There is another issue in all this -- and that is my religion. My H is agnostic and doesn't go to church with me. He did at the beginning, which I thought was wonderful, but he stopped when he began thinking about our sex problems. He believes I'm prudish and uptight and don't know what I'm missing with respect to sex.

He is now treating more like a roommate than his wife. Not much affection and not asking for intimacy. This is very scary for me because my H is a very sexually driven person.

You see, the other good reason for getting a keylogger is that he might be visiting prostitutes or having an affair. Given his complete sexual abandonment of you lately, prostitutes seem very likely to me. Also, you mentioned getting UTIs, and these might be something that you are picking up from another woman.

Please stop resisting this and download one already! Get eblaster from SpectorPro. You will need to use a credit or debit card to buy the software so you must make sure your H never sees the credit card statement on which the purchase appears. If he checks all statements then you must buy a pre-paid card to pay for it.

You need to have administrator privileges on your PC in order to install the blaster.

Does anyone here have any comments about the amount of time he spends on his own pursuits?

From about 6 in the am to 2:00 he is busy exercising, then reading on his computer, then juicing his lunch (which means we never have lunch together). Then it's TV time, which he spends watching shows I don't particularly enjoy but I do it anyway since he gets annoyed if I object. There is little conversation during this part of the day (6-2:00). I often feel lonely and have told him about it but he has yet to cut back on his alone time.

At times I wonder why he married me since he enjoys his own company so much and only seems to require sex. He thinks he treats me like a princess since he never asks for anything else besides this and doesn't need me to cook etc.

This is why I feel guilty about things.

He never leaves the house so I don't think there's anything going on right now.

There could be internet sex.

I don't know why you are so resistant to secretly checking what he does online for all those hours. If there is a problem that you don't know about you are barking up the wrong tree trying to solve a different one. (Porn is a huge problem, of course, but I think there might be more than that, or the porn use is more extensive than you realise.)

To answer your question: I don't think he is married at all. He lives like a single man. I don't know why he is married if he wants to live the way he does. I know that you'd be dismayed to have to divorce again at 62, but this isn't married life.

Let's be really clear about this point; he is the one with the problem, not you.

When a man looks at porn, the contrast effect causes him to see his wife as a source of sex that is a lot more bother that the easy gratification of porn. So, he tries to turn you into an easy trick, too. Being a real person, you can not compete with a fantasy.

Your husband's porn use constitutes a secret second life. Maintaining a secret second life is incompatible with having a healthy marriage. His porn use has to end, or your marriage will. This is all on him. It's not your fault.

Ugh this is what I've felt for awhile now - that he lives like a single man.

But if I just gave him all the sex he wanted wouldn't it solve all the problems? He says this is what he needs to be happy and feel close and have real intimacy with me.

Maybe I have it all backwards - if I did what he wanted, he wouldn't use porn (he mentioned this once).

Maybe then he's want to spend more time with me and less on his solitary pursuits. I'm so confused.

You need to stop pondering and discussing and taker action. Spying is the first step, to find out what is going on.

That is, unless you want to give up now and tell him to leave. That's what I would do, given the picture you've painted, but if you don't want to end the marriage you need to find out what you're dealing with.

Sugarcane why would you ask him to leave if you were me? Because of possible porn use, or the DJs, or his solitary ways??

He was so sweet and kind in the beginning - said he would be my rock and always protect me.

If I ask him to leave I suspect it would be over.

If you gave him all the sex he wants, it wouldn't solve the problems. Do you enjoy sex the way he wants? If not, then you shouldn't do it that way. The way making love ought to work in a marriage is that the person with the higher needs enjoys frequent sex, but the person with the lower need makes love in the way he/she enjoys. It's about both spouses feeling happy and fulfilled.

And the problem with the porn and masturbation is that it creates a powerful contrast effect that works against you, the real life woman in front of him. Masturbation requires no work at all on his part - quick and easy and satisfying. Porn also requires nothing on his part - quick and easy gratification with a bunch of air brushed women selected for their various appealing attributes. There's no way a real live woman can compete.

And the kind of sex a man into porn usually wants? Oral, and um...other stuff that most women don't enjoy and many find repulsive. Oral sex is very stimulating to a man and that in itself can create a contrast effect, making the "usual" way of making love seem boring.

So is your husband asking you to make love in ways that show you his care and love for you? No! He wants sex in ways that are gratifying for him and not for you.

The problem with masturbation is that, in general, it tends to make a man a rather crappy lover. They orgasm too quickly, because that's what the habit has taught his reflexes. This effect will usually disappear in a couple or three weeks if masturbation completely ends.

These two things need to end as a start to fixing the problems in your marriage.

A really big love buster in marriage is independent behavior -acting as though your spouse doesn't exist. But a marriage is the blending of two people. There is no room at all in a good marriage for independent behavior.

Can you do this^^^^^?

Not easily - I'm not the administrator on his computer and it would be suspicious if I made such a request. He has a Blackberry phone and so wouldn't use that for porn.

I know he looks at porn when I'm away (he told me that long ago). I just don't know if he's doing it now or to what extent.

Again TMI but I was ok with gratifying him orally. I just didn't want to do anything on the um other end. I find that very offputting. He asked me to do that when we first married but I refused and he eventually stopped asking. I think it's still on his mind though.

I think what he really wants is for me to be the aggressor, and to have sex all over the house. I never had a problem with any of that -- what I have a problem with is him making sex the be all and end all of our relationship. It makes me wonder what he would do if I were to get sick and couldn't have sex. He would be a very unhappy and resentful man and might even shove me into a nursing home. You tend to think about stuff like this in your 60s - at least I do.

Well that should be a big clue about the type of man you are married to. Three wives are all prudes and f-ed up sexually? Yeah right.

Why did you marry him knowing he walked out on two marriages for such a reason? Did he cheat on his ex-wives?

Yes he could be looking at porn on his BlackBerry. You can look up porn on any smart phone.

Do you use the same computers at home? You should be able to put a keylogger on when he is "working out" for 8 hours.

Bluebird,

What do you want to do about this? You can stay under these conditions, but it's not much of a marriage. Do you understand this? He is not acting with any care at all towards you.

You can stay; no one here is telling you that the only answer is to leave...but it might be to separate if he refuses to meet your own ENs and continues his independent behavior. Continuing to demand sex in a way that you don't want is a selfish demand. When you don't do what he wants the way he wants, he punishes you by ignoring you and/or telling you that this is all because you the problem for not complying with his selfish demands.

Have you read this article on why women leave men?

Here

Please read the article, if you haven't already, and let us know what you think about Dr. Harley's thoughts on this.

Excellent article. This is exactly how I feel he is treating me - as though I were only one room in his life.

My deceased husband was abusive and although not dx, (he refused counseling) displayed NPD traits. He was also verbally and at times physically abusive. I stayed because it's very hard to leave a narcissist once your self-esteem and confidence are gone. Once he became ill, I definitely knew I had to stay until the end.

I vowed I'd never be treated with disrespect again and yet here I am with another selfish man.

He left his first wife after three years of marriage, because she stopped taking bc without telling him and got pregnant. He also says her spending was out of control.

He stayed in his second marriage for 17 years and had two kids. He claims the marriage fell apart when she lost interest in sex after the children and refused counseling. I never asked if he cheated on her during that time.

I have to admit I thought the two divorces were "red flags" but I was silly in love with my lost love from highschool and perhaps in a bit of denial.

Can you contact his XW and ask them their side of the story?

Not possible - H would consider that a huge betrayal. I will ask him myself when things cool down a bit.