This new information changes my view on this matter.
I now understand why your father in law, a minister, would tolerate his daughters infidelity...

Because she is doing what she was raised to do.
The in laws have a personal philosophy that man is his brothers keeper. This is the root of socialism.
So when they personally ruin their credit, they turn to their son in law and show that they NEED a place to live, they NEED a home.
Since you and others are their keeper, then you are obligated to sacrifice.

When their daughter NEEDS sex from other men, she has a right to get it because her needs trump all morality.

Friend, I had my MIL live with us for a third of our marriage...because she NEEDED a place to live.

Your FIL wont stand up to his daughter because he is worse than an infidel.

You need to ensure that Dr. Harley has thsi information and email him for guidance.

I haven't wrote Dr. Harley yet, planning on working that email tonight into tomorrow after I leave my Men's Addiction Group.

Update over the weekend.
(Saturday)
We had a nice time at the Please Touch Museum in Philly. I would say 95% of the conversation was peaceful. After the long day together I took them back to her parents house. She asked me was I upset because she didn't give me a kiss. I said no. She was like you sure. She said you seemed upset. I said no, I was in a great mood. She proceeded to say I been acting funny. I said how, she said by my action on Thursday. I said"He poses a threat to the marriage and family." She said, you should of talked to me first. I said, would you try to talk me out of it. End of that conversation.
***I asked for a Kiss and she said "Don't Press your Luck"***

I carried on a good attitude through all of this. I didn't yell or make any suggestive body language to show I was displease with anything.

(Sunday)
After church, we went out to eat with the church. She rode with her father, and I drove my daughter. We were a large group and I sat far away from her and she sat near the kids at the end of the table,
and everything seemed fine. Then she came with me and my daughter and she wanted to go to Target and look around. Went to target and looked at Easter stuff. Then she went to the Starbucks inside and got a drink and then i took them back to her grandparents. After she put our daughter to bed we sat on the couch and just watch TV. I said are you going to sit next to me, she said don't press your luck. She is reacting to what I did on Thursday. My friend asked me to be part of his wedding and wants to know should he invite her. I asked her if she wanted to go, but I already told her I was going to take her. She said that is up to you. I was displeased with that statement. I said our friend wants to know for the dinner rehearsal. She said I told you before I would go. Well, later I said I am going through some pictures on my computer and going to delete them. She said you should put them on a disc. I said no, their tainted, and have fake memories because she is wearing the OM's necklace in it.

Send the 2x4's!

WW is trying to start a fight to justify her actions. Good on you to avoid them. The bit about deleting pictures you should of kept to yourself. Also, it seems like your pressuring her to go to the wedding. Ask her "How would you feel like going/doing (whatever your idea is)". That statement takes her feelings into account.

When she starts blameshifting, for example saying you should of talked to her before you went to OMs house. Just say "I am sorry you feel that way." And change the subject to something neutral. How are you doing this fine Monday morning?

This is how I am doing this morning:

She responded to my text from last night about the pictures:
She said, weren't I wearing clothes I was acting out in porn. (AGAIN this comes up)

She said, when I look at those pictures should I focus on the affair in them.

I said if I had an affair and was wearing a necklace that OW gave me and we took pictures I would understand that the pictures need to be erased and I would want to build new memories."

I just said your right, I shouldn't focus on those things. And I was probably wearing the clothes I acted out in some pics. I will put them on disc.

Non-issue. Do not bring up the affair with her at all. Stop discussing sensitive topics with her. See is seeking justification because you found out the affair is still going on. Keep in mind she will lovebust you but don't do that to her. Be pleasant but at the same time if the affair is brought up by her just change the subject.

Ok, then I will stop doing that. Thanks.

And if she brings up YOUR transgressions AGAIN, use it as an opportunity to demonstrate what owning your side of the street looks like and what true repentance looks like.

You may need to do some soul searching yourself here. Sure she's throwing darts at you to take the focus off of her behavior but that doesn't mean you can just ignore her (like she's ignoring you when you point fingers at her).

I had to do some real soul searching here and realize that a my wife and I both had a lifetime of sin behind us that far preceded 2005. Sure she made the ultimate decision to cheat which was incredible hurtful and destructive but we both contributed greatly to the condition of our marriage that made cheating possible and as a man, I feel more responsible and accept more blame for that mistake than I put on my wife.


You can either lead recovery...or spend the rest of your marriage making passive aggressive jabs at one another in the never ending battle to get the other one to take the blame or her trying to manipulate you into keeping quiet (and not making her uncomfortable by mentioning anything)

MR.W you are absolutely right. I have made changes and apologized profusely but apparently I have not dealt with this the right way. I am not sure what I can do to own up to this. I have admitted to how it probably made her feel and how I am making changes to turn it around, but I also been free for almost 4 years from this sin.

I don't care if she wants to talk about this until she is blue in the face.

Should I go ahead and address my porn/lust and do this over and over?

I am thinking of writing her an email about this? Does that work for you guys or what would you recommend? Face to Face?

I don't have the answer to that question.

"It's been 4 years and you've apologized profusely." However, is that "repentance"? Is saying you are sorry enough? That is a personal determination. Repentance is a gift. Maybe you are/were maybe you weren't. That being said, at some point the repentant sinner has to be able to say "I've repented for my sins and changed my ways, it's been 4 years. My sins are as far as the east from the west. So it's completely unfair for you to bring them up as a defense to your sins which you clearly are not truly sorry (repentant) of".

Maybe an email out of the blue and off the cuff isn't the right way to go about this. Perhaps reading up on repentance (which is what you want from her and what you want to make sure you've done) is a good way to start...FIRST. Then you can have a good honest calm discussion with your wife about it as you learn the process of repentance TOGETHER.


This may be what you are getting to:

"Honey, I want to satisfy and put away any lingering resentments you have over my porn use years ago and any other hurtful behavior I've had towards you. At the same time, I want to release my own resentments over your behavior and, in particular, your affair. Perhaps we can learn together how to feel and express our remorse such that we can move past this destructive phase in our marriage where we just passive aggressively attack one another, trying to outshame the other one and on to a more open honest intimate proper marital relationship which we both can be proud of modeling in front of our impressionable daughter."

I appreciate this. Doing my research and working on how to convey the message to her so it is genuine and empathetic. I really want to show her I care about what my addiction has done to her.

The trick also becomes doing it without demanding or expecting her to do the same.

Former wayward wives don't often feel true remorse for what they've done UNTIL they fall in love with their husband's again and become empathetic to your journey dealing with them. She has to love you AND get out of herself to do this. Focus first on getting her to love you and the rest will (God willing) follow.


Had a thought about the email you proposed earlier. Probably a bad idea because she will read anything you say/write as manipulative (trying to get her to respond in kind) versus sincere. In the sea of passive aggression it's really difficult to determine what's sincere and what's not.


I'm not recalling your story so I'm sorry if I'm missing substantive facts in your story as they relate to this.

I don't think your missing any facts but I will point out, I was a porn addict... where I fell of the bandwagon quite a few times. Not until May 19, 2010 was I able to really start putting things in place to protect myself and stay away from the line that I would of crossed over and over.

I always told her about me acting out, and when the last time i acted out.

I am right now investigating and looking up a phone number. It goes to a land line but apparently not a business.

I am thinking of getting a couple of VARS and putting them in my in laws house... suggestions, ideas?

Went back and read the last couple pages. Your parents are harboring your wife and you are paying their mortgage. Seems you could have a conversation with your FIL about the fact that when he, of sound mind and free will, GAVE his daughter to you that he should honor that gift and not interfere with your marriage by harboring your unrepentant wife. The fact you pay for the safe house just adds insult to injury.

That being said, I read you also had some anger issues at some point in time so if this is a safety issue while you get control of your emotions than maybe it's for the best TEMPORARILY.

I have been in Anger Management and going to Counseling. So you think I should talk to my FIL and ask him to send my WW back to the house?

I don't know the whole history between y'all but do you think he'd be receptive to the notion???

Seems he has some skin in this game. He stands to lose his biggest benefactor should the two of you divorce. How about you put the house you currently live in up for sale and tell FIL that you are moving in with him.

Being separated from your children isn't the way to go about this. She doesn't get to cheat AND make you a part time dad at the same time. Custody should be 50-50.