Thinking this through based on BB's experience and responses thus far I see this potential discussion to go something like this:

-BB requests husband stop the porn. She gets brave and tells him its a deal breaker for her.
-Husband gaslights her.
-BB gets confused and fearful again. "Gee, he does have a point. I'm not complying w/his selfish demands. I deserve his disrespect. I don't want to be lonely. Who else is going to want me at my age." (sorry BB)

Perhaps the key logger, which she says she has already purchased can still be installed. Help clear up the confusion from the eminent gas-lighting.

When you confront him, keep the present tense very active. Do not be dragged into a discussion of the past.

My H was always very keen to discuss past problems/ the unresolvable during his A.

You need to be relentless about keeping things in the present and the focus on on your basic requirements for fidelity.

"That is the past. This is what I need today"

Agree. You don't need the keylogger to confront him about the problem. If he makes you too nervous, you might want to consider writing out the issues in an email. That way, you can get it all out on the table and further the discussion.

Agree. You need to be prepared for him to try to pettifog the issue. And he pulls something like "you don't wear dresses for me therefore you don't love me" tell him that you are not happy wearing dresses, do you want me to be unhappy?

Exactly ML. Someone that cares for someone doesn't make them do something they don't want to do. Fast way to aversions, anxiety, and lost love.

Thanks everyone. I'll update next week. Right now I'm just trying to calm down and out myself in the right frame of mind in case H resists or asks for separation.

BB, you should prepare to ask HIM for a separation if he won't give up the porn.

I confronted H about his porn use this am. I told him it had been a source of grief for me right from the beginning of our relationship, when he shut down all discussion telling me it wasn't my business, was harmless etc and he only did it when sex was lacking. I then told him that since he feels the sex is lacking now and for a long time he must be viewing porn more rather than less.

He admitted to using it more often over the past six months since he's been feeling I'd let him down and wasn't meeting his highest needs for SF, more varieties and had made him feel that his requests for certain acts were dirty. He repeatedly told me that I had ignored him and was only thinking of myself.

I told him that I felt porn was the other woman in our relationship an that it was an IB that made me feel that he was making comparisons, whether he realized it or not.

The discussion did not go well and as I suspected he repeatedly told me that I was puritanical and didn't know what I was missing. Rather than get into a heated argument with AOs I requested that he end the porn use in order for me to feel safe in the marriage. If he did that, we could POJA some of his SF needs but that I had to know that porn was no longer an influencing factor.

He went quiet, which is a bad sign and has spent the rest of the day in the basement.

I'm sorry to say that this tells me that his porn use is more important to him than you are.

I hope he' just taking time to think about what I said. His first reaction would be to feel hugely criticized, but am praying he softens and begins to consider my needs.

Bluebird,
I am very encouraged that you were able to hold your ground on this very important issue. You did very, very well and did not let your husband take control of the issue and manipulate it towards his self-centered objective. Great job! Let him stew on your request.

I recommend that you write him a love letter, one that professes your love for him and that captures the beautiful things that you did when first married and share with him how that bliss can easily return to your marriage. I would also introduce to him a plan that you have to help get them there: a promise to spend time together each week (20 hours is the goal, though I would not state 20 hours in the text as that is too technical for a love letter) doing things that will make you happy together, a relationship that is open and that offers BOTH of you gratification through mutual agreement and problem-solving, and one that is based on complete honesty and transparency. In that letter I would let him know in order for the marriage to work, he has to put away pornography and you have to reach enthusiastic agreement on what will work for both of you in regards to SF. Remind him that you and him had a great sex life before, and can have it again if you learn to meet each others needs. Hand write the letter and wear a pretty dress*** when doing so.

If he responds openly, then start introducing him to the program. I would even suggest you do counseling with Steve Harley. He is very effective and might help your husband to shift his views. And Steve will be able to counsel him on the areas of sex that have become such a big problem.

If your husband refuses to budge, then Dr. Harley's assessment of your marriage leading to divorce may be the outcome. As I said earlier, your husband has an addiction to sex with multiple partners, and he treats you like an object. That must end for any progress to be made. These are non-negotiable, and you are not making a selfish demand by making this a condition of recovery of marriage.

But do keep fighting. Even if you are sure he will refuse to do the things listed above, at least in your heart you know that you have done your very best to recover your marriage.

***P.S. I don't understand why some here object to your husband's fancy that you wear a dress unless the dress is all a part of his erotic sexual power play or sexual objectification. Still, if that is something that makes you appealing to him, than why wouldn't you do it for him once in awhile? I'm not suggesting that you go June Cleaver on him, vacuuming the house in a dress and pearls. But give a dog a bone once in a while. My wife loves to see me in a tie and formally attired. So I am happy to dress up for her.

Conversely, I used to have these really old and overly worn sandals that my wife hated seeing me in. I wore them anyway, and it was a love buster. She threw them away. Truthfully, I should have thrown them away myself and got a nicer pair since she did not like seeing me in them.

I would address this. Rather than seeking a sex life that makes you BOTH happy, he is seeking his OWN desires. In order to have a satisfying, happy sex life, you should be seeking ONLY things that make you BOTH happy. He is only considering himself and as such, is setting you up to have a sexual aversion. Then you won't want to EVER have sex with him and will grow to cringe when he touches you. Does he want that?

It would be a mistake to EVER agree to a sex act that is repulsive to you in any way. It should be something that is appealing to you. He seeks win/lose and the correct way is to seek win/win.

Yup. Dr. Harley's latest, He wins/She wins keeps coming to mind as read Blue's posts. There are really good worksheets that help couples break down the "negotiating" into manageable and doable pieces. However, Blue's husband must deal with his addiction problem. That is why I think meeting with Steve can be helpful. I don't think Blue can convince her husband that there is an addiction. And he bullies her into making it seem that the problem is her.

Agree with Just3 that you did a great job!!!

And I also agree with the comment above. One of the most EXCITING parts of our dates is to wear something the other person desires. [as long as we are happy doing so!!] I don't like dresses either, but I do love to wear low cut blouses on our dates and he loves that. My husband also wears shirts that I find attractive on our dates. Our goal is to be as attractive as possible for the other person. As long as we are not unhappy doing it!


This is a perfect idea. Dr Harley suggests writing a "Plan A" letter, so to speak, that outlines your desires.

She has planted the seed. It will be interesting to see if he steps up to the plate. I like your idea of sending him a Plan A letter and then following through with the instructions outlined in When to Call it Quits. It might take a separation to get through to him. When to Call It Quits - Part 1

I agree on wearing the dresses. That was a big lovebuster on my part. All I saw in the mirror was not my younger self - but an aging body. I felt self-conscious and couldn't even accept H's obvious pleasure at seeing me this way. I think this was a mistake and now H feels it is a huge part of my ignoring him. I am sorry about it, but hindsight is not going to fix things right now. Once a week probably would have been enough for him but I couldn't manage that as I was selfishly thinking about my own discomfort.

I'm going to give him a few days to reflect, as I'm now reflecting on my part in this.

No, it is not selfish. I don't think you understand. The goal is to find MUTUALLY ENTHUSIASTIC SOLUTIONS. You are not enthusiastic about wearing dresses so it should not be done. I feel awkward and unattractive in dresses so it makes no sense to dress in a way that would make you feel awkward and unattractive. You won't want to be with him if you feel awkward and unattractive.

That would be SACRIFICE and would harm your marriage. NO SACRIFICE!!

I'm in a panic this afternoon thinking about potentially having to separate. I don't think H would be faithful if apart due to his history and I can't get my head around this and the image it's creating in my mind.

The lovebuster was his SELFISH demand that you wear dresses when he knows you feel discomfort doing it.

It is good to dress up for your husband in a way that makes him happy - but it must make *YOU* happy too. Mutual, mutual, mutual. This win/lose strategy has to be driven from your thinking.

Melody thanks for that but it does seem like not a lot for H to ask. It's strange too as all I wanted in my first marriage is for my H to notice me and he could not have cared less - perhaps may have been closted gay as has been suggested to me by relatives, friends and an IC.

I guess it's been like going from one extreme relationship to another without a true middle ground and hard for me to adjust.