This is my first post.

My husband and I married two years ago. I had been widowed for seven years and he'd been divorced for five. This is my second marriage and his third. We were highschool sweethearts who went steady for almost three years. I broke up with him before graduation and both went on to lead separate lives with no contact until we connected at our hs reunion four years ago.

We had a whirlwind courtship where both shed many tears at the miracle of finding one another again. He told me he'd never
gotten over our original breakup and had thought about me for years. He was incredibly romantic and said and did things for me that I'd never experienced with previous husband, who was often abusive and sexually cold. I felt very blessed to have met and married someone who loved me so much at this later stage of my life.

Everything was great for the first year or so, including our sex life. My husband is incredibly active and fit with the urge and ability of a much younger man. I thought he was happy with things in that area, although I also knew that he was much more sexually experienced than I was, and had slept with over 25 women before we met again. He also was a porn user and knew I didn't approve, but he always said as long as things were good in that area he had no need for it. End of discussion.

After about a year or so of marriage, he told me he was unhappy with our sex life -- that I was prudish and didn't know how to make love to a man. He wanted more sex, and more varieties of sex and felt that because I wasn't more adventurous, that I didn't love him or care about his happiness. I was blown away by this revelation because we were having sex up to four times a week and I thought it was good. He told me to work at improving in that area because he didn't want to settle for "a marriage without passion." I told him I felt very passionate about him and found him very desirable but he just wouldn't listen. I felt scared and off balance with all this because in my first marriage my husband was also very critical and judgmental, although not about sex. My first marriage, in fact, was pretty much sexless.

So I tried harder to meet my new husband's needs but wound up getting utis. I found him uncaring when this would happen, as though it was a hindrance and an inconvenience. Gradually, I began not looking forward to our romantic encounters because I felt he was either unsatisfied or judging me. He wanted me to wear dresses more often, sunbathe naked with him, and just be more free, and to watch porn with him. I grew up in the 50s and 60s and was not sexually adventurous. I did wear dresses from time to time in the house but never felt really comfortable doing so. BTW I never asked him for anything except more UA time.

It's not that his requests were particularly weird or out of line, more that I felt sex was all he focused on. He didn't seem to value me for anything outside of that. I'm a great cook and a family person, but he would rather eat pizza or fish sticks. He didn't care to spend time with my family out of town , and would complain when I'd leave for brief trips that I should be there with him ( and presumably having sex). (My mom is 88 years old and not well so these were necessary trips and he always had the option to come along).

He is a loner and would spend from 6 am to about 2:00 in the afternoon on exercising, reading his computer and other solitary pursuits. I often requested more UA time but he didn't comply - again presumably because he felt I hadn't earned it through sex. In order to keep him in the room with me sometimes, I had to watch his TV shows; if I put something on that I was interested in , he'd leave the room.

Since Christmas, he's said "I love you" less and less and seems irritated at slight things. We were still having sex three or four times a week but again, not the "hot" sex he wanted I suppose.

Last week we had a brief tiff, when I got a leg cramp and he completely ignored my pain, not even asking why I was moaning or offering a massage. The next morning he left for the cottage out of town and gave me the silent treatment for four days. It's not the first time this has happened. I don't have any children and am alone except for him so I found this action very hurtful.

I understand a man's need for sex in order to feel loved, but this wasn't a sexless marriage. I feel his priorities are out of line and he should be grateful that we found one another again, are both still healthy (in our early 60s) and can offer one another care and companionship.

I am hurt and feel he promised me love but it became conditional on sex. I am 62 years old! How would he react if I got sick and couldn't have sex??? I feel unsafe and unloved.
I tried so hard to fit my life into his, be kind to his kids, was there for him during two major heath scares, but all that matters to him is sex.

Any thoughts?

I forgot to add that when he came back after four days of silent treatment he told me he was unhappy again and that our marriage lacked chemistry and passion. I told him I loved him and do so enjoy our intimacy, but he keeps telling me how I should feel/behave instead of listening to me. He says I don't act like "normal" women in bed. All I can think of when he says these things is that he's watched too much porn over the years.

I am a quiet and spiritual person who loves and feel deeply. When I am with him I am just so grateful to have him with me, but he doesn't seem to get it. How can we be at such cross purposes?

PS I don't lay there like a board either.
Don't roll my eyes and stare at the ceiling. I am affectionate, make sounds (sorry tmi) and ask him to stay with me afterwards
( which he doesn't really like to do).

Welcome to MB.

Is he still watching porn?

When he left for the cottage for four days, did he talk to you? Or you went the four days not hearing from him at all? Why didn't you go to the cottage with him?

BB, one of the biggest problems I see here is that your husband is watching porn. That is what is causing your husbands dissatisfaction but I don't think you guys understand how damaging it is to your marriage. When your husband seeks sexual satisfaction outside of marriage, it means he has a new point of comparison. You are competing with 18 year old porn stars and as long as you are competing with porn stars, you will always lose because you are a normal, natural 60 year old woman.

If he would eliminate the porn altogether and learn to seek sex only from you, it would feel bland at first, but he would start to get great enjoyment. But as long as you are competing with 18 year old porn stars, that will never happen.

Another important dynamic that is going on here is that he is setting you up for a serious sexual aversion and if you don't stop that train, it will be much harder to fix. Everytime you have sex with him when you don't feel like it [and I can see why you would not feel like it] or you do something with him you don't enjoy, you will become more and more sexually averse. Pretty soon you won't be able to bear to have him touch you; it will really be that bad.

STOP having sex with him when you don't feel like it. And don't agree to acts that you don't like.

A woman needs 2 things to desire sex with her husband: an emotional attachment and the prospect of enjoyment. Your husband is ruining both of those aspects by not spending time meeting your emotional needs and by not making sure that you are satisfied.

I really want you to understand this dynamic because it is ruining your marriage so I am suggesting you read these articles and come back here to discuss:

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

How to Overcome Sexual Aversion

Start reading Dr Harley's basic concepts here and get the books His Needs Her Needs, Lovebusters, and 5 steps to Romantic Love. One of Dr H important policies in marriage is what he calls The Policy of Joint Agreement. Following this policy is the only way to make marital adjustments to one another. You don't want to simply go along to get along. And you don't want to comply with his requests to avoid his lovebusters. Otherwise you will fall out of love with him.

Your husband is demonstrating the lovebusters: Disrespectful Judgements, Selfish Demands and a quiet form of a Angry Outburst through withdrawal and not demonstrating thoughtfulness towards you.

Dr Harley describes marriage as a relationship of extraordinary care. Likely the porn has distorted your husbands perspective towards you. Lots of men list attractive wife and SF as top emotional needs but do not use LB to have the needs met.

I'm sure there will be veterans of this site coming along with more specific advise.

I wish you all the best.

Thanks everyone:

I suspect he still looks at porn as a year or so ago I found two porn pics on his computer. I think he looks at it when I'm visiting my mom or when he feels justified. He adamantly refuses to discuss his porn use with me and says it's not my business and there's nothing wrong with it. He also get upset if I comment on too much on oeversexualized images on TV. Once he called me whacky for having these views.

Brainhurts: I didn't know he was going to the cottage. I went out to run errands and when I came back he was gone. And no he did not call me or email in four days, although I did email to ask when he was coming back.

I will have go look at the rest of the posts and the POJA stuff.

My heart feels broken because he was my lost love from high school and I can't believe he's not happy just by virture of the fact that we found one another after so many years. But maybe that's because I'm thinking like a woman and not a man??

You are thinking like a married person who expects to be loved and cared for in marriage. That is the expectation of every married person. Your husband has failed miserably in that regard. And that is largely because his head is full of 18 year old porn stars.

Of course you have a right to know everything he does. You are his wife! You have a right to know if he is gawking at porn. You have a right to know EVERYTHING.

When you get married, the competition with other females should close. In your case, it has not ended and is wrecking your marriage.

Imagine if you went window shopping for your needs to be met online?

"Hey, Plenty of Fish/ Match.com guys - anyone here make more money than my husband? Anyone a better conversationalist? More romantic? Can you point me in the direction of the much younger men who have a great deal of energy for home repairs and foot massage? Thank you!"

I just never thought this would be a problem at our age - an age when you're supposed to be appreciating and loving one another because frankly, you just never know when someone could drop dead.

He's a good man in many other respects, handles everything around the house and is a good dad, with good kids. He worked his way up from nothing as a kid and has done well financially. He did come from a very cold and neglectful family, where his mom was unaffectionate and lacking in normal maternal love. I suspect she had a mental illness.

Even so...

He says he so attracted to me etc so why isn't that enough to have a good sex life and especially when you're supposed to be in love with the "girl you lost in high school?"

I a beside myself with all this because he walked out on two previous marriages due to similar issues.

We never had sex in highschool just petting. When we got back together late in life he made an issue about that too -- that I was the only girl in school who wouldn't put out and wouldn't do that for him.

Can you put some spyware on his computer/phone? I believe he's still looking at porn.

Did you read the articles, BB?

Yes I read them Melody. I don't have a sexual aversion to him and have never had issues with sex before this. It's mostly his attitude about our whole marriage hinging on that one thing. It means I have no "ammo" -- by that I mean I can't make him happy by serving good food (told me if he wanted an apple pie he could buy one), making a nicely decorated home, a garden or any of the other things I do well. He just doesn't care about those things.

He also said I could have a dog when we married and then reneged. Again I think it's because he doesn't feel I "deserve" it.

I'm not sure I could get him to POJA anything at this point. He heart has hardened - he says he's been asking me to change (get better at sex) for almost two years and I haven't tried.

He is very controlling too. I'm not allowed to have a window open at night because it disturbs his sleep. Also get hassled if I cough at night because it disturbs his sleep. And he sulks if I put on pajamas because if I cared I'd sleep nude. Sigh.

Please listen to these clips about pornography.

Radio Clip About Pornography
Segment #2

Tell us what you think.

You are both creating an incompatible marriage by proposing win/lose solutions. That is funny that you call him "controlling" because you can't "control" him about sleeping with the window open or force him to have a dog.

Win/lose strategies wreck marriages because they make the marriage incompatible. Marriage Builders proposes win/win solutions, rather than sacrifice.

Listened to the clips. My H would have nothing but scorn for Dr Harley's views on porn. He (husband) thinks it a harmless outlet and also no one's business but his. I tried to have a discussion with him about it before we married but he got very tense with me on the subject. I've not asked him much about it since because it always causes an issue. Having said that I always wonder when or if he's looking at it when he comes to bed later than me, or when I am away visiting mom or now, because he's not happy with our sex life.

Do you want to disturb his sleep? If he agreed to sleep with the window open, he would be unhappy and pretty soon want to sleep elsewhere. Trying to force your desires on him never works. He makes you unhappy when he does this so surely you can see that he will be unhappy if do it to him?


It disturbs my husband too. And since I don't want to disturb him, I take cough syrup before I go to bed.


This is an example of him attempting to force his will on you even though it makes you unhappy. This is an example of win/lose. He wants to gain at your expense. Those types of agreements create resentment and incompatibility.