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He just informed me that he was going to try to have a conversation with me when I get back, but that I messed that up (by contacting his OW)
Do you think I should restart the Plan A? (because of the set back) What is the "setback?" I agree there is no set back. You were warned this is the typical response of the average wayward. Pay it no mind and carry on. You won't get a bunch of flowers for busting up his affair. It's a cheap bit of candy but currently his favourite thing!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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the set back was that he was going to talk about reconciliation, and then I messaged her.
He had informed a couple select others that he was going to talk with me.
I understand the Plan B, but since this JUST happened, and the anger JUST came out, shouldn't I (or couldn't I) give until next week? I am strong enough..
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the set back was that he was going to talk about reconciliation, and then I messaged her.
He had informed a couple select others that he was going to talk with me.
.. Anything he SAYS to either you, or to others should be taken with a very large pinch of salt! He was always dead set on keeping you BOTH. The reconciliation claim was nonsense to make him look like a good guy. Addictions like this don't go away overnight. The only thing that has changed is that now you;ve stood up for yourself, he now needs to knock you back down into control. If he WAS going to reconcile - gues what he would be doing? Reconciling! You;ve just exposed this claim as a worthless lie to keep you controlled with hope. I understand the Plan B, but since this JUST happened, and the anger JUST came out, shouldn't I (or couldn't I) give until next week? I am strong enough.. You aren't strong. You are in the house of mirrors known as hope. He could tell you anything right now and you would believe him. You need Plan B and he can figure out if he really wants to reconcile outside of your Plan B on his own two feet. His 'anger' is laughable. Is he angry at himself for being a cheat?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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If he does contact you to tell you off for being a truth teller while he is a cheat - just be very, very bored. If you respond to what he is saying at all.
My response would be 'Uh huh, hmm. Not really good enough. Have to go. Bye bye now.'
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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thank you, indiegirl! Those responses are great.
I actually didn't have to expose him to everyone. His family is so large that they did it for me. I can't contact her family- I don't know anything other than a very common name, and couldn't find them on facebook or anything.
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the set back was that he was going to talk about reconciliation, and then I messaged her.
He had informed a couple select others that he was going to talk with me.
I understand the Plan B, but since this JUST happened, and the anger JUST came out, shouldn't I (or couldn't I) give until next week? I am strong enough.. You are caught up in the emotion right now, you need to focus on the plan and ignore your WH's actions. He is in fantasy land and will act irrationally until his affair ends and he completes withdrawal. Think about it, why would he be angry that you contacted OW one on one if he wanted to reconcile? He would embrace that if he truly wanted to recover your Marriage. Also, he clearly has contact with her or he wouldn't even know you contacted her, he wants to continue the A and will say anything and do anything to make that happen, this is known as gaslighting.
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thank you, indiegirl! Those responses are great.
I actually didn't have to expose him to everyone. His family is so large that they did it for me. I can't contact her family- I don't know anything other than a very common name, and couldn't find them on facebook or anything. Get to working on that so you can expose to her parents. Did you find her facebook page? Did you send out an email to the friends and family like I suggested?? I get the sense that you are ignoring our advice again. Are you finding her parents. Are you doing anything??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess my post was missed so I will post it again - I spent a lot of time on it and I hope it wasn't a waste: Call up the OW's parents and tell them who you are and the age of your child. Tell them that their daughter has been having an affair with your husband and that he moved out in January to be with her. He lied to her about his marital status.
Ask for their support in ending this affair. You realize their daughter has dumped him but you also know that your H is trying to get her back because he believes it is hopeful.
Let them know there is no future for their DD with your husband because the inlaws know all about the affair and would never allow her into their family. She would be eternally hated by the inlaws and your child for her part in breaking up your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If he does contact you to tell you off for being a truth teller while he is a cheat - just be very, very bored. If you respond to what he is saying at all.
My response would be 'Uh huh, hmm. Not really good enough. Have to go. Bye bye now.' I would say more like "Ok, ok. I am standing up for our marriage and am willing to work on our marriage so we have a fulfilling romantice marriage where both of our needs are met, but this is impossible until your A is over and you have no contact with the OW. I love you, DD and I are here ready for you and have a good day."
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reposting: Send this email to friends, family and his boss [and anyone else on his side who might have an influence:
Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because he has been carrying on an affair with a woman named named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He met her online and the affair began sometime in January according to the OW. She did not know he was married. The purpose of the separation is so that he can carry on his affair without my interference.
I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get him to stop and work on the marriage. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade him to end his affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if he would only end the affair. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.
I would so appreciate your support and prayers.
Warmest regards,
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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i looked for them with reverse number lookup, no name shows up. Nothing on FB.
Yes, I sent the message like you suggested.
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Exposure is your stick. Now is the time for stick. He's been getting plenty of carrots!
Let's move this mule on into pole position and then get you into Plan B.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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i looked for them with reverse number lookup, no name shows up. Nothing on FB.
Yes, I sent the message like you suggested. keep looking!! Don't stop until you have exhausted every resource. Does she live with her parents? Where do they live? Do you know? Is she married??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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she's not married, and i have no clue who she lives with or where
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she's not married, and i have no clue who she lives with or where Keep searching!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you have her phone number, email address or an online nickname? Sometimes if you google these things or search on Facebook you can turn up her identity.
One thing you could do is once he gets in touch, tell your H he has five minutes to give you all her info or you will not consider him serious about reconcilliation. If he wants to know why you want it just tell him: "To see if you are for real".
However this should be a last ditch attempt. Try everything else to find her on your own first.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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What do you know? Lets start there.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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i have her phone number (and location), but it's under her dad's name, which is a common name. I don't know her name, just his (I think I said I knew her name before? I meant that i know the name on the phone).
I have tried googling, FB, everything, and i can't find anything.
My H doesn't want reconciliation now, so he won't give any information. He wants to get a D. He's irate that I did this.
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i had a lovebuster (a pretty big one). I told him that someone in his family told me to look up her number.
Then, when he caught me in that lie, I said that it was a friend.
Then, I admitted that it was me in the heat of the moment.
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i have her phone number (and location), but it's under her dad's name, which is a common name. I don't know her name, just his (I think I said I knew her name before? I meant that i know the name on the phone). Why don't you call her back and ask for her name? Do you have the address for the phone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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