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He said he told me he's finished. and then he said that he is talking to a lawyer.
I don't think he reads it anymore. I missed this detail about going to the lawyer. You didn't answer nerlycrazy's question very clearly. Was he reading this thread at one time? If he was, you have no idea whether he is reading it now, and he probably is.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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He is still seeing her.. i'm 5 hours away right now at his family's house, but when i get back he wants to meet and 'talk'. This contradicts some of what you said later this same day. You have said that OW dumped him and that he says that the marriage is finished. When can you get home to talk to him? We need to be clear about what is he doing and the status of the affair, or we cannot advise you properly. Is there some reason that your posts are so short and disjointed? Are you posting from a phone? Is it possible for you to give full answers to our questions? It is very hard to advise when you do not give full information. Who is this OW? Is she someone he met in a bar, or does he work with her? Do you know her name? (Don't tell us here.) By the sound of it she is single, but do you know that for sure? Does she live anywhere near your marital home? Are his parents supporting you in busting up the affair and putting pressure on your H?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I think the affair actually began in January.
I have just started plan A today (because I didn't find out about the affair until yesterday). Prior to this, I HAVE been working on myself.
We have no contact with each other, so he doesn't see me to see change or anything.
He has expressed NO interest in coming back home or repairing things. He said that he told me he is finished with me. He said that I love misery and want to make him miserable. and he said that he is talking to a lawyer.
Living arrangements- we (now I) live in my parent's basement right now. He gives me money every other week for my daughter and me.
He is living in the office, his car, and his boss' house (I am not sure if his gf knew those details...)
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He just texted : "take your self pity and misery and bestow it on another. I am done. We are done. Stop [censored] with me. I don't want to be with you, I don't love you anymore. We're over. You can't [censored] my life up anymore."
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Who is she and where did he meet her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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sorry sugarcane:
He had made it seem to me (yesterday) that his affair was not over. But, I found out from HER that it is, that she wants nothing to do with him. They met online, and she lives close to his work. I know her name.
I can get back to my home this weekend, but he doesn't want to talk to me, and he wants nothing to do with me.
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I texted him with a plan A statement (I'm willing to work with you to create a marriage where both our needs are met. However, you must end your affair."). Plan A is the expression of the willingness to meet your spouses needs if he commits to reconciliation. You have done that in spades for several weeks. Continuing to chase him will be very unattractive to him and will just wear you down. I would prepare to go into Plan B AND make sure the affair is exposed to everyone. Expose the affair to the OW's parents, your husbands boss and any other close family members. Obviously the OW did not know he was married, but it is important that her parents know the truth so she is not tempted to take him back. I would also download the book Surviving an Affair on kindle today and read it so you understand what you are dealing with.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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sorry sugarcane:
He had made it seem to me (yesterday) that his affair was not over. But, I found out from HER that it is, that she wants nothing to do with him. They met online, and she lives close to his work. I know her name. He is probably trying to get her back by convincing her that his "marriage is over." That is why you need to contact her parents yourself and tell them that your husband left you and your child to pursue an affair with their daughter. Tell them he lied to her about her marital status but ask them to use their influence to keep him away so you can try and save your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But, I found out from HER that it is, that she wants nothing to do with him. That is unlikely to last long. This is why you need to blow up the affair and make sure she can't change her mind. Does she have a facebook page? I am not suggesting you epxose to her contacts, but oyu need to copy and paste her contacts into a text doc for safekeeping in case the affair starts up again. And your husband is working hard to get it going again!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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okay. How do I go about doing a Plan B?
He is being so incredibly hateful right now through text.
I will expose it.
His family is for the most part on the side of marriage (our marriage).
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I will expose it.
His family is for the most part on the side of marriage (our marriage). GO READ my exposure thread linked in my signature FIRST.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He just informed me that he was going to try to have a conversation with me when I get back, but that I messed that up (by contacting his OW)
Do you think I should restart the Plan A? (because of the set back)
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He just informed me that he was going to try to have a conversation with me when I get back, but that I messed that up (by contacting his OW)
Do you think I should restart the Plan A? (because of the set back) You should enter Plan B.
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If you have not finished exposure, you need to finish it today to all family and friends (and OW family and friends).
Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 03/26/14 09:19 AM.
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He just informed me that he was going to try to have a conversation with me when I get back, but that I messed that up (by contacting his OW)
Do you think I should restart the Plan A? (because of the set back) I would finish your exposures TODAY before you speak to him. See, his plan is to spin the story like this and you need to get the truth out there NOW so people will support you: your spouse: "lonelygal has made me miserable for years so I have moved out and am filing for divorce. In the meantime, I met a new friend and lonelygal is going crazy and harassing her and others. She just needs to accept our marriage is over." TRUTH: he met an OW online, began an affair, and has abandoned his family to pursue his affair. In order to justify his affair, he has exaggerated grievances against his wife. Do you see the difference? The affair is in a downward spiral and he is striving to save the sinking ship right now. So if you don't act FAST, he will be successful. You need to use the template in my exposure thread and expose the TRUTH to his family, friends and boss. Then CALL up the OW's parents and tell them all about the affair and ask for their help. That will ruin the future of the affair and make it less likely that she will take him back.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Send this email to friends, family and his boss [and anyone else on his side who might have an influence:
Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because he has been carrying on an affair with a woman named named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He met her online and the affair began sometime in January according to the OW. She did not know he was married. The purpose of the separation is so that he can carry on his affair without my interference.
I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get him to stop and work on the marriage. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade him to end his affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if he would only end the affair. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.
I would so appreciate your support and prayers.
Warmest regards,
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, �I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!� �I cannot trust you� �You have to pack and leave!!� �You have ruined any chance you had!!� Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don�t laugh, don�t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don�t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!
Have you read Exposure 101?
Your WH is saying exactly what we would expect. Don't let him distract you from getting truth out there. He wants to keep his affair a secret because affairs thrive on secrecy. He knows the light of day will kill his chances with OW.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Call up the OW's parents and tell them who you are and the age of your child. Tell them that their daughter has been having an affair with your husband and that he moved out in January to be with her. He lied to her about his marital status.
Ask for their support in ending this affair. You realize their daughter has dumped him but you also know that your H is trying to get her back because he believes it is hopeful.
Let them know there is no future for their DD with your husband because the inlaws know all about the affair and would never allow her into their family. She would be eternally hated by the inlaws and your child for her part in breaking up your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He just informed me that he was going to try to have a conversation with me when I get back, but that I messed that up (by contacting his OW)
Do you think I should restart the Plan A? (because of the set back) What is the "setback?"
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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