Prisca and I had a lot of trouble learning to recognize disrespect, too. It can be very subtle, but it is no less hurtful. Before Marriage Builders I would frequently hear something from Prisca and feel hurt and not know why I felt hurt. Or, more frequently, I would say something to her and she would be hurt, and I would not know why she was hurt.

Learning to recognize disrespectful judgments is a very valuable skill.

Do you fill out a disrespectful judgments worksheet for your husband each week?

I experience a lot of these and they're really difficult for me, especially as he doesn't not view them as something he needs to change. It's difficult to feel hopeful instead of mistreated. He's been very resistant to following the program and working on recovery. Currently, we're having phone meetings with Sandy every other week, but barely speaking to each other at home. We're not spending time together, as he's been irritable many times when we tried to plan things (doesn't like the way I do it - following MB protocol to schedule and make a plan - he prefers not to plan the date), The last time we had something scheduled, I asked what he wanted to do and he said he doesn't have to feel enthusiastic about spending time together.

That didn't feel like a deposit to me, either. I responded that he doesn't have to spend time with me if he doesn't want to do so and left the room. We haven't had any UA time since. Things are not good between us at this point... really not good. So, to answer your question, no, we're not working together on the lessons. I told Sandy that the DJ are the top threat to our marriage right now (followed by the AO, IB, SD and lack of honesty/openess, given some history)... we talk tomorrow - not sure what the plan is right now, just trying to follow where this leads.



The rest of the story about the dishes is that my daughter was recently hospitalized for about a week and I was with her in the hospital the entire time. While she was her sickest, leading up to the hospitalization, my focus was on her and I had to let a lot slide in some classes I'm taking and fell behind. I've been working on catching up since we got home, in addition to caring for her. I made up three tests last week and a major test today. I also homeschool my daughter and teach in her co-op.

She's improved a lot from how serious things were getting, but is still weak and tires easily - and has a significant chronic medical condition with acute exacerbations. She is trying to stay on top of keeping things tidy, as am I, but we have had some extenuating circumstances recently.

He did empty the dishwasher, but left dirty dishes in the sink - our agreement is that I will do most of the cooking and he will do most of the cleaning up of the kitchen. Most of the dishes added after he emptied the DW were my dd's, as she's recovering, doesn't always think to check the DW. I probably put a couple in there myself, but most of mine went to the DW. In any case.... I'm happy to work with him and and negotiate solutions that work for us both... I just want my concerns honored, too. In this case, I had already addressed this, early this am (before he sent the email), but I would appreciate the request without that comment.

....and, to be honest, I think I had a lot of trouble recognizing it at first and thus, was doing it to him, too. With Sandy's help, I'm learning. I've eliminated responding to him in ways that are disrespectful, even when he talks to me like this, as well as SD & AO, but, as I noted... we're not in a good place right now.

Thank you both for your feedback - I saw Prisca's up there, too.

You don't have to be enthusiastic about staying married to him, either!

HealingGrace, there doesn't seem to be a lot of optimism that your husband is going to engage in recovery.

I would suggest you begin following two parallel tracks:

1. Work with the program - continue regular communication with your coach and with Dr. Harley, fill out the weekly worksheets and deliver them to your husband (or to your coach or Dr. Harley if they've said to do that instead).

2. Meanwhile, at the same time, I would start preparing for a separation. Obtain legal counsel about how to get a separation with a court mandating that he continue to support you and any minor children. Also, get lined up to be able to support yourself.

It is possible that Dr. Harley and Sandy may be able to reach your husband, and he will eventually come around. If not, you will be prepared to get to a position of protection and healing, where you are not subjected to his disrespect and abuse. He can always reverse that at any time and if you've been giving him the regular feedback this program suggests like the weekly worksheets, he will have all the information he needs (and can get all the help he wants from Dr. Harley, Sandy, and us) if he decides he wants to turn that around.

The goal should be to separate while you still feel love for your husband, before it is gone completely due to his love busters.