I think I figured it out. They are suppose to come drop the invitation to a bday party soon. I will tell MIL then.

Now, do I tell hubby my plans? Or do I just treat it as exposure?

Is your H onboard with recovery and about your MIL?

BrainHurts, yes he is totally on board with R. The only problem he has about MIL is that we will come back to the A AND we will need to see them, including SIL to tell her the truth.

I would just tell MIL.

Tell her that your H was unfaithful to you and that you hope to rebuild the marriage and make it affair proof.

I would not include H in the plan to expose properly to his mother.

If he gets angry, he is not serious about being a better husband to you.

Done, MIL actually didn't know anything about the A. Now she does.

H can't stop himself from lying. Not for his own life. I'm getting really tired of his half efforts. I can feel my LB$ going way down.
Can he still be in the fog?

I'm sorry, Alada. Good for you for telling your MIL.

I remember reading someplace in Dr. Harley's info that it could take up to six months for all of the fog to clear.

My H had his share of mess ups, if you read back a few pages in my thread, you will see them. Our last D-days were almost the same time Alada.

It took us a long while Alada to get rid of all of those old NON-marriage-friendly habits. Independent behavior and the totally stupid lies. And I had to learn to ask respectfully for what I needed (rather than sacrifice during POJA because it was "easier" at the time).

We both memorized 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and then each day we would go through it and share one thing that we noticed that our spouse was doing for EACH verse. So for instance "Love is Patient", and H would usually tell me how he noticed that I was patient with him in explaining how I liked affection. Etc. We would go down the list like that, and I really REALLY think that it helped my H to start to re-focus on being an honest person, kwim? And it helped me to learn to expect to be treated like a treasure.

I've said before in my thread that I think that there are layers and layers to recovery Alada. But it all boils down to those EPs and getting rid of LB'ers (IB and not being Open and Honest were obviously my H's biggies also), and then working to build that LB balance.

How is your H doing with the EPs?

How is the online program going?

Thanks BlindSighted, it's really conforting to read your words.

As far as EP's, he had one major slip a few days ago. He called me to tell me he was at the bank, he took one lady to the bank a co-worker. I guess he didn't register he was breaking an EP, and it took me three seconds to figure it out. I texted him.

ME: "You aware you broke one of our EP's"
He: "She brought her grandson"
Me: "Show me"

He dropped it there. He was ashamed to take a pictures of the kids, or so he says. Now I don't whether he was lying or not.

We will read Corinthians tonight.

Oh my Alada, let's see what other more experienced MB'ers say about that, but I think that you had the right to tell your H to either send you a picture of the child to PROVE it to you, or don't come home. You have the right to be TOTALLY safe, that's what EPs are for, and if you do not feel safe then you cannot recover.

You can't go back and change the outcome now, so hopefully others will chime in their thoughts here.

Hugs to you!!

Alada, I'm thinking more about this, and I think that you and H need to make your EP's a bit clearer.

Pardon if this is obvious, but it was not obvious to me (remember I'm the one who needed Melodylane to point out to me that I may need to follow H into the restroom lol)�.I trusted WAY too much obviously.

So now, if H is going to ever go ANY place besides work and home (with the GPS tracker on at all times), he calls me first and says "what would you think of ______?". If I'm not comfy for any reason, or even if he catches me off guard while I'm in the middle of work and can't think right then, I get to say "I'm not comfortable with that", and then it's instant POJA. We either resolve it fast or it's no go (if I'm in the middle of work). THAT is what has kept me feeling safe for the last few months.

H messed up once and made a five minute stop at HomeDepot without calling first, and it send me on a tail spin.

Your H shouldn't be going to the bank or anywhere with a woman friend from work (even WITH a grandchild!) without calling you first. Either you two previously set up boundaries and he ignored them OR he isn't (yet!) realizing how serious this situation is.

Dr. H had a radio show recently where he reiterated that if we could FEEL our spouse's pain when we do something that hurts them, we would be correcting our behavior in a heartbeat in order to avoid feeling that pain.

What was to happen if he broke an EP?

BrainHurts, we didn't really said what would happen if he broke our EP's. At the begining I was very sloppy on our recovery

BlindSighted, yes it is not obvious to me, or to him. I trust to much in him and I need to stop that.

We revised EP's last night, and we talked about how these are a way to protect me, him and our family.

He will carry a VAR or some sort of recording device with him all the time.

If he breaks any of the EP's (again?) he will quit his work.

One of his main triggers for lying is peer pressure, he just wants to look good to others. He understands it, but can't control it. He keeps lying, at least twice a day, mainly to people from his job, again just to look good. WE are finally realizing how common his lies are, we are working on that. I noticed a long time ago about his lies, even pre-A but I got used to them and thought they were innocent little lies. So it is a very strong habit for him to lie and for me, to brush them off. WE are BOTH working on this.

We've been thinking about getting a business together and moving far far away, but our financial situation does not allow it yet. Specially with three little ones.

I'm still applying for jobs, today I'm submiting one more application, but if this process takes to long, I'm just thinking of dropping academia altogether.

Have you read this about the different kind of liars?
Honesty and Openness (Part 2)

Also here's a clip on the different kind of liars.
Radio Clip on the Different Kind of Liars

No I havent seen those, thanks for pointing them out BrainHurts!

You're welcome.

What did you think about them?

Isn't it amazing how Dr. H has just the right answers. One could feel so lost, and yet he has all these concise and doable plans to overcome problems.

We started the program with the Honesty and Openess chapter, but what you pointed out here is very helpful. I was feeling conflicted about him telling me truths and not getting any consecuences, but I can totally get why consecuences are not appropiate right now.

I need to work on that, I'm guilty of AO in the past, they are so much sporadic right now. I need to control those further to encourage honesty from him.

thanks BrainHurts!!

I'm so glad to help, my friend. Dr. Harley has a way to explain things so clearly.

DH broke another EP yesterday and I had an AO. We had a terrible night.

DH drove right in front of the campus yesterday. He called to inform me, I told him I didn't feel at ease with him doing this. He went ahead and did it regardless.

We discussed it at night. He was very adamant to the idea that it was work related, he didn't do it with the purpose of seeing OW, or so he says. He came to make an installation two blocks away from campus and stayed there for almost two hours.

We talked for nearly an hour about this, but he just kept saying he was sorry but this was not such a big deal. After talking for all this time, I finally lost it and had an AO, I was able to control myself after a few minutes, but it was too late. It was mainly crying and raising my voice, not cursing or anything, but still I feel terrible.

It is the second time he breaks an EP.

What does your MB coach say? Have you contacted them?

We do not have a coach, we are only doing the workbooks, books and videos.

I think the problem is that he doesn't quite get that EPs are not only to prevent another A, but they are also there to put you at ease. It's the "ease your mind" part that he is missing.