Did you download and read Surviving an Affair like I suggested? Get everything in order FIRST. Who is your IM? How will finances and visitations be handled? Get this all worked out FIRST so you can go completely dark after you send the letter.

Has your husband contacted you TODAY about your exposures?

I ordered it on ebay, b/c i can't afford to download it.

My im is a mutual friend. finances he will give money, and i'm not sure if there will be visitations.

Yes, he contacted me today, but it was anger and I don't know if it was about me messaging her or about the exposures.

I would read SAA first before you go into Plan B so you understand WHY you should go into Plan B. Hopefully you did not order an old version.

Did you listen to his messages? Do you have confirmation that he knows you have exposed to the OW's father? You want them to all be contacting him.

You will probably want to set up visitiations but tell him he will have to pick up your daughter on the porch, and return her the same way. Can your parents do the child tranfers?

Give him a set schedule, such as 1-3 on Saturday and every Wednesday from 5 to 7. [just an example] If there is a set schedule, then you aren't in constant communication with the IM. If one of you files for divorce, this will be the schedule they will adopt so it is good to get a routine in place.

He's feeling the impact of the exposures. He told his mom that his phone was 'blowing up' all day.

My parents are abusive, so they are not allowed near her.

A set schedule is good.

since I have to wait for my book, should i work on Plan A until then? This way I'm not just sitting stagnant?

i emailed my counselor about it being an affair, but we don't meet until next week. As for the forgiveness, it's for me to apologize more than it's for him. I need to clear that in myself.

Could one of you please answer if you think there is hope for my marriage even though I was incredibly abusive? Have you seen many successes? I know a few of you have been active on here for a long time (and have wonderful advice)

Yes, I agree you should just stay in Plan A until you are fully ready to go into Plan B. That will give you time to leave on a pleasant note. If he calls, be as pleasant as possible and don't allow him to bait you into a fight. Can you do that?


Success!!

As far as hope, I give your marriage about a 50-50 chance. your husband left for his affair and has placed all the blame on your "abuse." Do you understand that he used your "abuse" to rationalize his affair? Your behavior was wrong, but he has exaggerated it to paint himself as the victim here. YOU ARE THE VICTIM! Don't say that to him but don't let him keep pounding you about your abuse.'

Just tell him you will be willing to make a radical change in your behavior in the future if he ends his affair. <-----that is the message you should give him. Don't offer to forgive him though.

thank you.

I will go back to plan A.

he has been texting vicious things, and i responded with simple things "cooking for (daughter)", things like that- things that I am doing that I did not do in our relationship.

should i make them more heartfelt if i am to be in plan a?

I wouldn't reply at all if he is nasty.

What is he saying?

- " take your self pity and misery and bestow it on another. I am done. We are done. Stop [censored] with me. I don't want to be with you, I don't love you anymore. We're over."

-"you can't eff my life up anymore"

-"done"

-"was going to try to have a conversation with you when you came back..you effed that up" me:"how?" him:"magic, you tell me"

-"you are finished"


How can I deposit love units if I don't see him or have contact?

(and the book I ordered is the 2007 version :-/ It was all I could afford)

Go online and check if your local library has a more recent copy. If not, ask if they have a "buy what the readers ask for" policy, whereby they would stock the most current edition.

The 2007 edition is better than nothing, but you might be able to get a more recent copy faster through your library...

i already called the library here, nothing. If I'm back in my home area before my book is there, I will get it from that library.

This is so hard.

Should I call or message him at all or just let him contact me?

You can't deposit love units because his love bank is CLOSED to you. It has been closed for a long time. And will stay closed until the affair is killed. That is why we were so adamant about finding out if there is an affair.

And you dealt a death blow to the affair!! He is FURIOUS!!

So when he calms down and calls, just tell him you are sorry he is upset but felt everyone should know about his affair. Now you know why he left. [he will deny it and blame on you, aka satan incarnate]

See, he has been demonizing you all this time in order to justify his affair.

Let him call you.

yes, well, I was abusive, too (pretty badly), but he is def wrong to do this!

How can I do plan a without love units? isn't anything positive pretty much a love unit?

Can you do a mod notify and ask them to give me your email address? Can I email you? If so, will you mod notify and give them your email address?

of course! i would love that
.. how do i notify the mods?

Plan A means that you commit to meeting his needs in the future if he ends his affair and commits to the marriage. Since he has been in an affair, though, his lovebank has largely been closed. The changes you have made have, no doubt, left a good impression and that is what you WANT.

edited

I read the book.

and I am wondering:

How do you KNOW if the WS and OW are over?

What if WS does not want to reconcile? What if he does not want to work on the POJA?

I related to Sue and John a lot (as my husband fell in love with the OW, and all, and it seemed to take the natural end of her wanting nothing to do with a married man and lies in general), except he is angry and DONE, not willing to work on things as Sue was.