eblaster is a good one because it has a built in GPS.

Hi, that's going to be tricky as she takes her phone everywhere with her. I managed to check tonight but only for a couple of minutes when she went out of the room.

Whether she is having an affair or not anymore i don know. I think the guilt is starting to affect her and the fact that everyone knows is making her want to run away and hide even if that means separating from me. I just don know how she will get over that feeling of guilt as I know how much she worries about what others think of her.

I do wonder if this could derail any chance of reconciliation.

She is deleting those texts for a reason.

People that don't have anything to hide don't hide anything.

Try to get that cell phone spyware installed as soon as you can, especially before she Password locks it. Don't give her any indication that you have looked at any texts at all to lull her into a false sense of security.

LTL

There are several reasons she could be doing what she is doing:

The affair is still continuing or she is trying to hide her intentions (to move out) or both.

I suppose handling the affair is the one i know how to deal with because of all your advice. If the issue is her not being able to face anyone and rather moving out and away that becomes harder to know how to help her handle the guilt and and save our marriage.

Hopefully she will never get over the guilt unless she becomes a sociopath. If a spouse is still upset over exposure it is because of the fog. The fog is caused by the affair. If she moves out it won't be due to "guilt," it will be so she can carry on her affair unimpeded