I may have missed it somewhere in my reading, but can anyone tell me if Dr Harley considers a husband's porn viewing tantamount to being unfaithful?

It is.

Out of curiosity. Did you manage to setup the keylogger? If so.. Which one did you go with?

Unanswered....

Eblaster on order

Did you know you can download it right away? Then all you have to do is copy it to a stik and install on his computer.

Oh well, didn't realize that. All I know is he is more distant than ever and I am extremely low. I think he'll leave if he finds out about the keylogger or will never feel the same way about me again. I am too old to start over if this doesn't work and I'm afraid to be alone.

This breaks my heart. Have you told your husband how you feel about your situation?

He knows. We discussed this when we first met again. He knows all about my heartbreak of the past. My bad first marriage, caregiving a difficult spouse etc.

You don't have a marriage TO SAVE if the only way you maintain the relationship is if you allow him to keep secrets from you. There can be no secrets in marriage. Did you write Dr Harley? I would ask Dr Harley to help you persuade him to give up the pornography and create an integrated marriage.

Yes I sent him an e-mail yesterday.

As someone who has been in a lonely marriage, it is far more lonely to sit there uncomforted, uncared for but not free to do your own things either.

If he isn't husband material you would have a far more fulfilling life on your own than tied to a visibly offensive lack of care. Think what you would be free to do without having to bear all this weight and responsilibity for the entire marraige.

Women do great on their own! Besides why are you too old to have another go? That makes no sense to me. There's no cut off age for romantic love as far as I'm aware.

Thank you Indie for that compassionate response. My mom has often told me this but I've mostly been with a partner since age 19 and went straight from home to marriage. I wasn't good at dating after husband passed away and kind of dread the thought of it now. H on the other hand will simply go back to being the ladies man if we split and will no doubt waste no time getting out there due to his extremely strong sex drive.

Oh well, I'll just have to see what happens and do my best to help him see our marriage as worth saving.

There are a lot of things you can try before you get to that point, but never fear, we will coach you. I will be your personal general for your dating campaign if you like.

Besides which, nice men don't want someone who is 'good at dating'. They want someone who is good at being a wife. You're a catch missus!



If that happens we arent going to waste any of our time caring about this.

Thanks!!!

Awesome posts, indiegirl!

I also think you have received good advice from Indie. From a man's point of view, I see two problems with your husband.

First, your husband is addicted to sex with multiple partners. He likes the excitement of new conquests. That is why he has his list and sadly, that is why you are on it. Addictions--be they drugs, alcohol, or sex--are deadly to marriage. Unless the addictions are handled, the marriage cannot be fixed. Can your husbands addiction be fixed? Yes. Is he willing to take the first step, which is acknowledging there is a problem? I don't know. But that is something you may look into trying. Dr. Harely will be able to give you good advice in this area when you contact him.

Secondly, as I shared with you earlier, your husband is a desparado. He likes to go it alone, set his own agenda. This will be an insurmountable wedge if he isn't willing to change. If he is unwilling to practice POJA (the policy of joint agreement) then you will always be unhappy.

I believe your marriage is worth fighting for, and your call to Dr. Harley could be instrumental. But if he is unwilling to change for you, then you must accept that.

You strike me as a very thoughtful and gentle person, and I am sorry to see that you have had husbands who did not put into the marriage what you are willing to give. But not all men are that way, and there are plenty of them who want to make their spouses happy and who seek mutual fulfillment and happiness. I hope your two experiences don't make you completely jaded.

thanks Just. It's too bad I didn't want to acknowledge the red flags, but I do appreciate your support and sympathy.

Don't feel bad. You came out of an abusive marriage with your self esteem shattered and this man felt like a miracle. You did not think about the red flags because you thought you knew him already. You are not the first and definitely not the last either to make that mistake.

Rather than beating yourself up, focus on making yourself happy with who you are. Once you really know that you will be just fine alone if he does not buy into the changes, you will be in a much stronger position. He will sense that and it may be just what he needs as a wake up call.

The Harleys addressed my e-mail today on their show. They said that unless H was willing to drop the porn and POJA on other things we were probably headed for divorce. Dr. Harley says the ball is in H's court.