First time posting here. Background:

My H and I have been married almost 5 years. We have three very young children. 3 weeks ago my husband told me out of the blue that he thought he wanted a divorce, sighting that we had no connection and he felt like I didn't like him anymore. (This goes into our lack of meeting emotional needs and I know that.) I assured him that I both loved and liked him very much and that our marriage was going through a stressful time, he will a new job that was causing a long commute, an unexpected pregnancy and several other stressful factors. I felt (and still feel) confident that we can work it out and he insisted that it was beyond repair. His complete refusal to try to repair our marriage is what got me suspicious of an affair. I asked him several times over the next week and he maintained that there was no one else. Of course, there was. It took me about 2 weeks to get enough evidence and courage to confront him. He was confronted on Sunday and the conversation went as I expected. He said that he is unwilling to end his affair (of only 6 weeks length!!!) and recommit to our marriage and begin the necessary work to repair us. He is DEEP into his affair fog and addiction. I made it clear that I would not be able to remain married to him because of his choice.

I am not ready to give up on our marriage but I am unsure how to proceed from here. After looking through the site, I see that I am doing a lot of things "right" as far as improving upon myself as a person and wife in spite of his certainty that we are over. I think I am sort of inadvertently doing PLAN A right now although I could probably step it up a notch and really commit to plan A now that I know it has a name. However, I am scared about disclosure. I know that his father would be devastated and very angry to find this news out, as well as his other family members and our friends. I am just too nervous that exposing him drives him closer to OW. (She is his employee and their relationship is in direct violation of his companies policies. He has told me that she intends to QUIT so that they can continue their relationship without threat of termination.) I am too afraid to expose to his employer because losing his job (while I know is what NEEDS to happen for us to move forward) will devastate him and will hurt us financially, as I am a stay at home mom. I guess I am looking for encouragement and guidance to move forward. I am scared that waiting much longer for their affair to flourish will cause him to leave us completely. He has already spoke of moving out and moving closer to work (and her) which moves him to another state than what we currently live.

I am happy to give further background if needed and I know I am probably leaving out important details.
Thank you very much for your advice!!

Dr. Harley would encourage you to expose the affair far and wide.
Please read this thread about HOW to expose and plan carefully:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

Not exposing the affair will only enable it to last longer.
You can recover from a last job; but your marriage cannot survive an ongoing affair.

Thank you both for the encouragement.

Obviously, I am trying to keep the peace and make him realize how great I am so that he doesn't leave me. But logically, I can see and understand that he is already thinking about leaving me. What else do I have to lose?

In regards to Plan A...I am not sure if I am doing it right. I have read the links that talk about it, but it feels very foreign and of course I don't get any feedback from him really so I am never sure if I am doing everything right.

MHS-
So sorry you found yourself in this situation. What you are going through is the worse thing anyone could do to their spouse.

It hurts beyond belief.

If you want to recover your M, Dr. Harley is the leading expert on marital recovery after an A. This program saved my M. Without it, I would be divorced. I am happy to say that this program has reformed our vision of M and has put us on the right track.

Do you have Surviving an A? I encourage you to pick up a copy today and read it cover to cover. Their is an electronic version which you can download today. It can be your guide.

There is no easy road for you right now. R is hard. Separating is hard.

Divorce is a natural consequence of an A. However, if you follow this plan, you will give yourself a Chance.

To some, exposure is one of the most difficult steps to take. You do indeed run the risk of him fleeing. However, it is a critical first step.

So sorry for you... I know exactly what you are experiencing right now.

Also, I encourage you to listen to MB radio. There is a smartphone app that you can download.

Dr. Harley commonly addresses topics exactly what you are facing.

I try to listen nearly every day. Big help to me.

I just bought the book. I feel like reading it is getting a head of myself because HE doesn't want us to survive at this point.

Great! Glad you got it. It will be SO eye opening to you.

One of the first things you are going to have to wrap your head around is that YOU CANNOT control him or his choices. Right now, all you can do is control yourself.

This book is 100% for you right now. It will give you steps to take that are independent of his decisions. Eventually, he would have to join you in the program if R is going to happen. Don't expect ANYTHING from him right now except Fog talk.

An A is like an addiction. First step is removing the source - His skank Ho. Exposure is your best weapon! If and wen the source is removed, he will eventually come out of the fog and then and only then will you have a chance at R.

What are his complaints about you?

MHS:

I am sorry for your reasons for being here. We here all know how very shocking and painful discovery of an affair is. However, you have landed in EXACTLY the right place to get the help you need.

If you haven't already done so, read the "Start here first" thread at the beginning of this "Surviving an Affair" column.

I understand that you are fearful of doing the exposure. However, if you do not take the steps to KILL the AFFAIR DEAD right now, you may not have any marriage to reconcile.

In fact, if you don't do a complete exposure, you will be ENABLING the affair. It is your husband's CHOICE to have an affair that will hurt his father, not your exposing it. It is your husband's CHOICE to have an affair that is jeopardizing his job, not your exposing it.

I am so thankful for these quick supportive responses! Thank you so much.

Two things :
1. Do I HAVE to tell the employer? Or can I just expose to famiy and friends.
2. Our sex life was/is his biggest complaint about me... I am working me best on Plan A...am I "supposed" to be having sex with him now? That seems like he is going to get to have his cake and eat it too, no??

How do you think his father, family, and friends will feel when they find out that you kept everyone in the dark about the "real" reason for the trouble in your marriage? I think they will be shocked that you did not come to them for support.

Exposure is your most powerful weapon in killing the fog.

You don't HAVE to tell the employer. But then, the affair will continue. It will become more entrenched than ever. And you will be an enabler.

The only reason NOT to expose any affair to the wayward spouse's employer is if the affair did not take place at work or with a co-worker. But in your case, exposure to the employer is one of the primary targets. Not just to kill the affair (which is the only way you are going to have a hope of recovery of your marriage), but to shine a light on your husband's affair behaviours for the future.

Or you could get an STD. Affair partners rarely use protection. You have no idea what skank has...

Plan A isn't so much about meeting his needs as it is about displaying a willingness to meet needs and work together to create a mutually fulfilling marriage if he ends his A. Love Busters, however should be avoided with the exception of exposure.

Avoiding love busters such as Angry Outbursts will be your biggest challenges in the near future. Focus on that. It's hard to do, but will be very temporary if he chooses not to end the affair.

Exposure to the employer is probably your biggest Stick to end this thing. Dr. Harley encourages FULL exposure. So, as hard as it is going to be, Yes.

Dr. Harley has encouraged BW's to do a HARD plan A for no more than 3 weeks. The Carrot and the Stick.

Carrot: Promise to Meet as many needs as possible and make changes in you to address his complaints. Show him how your M can be amazing.

Stick: Break up the A and make it clear how you feel about it.

This means No love busters (do you know what those are yet?) and Promise to meet as Many Emotional Needs as possible (have you read up on them yet?). Sexual Fulfillment is typically #1 or #2 on the list for most men.

After 3 weeks, he encourages BW's to go into Plan B. Can you do this?

MHS, while keeping the peace might seem the right thing to do, it actually works against you because affairs thrive on secrecy, so when you keep it a secret, you enable the affair. When you expose it, the fantasy crumbles. Exposure won't cause him to leave you, though. If he leaves it will be because of the affair.

The solution is to do everything to kill the affair. That will give you the greatest chance to save your marriage. Exposure is your most powerful weapon in killing the affair.

Have you read my exposure thread yet?

NEVER shield a wayward from facing the consequences of their actions. All that does is enable and embolden them. It backfires EVERY time.

As Dr Harley says: Reality helps. When a WS sees the ?? reactions of those around them (friends, family, employer), it helps to defog and take away from the fantasy.

You want a WS to be angry over exposure. That means it's WORKING. Don't be afraid....

Wondering if anyone can give me a better picture of what Plan A looks like? WH knows that I know about affair and has not agreed to end the affair, and still says he's considering divorce/separation. I am working on my exposure plan. In the meantime, I'd like some clarity on PLAN A... I feel like I am doing it wrong.

Thank you.

Your threads have been merged. Please stick to one thread. Thank you.

Plan A means to a) kill the affair using every means possible and to b) offer to meet the wayward spouses needs in the future if he will end his affair. It means avoiding all lovebusters, ie: no angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, etc. Have you read Surviving an Affair?

And more importantly, have you exposed the affair? That is your most important step in saving your marriage.

Additionally, Plan A is only supposed to last 3 to 4 weeks for women and if he will not end his affair and commit to the marriage, then separation is recommended. [Plan B]