He's mad at me because he feels like I blew his last chance with her by texting her (even though there was no last chance). She let him know about my text, and that it's more of a reason to not see each other- because I am not done with my marriage.

I found this out from a family member, not him. He's through with me.

Not only is he in full blown justification mode but he's trying to provoke more anger to get more justication.

If he contacts you and the only reaction he gets is calm, cool and collected - and a willingness to meet needs in future, you're golden.

He can hardly expect you to be a loving wife while he is cheating on you. It is very important to not let Plan A turn into Plan Doormat.

Plan A is carrot and stick and it is totaly OK to say 'that's hurtful' or 'I'm ending this conversation until you are more civil'. "I will meet your needs when your end your affair" is as far out as you need to lean.

As for Sue and John she was very unremorseful and angry for a long time. She said there was no hope even after the A ended. She is also a WW, which is a completely different creature to a WH.



Listening to anything a wayward says is a terrible idea. He would need help finding his own behind at the moment.

Thank you!

On a positive unrelated note, I just took a step in applying to some jobs that would open the doors to a career I want (I have been a stay at home wife/mom since I got married at 20 years old)

No, Sue was not willing. She was angry and done. She moved in with Greg! Jon had to go into Plan B for a while until the affair crumbled. And that is what you should do. Plan to go into Plan B and as his affair crumbles the situtition will change.

HOWEVER, your Plan B letter gives him your conditions for return. I don't think you really understand the gravity of the crime your husband has committed against you. This trumps any "abuse" your husband committed against you and if he wants to come back he will have to commit to making radical changes so this does not happen again. Otherwise, you are better off without him.

Did you read the Plan B letter?

No he's not. He's angry that you interfered with his affair! you ruined his great set up! A wife on the sidelines and a mistress on the front burner! You ruined it all for him!!

thank you.

yes, i read the plan b letter.

But IF his affair is over, (I'm not saying it is for CERTAIN, b/c he probably found someone else), but anyway, if it IS over, what would plan b accomplish?

i understand that it's to get him to end his affair.. but if it's already ended, what good is it if he's already gone?

What if WS does not want to reconcile? What if he does not want to work on the POJA?[/quote]

Then he doesn't get another chance with you. When you go into Plan B, you will tell him that he must end his affair and commit to recovering the marriage so this never happens again. He will have to give you just compensation to make up for the wrongs he has committed against you. If he won't do that, then you don't have a marriage anyway and would be better off without him.

I think you will be surprised at what happens when you go into Plan B, though. The PURPOSE of Plan B is to protect YOU from his affair and his refusal to work on the marriage. That being said, it has been my experience that when a BS goes into Plan B, suddenly that WS who wanted nothing to do with the BS is furious that he is not allowed contact! The reason is because he liked having control over her and liked having her around as a fallback option while he conducted his affair. But as his affair crumbles, he may become more and more willing to work on your marriage - just as happened with Jon and Sue.

The purpose is to protect you from a spouse who won't commit to the marriage, who refuses to meet your needs. He is much more likely to be motivated to do so if you remove yourself from the scene.

Another key element here is that you should not appear as if you are chasing him or are too available. Not only is that unattractive to HIM, but it wears you down emotionally. This is why Harley recommends that betrayed wives only spend 3-4 weeks in Plan A. Esentially you have been in Plan A for months.

I assure you he is in damage control and is doing everything to persuade her to come back to him. The affair is not over. But that is beside the point. If he refuses to meet your needs in a committed marriage, then Plan B is the answer.

I get it. I'm getting back to my home state this week, so I will write up the letter today and mail it. By the time I get there, he will have the letter, and I can remove his belongings.

There is no hurry. You might wait until next week when things settle down from exposure. You want the last thing on his mind to be a pleasant interaction with him if possible. I would get everything in place before you do this. For example, do you have a good intermediary? Do you have a plan for visitation? What about money? Has he been making deposits into your account? If so, I would mention this in your letter. For example, you can say, "I will expect that you would continue to make deposits in my account." And attach a visitation schedule.

How can he pick up your child without interacting with you at all? I would be thinking of how you will manage child transfers without seeing or speaking to him.

These are all details you will want to work through before oyu go into Plan B. Because once you send the letter, all avenues of contact should be shut down. He will try to get through to you but it will be up to YOU to shut that door and stay dark.

okay, thank you!

I don't have anyone who lives close enough to drop off my child besides my mother, but he hasn't seemed to want to see our daughter anyway, so I don't know.

I'll give him his time to calm down as i think more on these things and try to figure everything out.

He makes deposits into my account when he gets his check, but his sister tells me i need to ask for more, and just let him suffer and deal with his problems, not to care if he doesn't have enough money. I am my daughter's only care-taker right now, and he needs to own up to that.

Can your mother do the exchanges? You will want to OFFER this up so it doesn't look like you are withholding the child. In the letter tell him you will make your DD available for visitation on Saturdays from 1 to 4 and Wednesday from 5 to 7 and he needs to pick her up. Ask that he not come in your home.


I would find out what he would have to pay in CS and spousal support in your state and ask him for that amount. Find out today what that will be so you will have that ready to show him when the time is right.

x2 His plan is to browbeat you back into submission and woo her back to his side.

Plan B is for two things:

a) For you. The A is a three legged stool. Affairs don't survive unless there is a handy BS to attack and blame constantly. They always fight with you, never with each other. This cruelty will land you in the nut house.

b) For the marriage. To let them get on with the inevitable start of the fighting phase of their relationship. To let the needs you meet start to be missed. To show you are proudly unavailable because you are worth more.

Plan B heals.

If the A crumbles beyond repair, you will be fresher and less resentful than if you;d stayed around to take the abuse.

If it never ends or he nver comits to honesty, you will be fresher to face divorce and it will hurt less.

Those are all great ideas.

I'll be doing some research on support later.

The problem with my mother doing the exchanges is she was abusive to me when I was growing up, (physically, sexually, ...), so I never let her be alone with my daughter (except during my counselling). I could possibly have WS pick DD up on the porch with my mother there as the person to hand her over, this way I don't have to see him.

That will be perfect!

I contacted him today about money in my account (since I'm not on Plan B yet). I texted. He called our daughter last night on my mother inlaw's phone.

His texts weren't hateful today, they were matter of fact- how much $, when will we be back, etc.

I said that he hurt me. I thanked him for calling our daughter, and said that it made her feel really good. I left it at that. He said nothing about that, but wasn't a jerk like the other day.

Now I will only talk to him if he talks to me, until Plan B starts.

I looked up child support in my state, and I'm getting more from him than they would make him pay.

But you might also get spousal support. GEt an amount in mind and in your Plan B letter, simply say that "I will expect that you will continue to deposit $XXX in our bank account for the support of our daughter."

There's spousal support too.

Also fifty bucks enforcable by law and which can be relied on as regular is worth more than a hundred bucks which can be given one day, but withheld the next on a wayward's whim.

I was on the radio show today, and they had awesome things to say and suggest!

I have a school tour for my child on Monday, that my H will be at, so I plan on giving him the letter then, this way I know he reads it. I am dreading seeing him- it's the first time since he told me about the A, and it will be in a school.