Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 29 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 28 29
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
I may have missed it somewhere in my reading, but can anyone tell me if Dr Harley considers a husband's porn viewing tantamount to being unfaithful?

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Originally Posted by Bluebird51
I may have missed it somewhere in my reading, but can anyone tell me if Dr Harley considers a husband's porn viewing tantamount to being unfaithful?


It is.

Out of curiosity. Did you manage to setup the keylogger? If so.. Which one did you go with?

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Originally Posted by SusieQ
I just read thru the entire thread. Lots of great advice.

It's unclear to me - was a keylogger ever installed??

Unanswered....


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
Eblaster on order

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Did you know you can download it right away? Then all you have to do is copy it to a stik and install on his computer.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
Oh well, didn't realize that. All I know is he is more distant than ever and I am extremely low. I think he'll leave if he finds out about the keylogger or will never feel the same way about me again. I am too old to start over if this doesn't work and I'm afraid to be alone.

Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Originally Posted by Bluebird51
I am too old to start over if this doesn't work and I'm afraid to be alone.

This breaks my heart. Have you told your husband how you feel about your situation?


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
He knows. We discussed this when we first met again. He knows all about my heartbreak of the past. My bad first marriage, caregiving a difficult spouse etc.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Bluebird51
Oh well, didn't realize that. All I know is he is more distant than ever and I am extremely low. I think he'll leave if he finds out about the keylogger or will never feel the same way about me again. I am too old to start over if this doesn't work and I'm afraid to be alone.

You don't have a marriage TO SAVE if the only way you maintain the relationship is if you allow him to keep secrets from you. There can be no secrets in marriage. Did you write Dr Harley? I would ask Dr Harley to help you persuade him to give up the pornography and create an integrated marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
Yes I sent him an e-mail yesterday.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
As someone who has been in a lonely marriage, it is far more lonely to sit there uncomforted, uncared for but not free to do your own things either.

If he isn't husband material you would have a far more fulfilling life on your own than tied to a visibly offensive lack of care. Think what you would be free to do without having to bear all this weight and responsilibity for the entire marraige.

Women do great on their own! Besides why are you too old to have another go? That makes no sense to me. There's no cut off age for romantic love as far as I'm aware.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
Thank you Indie for that compassionate response. My mom has often told me this but I've mostly been with a partner since age 19 and went straight from home to marriage. I wasn't good at dating after husband passed away and kind of dread the thought of it now. H on the other hand will simply go back to being the ladies man if we split and will no doubt waste no time getting out there due to his extremely strong sex drive.

Oh well, I'll just have to see what happens and do my best to help him see our marriage as worth saving.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
There are a lot of things you can try before you get to that point, but never fear, we will coach you. I will be your personal general for your dating campaign if you like.

Besides which, nice men don't want someone who is 'good at dating'. They want someone who is good at being a wife. You're a catch missus!

Originally Posted by Bluebird51
H on the other hand will simply go back to being the ladies man if we split and will no doubt waste no time getting out there due to his extremely strong sex drive.

.


If that happens we arent going to waste any of our time caring about this.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
Thanks!!!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Awesome posts, indiegirl!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
I also think you have received good advice from Indie. From a man's point of view, I see two problems with your husband.

First, your husband is addicted to sex with multiple partners. He likes the excitement of new conquests. That is why he has his list and sadly, that is why you are on it. Addictions--be they drugs, alcohol, or sex--are deadly to marriage. Unless the addictions are handled, the marriage cannot be fixed. Can your husbands addiction be fixed? Yes. Is he willing to take the first step, which is acknowledging there is a problem? I don't know. But that is something you may look into trying. Dr. Harely will be able to give you good advice in this area when you contact him.

Secondly, as I shared with you earlier, your husband is a desparado. He likes to go it alone, set his own agenda. This will be an insurmountable wedge if he isn't willing to change. If he is unwilling to practice POJA (the policy of joint agreement) then you will always be unhappy.

I believe your marriage is worth fighting for, and your call to Dr. Harley could be instrumental. But if he is unwilling to change for you, then you must accept that.

You strike me as a very thoughtful and gentle person, and I am sorry to see that you have had husbands who did not put into the marriage what you are willing to give. But not all men are that way, and there are plenty of them who want to make their spouses happy and who seek mutual fulfillment and happiness. I hope your two experiences don't make you completely jaded.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
thanks Just. It's too bad I didn't want to acknowledge the red flags, but I do appreciate your support and sympathy.


Last edited by Bluebird51; 03/27/14 10:57 AM.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by Bluebird51
thanks Just. It's too bad I didn't want to acknowledge the red flags, but I do appreciate your support and sympathy.


Don't feel bad. You came out of an abusive marriage with your self esteem shattered and this man felt like a miracle. You did not think about the red flags because you thought you knew him already. You are not the first and definitely not the last either to make that mistake.

Rather than beating yourself up, focus on making yourself happy with who you are. Once you really know that you will be just fine alone if he does not buy into the changes, you will be in a much stronger position. He will sense that and it may be just what he needs as a wake up call.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 201
The Harleys addressed my e-mail today on their show. They said that unless H was willing to drop the porn and POJA on other things we were probably headed for divorce. Dr. Harley says the ball is in H's court.

Page 7 of 29 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 28 29

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (SilverMG), 574 guests, and 69 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Seraphinang, ScreamArt, BibleBeliever, JhocelinDeschamp, Elysia007
71,916 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Question for those who have done coaching
by Blackhawk - 12/12/24 11:08 PM
Newbie here. Advice appreciated. MLC??
by Dynamiq - 12/06/24 05:02 PM
Separation
by BrainHurts - 11/27/24 08:59 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,618
Posts2,323,473
Members71,917
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5