If you send Dr Harley an email describing the problem he will offer to speak to your husband. Dr Harley is very persuasive and might be able to help. You can write him via the radio link above. It is all free and he will even send you a free book!

Interesting point Melody. I only asked to have the window open occasionally and was hoping he would POJA that, but no. On the dog issue, I haven't pressed it but he did say I could have one and now doesn't want one.

I do believe sacrifice results in resentment, and I think my H feels he's sacrificing a good sex life by staying with me and now feels resentful.

If he doesn't like something, it should not be forced on him. It should be dropped. Just because he thought it was a good idea to have a dog at one time, does not mean he likes that idea now, though. The POJA means to reach agreements that are ENTHUSIASTIC, not reluctant agreements. Capitulation and sacrifice lead to incompatible marriages so he should not agree to anything that makes him unhappy.

My H and I don't "poja" an open window at night, for example, because he knows I hate that. It would be a lovebuster to continually bring up an idea that I hate. See what I mean? If he dislikes the idea, then drop it or find a solution that makes you BOTH happy.


BECAUSE his mind is warped by the porn. Remove the porn and you can create a happy sex life.

That's exactly what I was concerned about. It also makes sense that he's other 2 marriage ended due to his addiction to porn.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

The policy of joint agreement holds that anytime a spouse becomes not enthusiastic about an agreement, that the agreement is dropped and a new one is negotiated. So if he was enthusiastic about a dog yesterday but not today, then you go back to the drawing board.

Also, please read these.
Addiction to Pornography #1
What to Do When Your Spouse Has an Addiction to Pornography Letter #2

Makes me wonder though, that if he thought he was getting the amount and variety of sex he wanted, that he would have got me a dog or open window no problem. He even said that if I gave him what he wanted in the bedroom I would be surprised how far it would get me -- which only made me feel like that's my only value to him.

Maybe I'm not grateful enough for having someone who desires me at my age and wants to make love to me??? I am very confused and feel guilty -- much like I felt in my previous marriage, but for other reasons.

I am grateful for him and for this second chance -- I don't want to mess it up but fear I already have caused him to lose love for me.

Did you read the porn addiction articles I posted? He has the contrast effect. Did you read about the contrast effect?

As long as he addicted to porn, he will keep comparing (contrast effect) you to the porn stars.

We have husbands on the boards that had porn addiction and their wives were extremely neglected. They have used MB and turned their marriages around. They had to stop their porn addiction and gawking at women.

Will your husband stop his porn addiction?

I have no idea . He is very independent and has probably learned this behavior through two other marriages and a childhood where he had to learn to self-soothe because his parents were emotionally distant.

I think he'd be resentful of me for asking him to stop. Or he would stop if I would be the sexual partner he wants -- but I'm not totally sure about that.

He doesn't gawk at other women as far as I know - at least not in front of me. I explained to him about the contrast effect a long time ago but he thought I was being ridiculous. The problem is, I don't know when or how often he looks at porn. Only that he has in the past and doesn't think it's a problem.

I really think the central issue is that he believes a woman needs to show love to her husband by being the sexual partner he needs. And he thinks I'm neglecting him in that area. He says he no longer trusts me to be able to be that person for him because he's been asking for change for so long.

And he's told me in the past he thinks I am "f'd up" (his words) about sex.

That really hurt.

Can you do this so you know?

There are numerous problems with a marriage with porn. The biggest problem right now is that you don't like it, and he doesn't want to stop. Most women don't like it when their H engages in porn.

Porn is causing him to think about all the other ways he could be having sex that most women who are married would find repulsive and unromantic. He's comparing porn sex and porn women to married sex and his wife. Married sex can be wonderfully rewarding, but it will appear very lackluster to a man who engages in porn.

Does he also masturbate to porn?

Please don't be so grateful to him for "giving you a chance." Dr. Harley has said on his radio show that, in truth, men need women more than vice versa. And that a man needs to do all he can to win and keep his wife. Women can easily live a very rewarding happy life as a single, whereas men don't do nearly as well. They are often less happy and less healthy and die younger. Hold your bar high.

I guess I'm scared of being alone again at 62. My first marriage was very unhappy and my H was verbally abusive. I still felt devastated when he died though, because I'd been married since I was 19.

I would rather just ask him outright if he's still looking at porn. I believe he will tell me the truth, although he won't like being asked.

But will he tell you the truth? It would be a good idea to get a keylogger and find out for yourself what he's doing online.

I totally understand about the fear of being alone. When I was looking at divorce after my H's affair three years ago, I was afraid, too. I'm so glad, and he is, too, that he completely turned around in his behavior towards me. Now he's incredibly caring and loving. He used to be into porn and masturbation, independent behavior and treated me like I was a nuisance. I can't imagine going back to live that way again.

Find the unmistakable evidence of porn, and keep it hidden someplace safe. Then tell your H you know what he's doing and that you don't like it and would like for him to stop.

If he refuses, then you should call Dr. Harley, as MelodyLane suggested. The Harleys are wonderfully respectful and helpful and Dr. Harley is very persuasive. He will give you great help.

Does he masturbate? I didn't see the answer to that question.

Will you email Dr. Harley?

Yes

Yes he masturbates, but I don't know when. He admitted he does this.