Hi Maggie, it is great to read your update.

It is going to take time dear Maggie, just time. Keep having appointments with Steve, and both you and your H continue to follow the program. Those awful down times will happen less and less.

I was the same as you describe�I had a horrible time being around people and even going out of the house at first. It gets easier with time, I promise!

We are six months out after the last D-Day (one year from D-Day #1), and the down times are getting LOTS less frequent. As your husband learns and gets better and better at helping you through the down times, you will find that it is easier to kind of "snap" out of that negative spiral.

I suspect what happens is that we start to feel a few sparks for our husband, it feels so good, and then BAM we are reminded of what happened. I think that we are normal. But with time, there are more and more GREAT memories to replace those icky thoughts, and it gets much easier to remind ourselves of what our husband's are like NOW.

Hi Maggie!!!!! Lots and lots of hugs for you.

I still remember how excited I was (after MONTHS) when I realized that 5 whole minutes had gone by without thinking of OW or the A. What you're experiencing is completely normal, and it will get better.

Spend a little time each day doing something enjoyable where you have to concentrate completely, and don't have room to think of OW. Even giving your brain one or two little breaks will help your healing process.

I commend you for overcoming your emotions and joining your H in Kazakhstan. It takes about two years to recover from an affair. Both you and your husband will need to follow Steve's guidance closely and work on building new marital habits that deposit love units and make your marriage safe.

It's really really important to continue to avoid following what your emotions will tell you to do. Many BS are terribly angry and can unleash some pretty fierce angry outbursts as well as very disrespectful judgments on the FWS. You will need to do everything in your power to overcome the very common tendency to engage in these two love busters. They are understandable, but they won't help the marriage at all.

Now, on the other hand, if your emotions are telling you to connect physically with your H, that's a good thing. Many couples who go into recovery after an A experience a phenomenon called "Hysterical Bonding," during which the marital relationship becomes intensely physical. The physical intimacy can often help jumpstart the relationship - but not always. It's still very important to avoid love busters.

Your relocation is also very stressful, so anything you can do to make that part better will help you feel better, too. Is there a group of people there who do enjoyable things that you can join? Can you get out and explore? Can you find any work? Any new hobbies or sports? Is there a church group?

We're three years out from D-Day. The first few months were horrible for me, even though my H was doing everything he could to help me with recovery. Even though we were doing a great deal to meet ENs, I was afraid of being vulnerable again and went back and forth from allowing it to being angry. I was terribly angry and unleashed it on my H at what he had done. Even though he felt like he "deserved" it, it nevertheless withdrew love units and never really made me feel better anyway. It just built up the adrenalin in my body and made me feel crazy. It was really awful. I had to force myself to stop talking about the affair, which was also hard, because it seemed like it was always on my mind.

After a couple of years, with the marriage so much better than it ever had been, my resentment began to fade, and today, even if I allow myself to think of the A (for a minute until I realize it and chase it away with a better thought!) I still don't feel any resentment, because our CURRENT is SO much better than our past.

Just keep on, keep on, keep on doing what recovery takes. If you both join in, you will have the kind of marriage you have both dreamed of. Whenever you start to have those negative thoughts, ask yourself, "But what is my H doing TODAY?"

Thank you for giving me some advice.... The recovery on my side is going so slow that sometimes I feel like not moving on at all.
On the other hand, looking at my husband , seems like if he'd put this horrible story behind him. He is calm, smiles more, there are moments that he talks, behaves so natural and normal, like if it did not happen at all.... That frustrate me so much....
Yes, Steve told me that my H's rercovery will be quicker and that actually he will manage to forget about this thing. Instead for me it will be a hard, bumpy and loooooooong road and very much possibile that I will never forget it....

So awefuly unfair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways what I would like to ask you is another thing. When we were about to take the decission about coming back to Kazakhstan my H assured me, that here noone knows about the A, that he was very secret about that relationship.
Instead, only today, I got a news from a friend, who's husband works here as well, that there are voices about my H of having a kazakh mistress.....

I am paralised..... Stupid me, you would probably say, naive me.... A relationship that lasts for 1,5 years in a place like this, where although being a big city it is a small village, where everyone knows everything about everyone....

What I am supposed to do? How can i get out there and deal with it? I was really believing that noone knows. Now that I know, that people suspect and maybe even know for sure, I am so about to lock myself at home and hide.

How am I supposed to behave?
The relationship between us is not good enough to be strong and brave and sure about it. And now an extra to add... What else??????

You have nothing to be ashamed of if everyone knows about the affair.

Do not hide but stand tall and beautiful and YOU are the WIFE.

A mistress is a wanna-be.

You are the top of the chain.

Continue following MB plans.

If people tell you about knowing about the affair.....firmly say "I am here now and taking my rightful place as his partner."

Did you tell her this is true? You can tell her it is true and that you are working on your marriage. YOU can control the story this way. Tell her that your husband felt guilty about his affair with skanky and dumped that hoe. He confessed his affair and asked for forgiveness.

Instead of allowing people to believe rumors, I would spread around the TRUTH when it comes up. That helps you in a couple of ways. It makes that hoe look bad and it puts extra watchful eyes on your husband. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable.

Take control of the narrative, Maggie, and frame the truth in your favor!

Does he still work where his OW is?

If a friend comes to you about this, most likely they are on your side. So thank them for their support, tell them the truth, and give them the OW's name.

Should someone look down on you for the A, they aren't friends worth having. Some will look down on your (F)WH, but many, when they hear that he is sorry and trying to repair the damage he caused, will still support the two of you. Practically everyone will be down on the OW, which is all to the good. And if they support the OW, they aren't fit to be your friends, either.

A true friend would tell you about the A, and it's encouraging that your friend would come and talk to you. After the first few times you tell the truth instead of carrying such burdensome secrets, you will feel more free. This process is hard enough already. Don't carry any more of a burden than you have to.

I second Neak's hugs!



X2. She sounds like a true friend, use her support and thank her for telling you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Your H is a hard worker, willing to be honest and earn back any respect he loses
OW deserves enemies. The more people who know about her, the fewer marriages she can wreck.

I know all this, but still it is difficult to be out there knowing that people look at you, talk behind your back. If I was strong and emotionaly stable probably i would not put such of attention on it, but now that I am so weak and still not feeling "beautiful" I find it as a big trigger.

I know everything needs it's time, that I cannot push too much and It is o,k that it goes slow. But I am so tired of felling not well...

In a month the school is over and me and kids will go back home for a month of vacation. It was supposed to be the dead line for our life in kazakhstan. Unfortunately the new job did not come, the company didn't find us place elsewhere so i am forced to make another compromise and cancell my dead line.... Then, since I really have to go back home and my H does not have so many days of vacation, we will be forced to stay separated for a month.
Him in Kazakhstan.....which puts tention in me.... I do not trust anymore.... And feel so unsafe....
Yes, he has this Extraordinary precautions plan and he keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about.... But hey..... Times of not worrying are gone.....

Difficult.....

You don't know what they are saying, you can only imagine. It also doesn't matter a thing what people say. It's your H reputation being tarnished, a consequence he deserves. Most people will only feel concern for you and wish you well. If you talk to your friend you will probably see this for yourself. Perhaps talk to your doc about some ADs for this tough time so you aren't being ruled by anxiety instead of logic. Imagining troubles, and mean comments which probably don't exist, is not helpful.

It is good that the 'times of not worrying' are gone - you were both quite reckless when you were 'not worrying'. Reckless with your marital safety by living apart and having OS friends - now you are more cautious.

The one time I got into a car accident it was because I was driving in icy conditions 'not worrying' about the danger. Now I drive with more caution - in short I worry more about danger than I used to - but I know that I am safer for doing so.

You just have to get back behind the wheel; older and wiser.

Separated for a month? Is there anyway you can decrease this? That is going to be brutal on you.

I missed that. Recovery is not supposed to include even a single night apart.

No wonder you feel insecure. You are about to take another HUGE risk that will destroy your marriage.

Who is guiding your recovery plan? You don�t post much either of you, so do you have an MB coach?

Can the two of you get on the radio with Dr H and figure this out?

Hopefully you have cancelled this trip because you should never be apart overnight again. That horrendous practice has almost destroyed your marriage in the past and it will surely destroy it at a time when your marriage is on life support in the critical care unit. Even the most healthy marriages can't afford this. Yours certainly cannot!

Your vacations should never take you and your husband apart for one night. Take your vacations together or don't take them at all. Don't throw away your marriage over a vacation.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Is it because you are so triggered by the environment you have to go home?

If so, you both have to leave and can't stop until you find a way.

A month's break won't solve anything - you won't come back and this will be a permanent separation.

I thought there was an option to go to Italy for lower pay?

Can you reconsider that? Lower pay is still cheaper than a divorce and maintaining two households.

Believe me, the two of you will not survive this separation. I can hear the pain in your words and you are about ready to give up.