Please calm down. You have no control over his actions. If he would rather separate and have an affair than make you happy in your marriage, then you are better off divorced. Do you see that?

All you are doing is asking him to stop doing something that makes you miserable and start considering your feelings. That is a reasonable expectation in marriage. So far he has failed miserably in that department.

It is too much to ask if it makes you uncomfortable because it is bad for your marriage. Does your husband WANT you to feel awkward and unattractive? If so, that only means he doesn't care about your feelings.

Have you started working on the letter justthe3ofus recommended?

You have not gone from one extreme to the other. They both demonstrated that they don't care about your feelings, but in different way.

I need some time to think about what I would say. I've tired similar letters in the past to him over this issue and he's always come back with a cold and aloof response. This was the time he wrote back to me that he loved me, but would rather "go it alone than settle."

Now in his view even more time has gone by without me demonstrating (in his view) substantive change. I fear a really bad written response from him.

Are you willing to stay in the marriage regardless of how he treats you? Is your goal to have a marriage at any cost where you are forced to sacrifice your happiness?

Here's your show Bluebird with your question.
Radio Clip of Bluebird's Show/question

I don't have kids, no family close by, not a lot of friends at this point in life. I'm not good at getting out there - so my fear is living and dying alone.
And I see that scenario as a real possibility as I age.

thanks for the show clip BH.

I am very worried about your ability to put aside your emotions and look at this logically and strategically. Your FEAR of aging alone is greatly hindering your ability to take necessary steps.

I think you are headed to divorce because your marriage is unbearable now. It will get worse as his selfish, uncaring demands increase. Getting old with a spouse who does not care about you is a ticket to hell. What will happen to you if you get sick? Develop dementia? Become bedridden with a stroke? I shudder to think.

If he doesn't change his entire approach to being a husband, you would be better off divorced because you would be free to pursue a relationship with someone who would show you loving care in your senior years. That would be preferable to living with a man who does not care for you.

You have a slim hope that separation would motivate him to change. That is sometimes the greatest motivator. But that will not happen unless you let him know what it will take to make you happy and keep you in this marriage.

Did you read the article I posted above called When to Call it Quits? That lady transformed her marriage via separation.

Ill reread the article Melody.

I read the article, but all I can think of is how H walked out on his two previous marriages and was able to move on to dating others rather quickly -- the 25 previous sex partners comes to mind.

You are right that he perhaps lacks the compassion necessary for the "in sickness and health" part of marriage. He hasn't been that nurturing in the past when I've been ill with the flu. I know a lot of men are bad at this, but given H's history it is a concern.

I'm waiting to see what he says to me after he's had time to think about our conversation.

Those other marriages likely ended the same way, with him making selfish demands that didn't take their feelings into consideration. You can show him that there is a better way by writing him a letter giving him this plan, ie: giving up porn and creating a marriage that takes both sides into account. You can give him that opportunity.

If he won't do that, then you are better off without him. If he doesn't change, you have no hope of a happy future. You would have great hopes of happiness without him.

I believe the porn has turned him into a very uncaring man who views women as nothing more valuable than a sex partner. His relationships are no more meaningful than 2 jackrabbits in heat going at each other. That is not a marriage. That is a porn movie.

Bluebird,
As ML is saying, walking out can create the change in a man that is needed. Some of us are dumb as a rock in the marriage area and need that wake up call. Many a man has been spurred to deep change because of a wife who walked away.

If your husband would rather move on and continue to live his independent lifestyle than you would be better off anyway. So far, as a husband, he has been a leach sucking out of you all of your life force. He has not been marriage material and needs serious reform.

I don't believe you will be doomed to a life alone if this doesn't work out. But as Mel pointed out, if you let things stand as they are, you will be putting yourself in potentially grave danger. As I said to you before, there are many good men out there who aren't like your first two husbands.

I thought it was so much better than my first marriage, because current H never yelled, threw things, or tried to harm me physically. He actually loved me in his way -- he had pictures of us in the bedroom (former H never did). I thought those things were signs of love.

I still can't fathom how everything slid downhill the way it did. Well I can, because you guys have explained it to me, but it's still not computing.

You know why he went to the basement after your discussion. It wasn't to give your requests serious thought! You knew he was going to 'withdraw' before you even spoke up because that's his pattern.


He knows you've been willing to settle. He is camped out at the very minimum he can do for you. He is dedicated to living DOWN to your standards. He knows all he has to do is go a bit cold, get a bit withdrawn, threaten separation and you'll leave his precious porn addiction alone. Maybe even pop on a dress. Who cares how it makes you feel? His porn ho's don't have feelings so why should you?

If you continue to allow this attitude you will have a miserable marriage and a miserable old age where every feeling, request, need will see him coldly withdraw and compare you to a porn actress.

Your marriage is headed for death and it will be a slow agonising death of a thousand cuts. Judging by his manipulation skills I would also guess his other marriages died a slow agonising death. The wives probably didn't cut him off while the marriage was somewhat healthy, shutting him out of a marriage he would miss. They probably nagged, whined and fell into a depression enabling him to feel like he had escaped hell, instead of being shut out of paradise.

Letting him run this show will be a disaster. Look what he did to his other marriages!

An absence of abuse isn't love! While the pictures are nice it's a bit 'easy' as gestures go. He's all for SAYING he loves you and for making easy gestures but he won't go so far as actually caring for you in a meaningful way.

Withdrawing from you to punish you whenever you need something is downright cruel. He is sending you the message that you're worthless. That you have to settle for his cruelty.

Well you don't. You are caring and loving, intelligent and sensual. You are good company for yourself and excellent company for a man who treats you lovingly. You could go into the street, throw a rock and hit a guy who is better for you than this man is currently. You don't have to stand for this and you won't.

Thanks Indie -- you're a kind person, as are all the folks who have lent advice and support. It really helps!

You know, if you are putting all your energies into your own fears and allowing your husband to escalate your fears (his accusations are his own projections)you DON'T have time for healthy thoughts and feelings about yourself and other possibilities for your life. Your husband projected a fantasy onto you that started out appearing perfect, but now its turned to what it really is, a very warped image of you and women. That's the overlay of porn on your marriage and you.

Try to stay centered. Tell yourself the truth. Be truthful to yourself. Radical honesty. Its not about aging and being alone when you die. Its about hiding from yourself. Perhaps if you have stopped going to church due to your husbands accusations over being 'puritanical' ---go back to your faith. Center yourself. Open yourself to a world of possibilities for yourself and your future with or without your husband. This notion can seem like a jumping over a cliff--its called faith in action--into an unknown. The truth is you don't know where this step will take you. But following your trust is the whole point. I'm not talking about IBing your husband.

If you can stay on top of who you are it will be that much easier to reach out to safe others --just as you are doing so here--and develop true intimate relationships.

If your husband wants a mutually fulfilling relationship going forward he will join you in this area of honesty with his self and you. He won't want to distort who you are to him. But if your husband wants you to see yourself with distortions and asks you to be dishonest with yourself. This will simply lead to more disconnect and distance.

It sounds like the times you attempted to be honest and state your concerns and needs, he explained why its your own fault he can't help you and off he went ---his great 'good reason' he has to use porn. You might just as well be locked in a dungeon by a tyrant. Not the best place to spend your precious 'woman of a certain age' years.

We are all here attempting to be your wings. We want both you and your husband to be happy and to have the most romantic and intimate marriage. I'm glad you are here and learning what it takes. Many of us have come here and learned the recipe. We have found we were minus several key ingredients or even came to realize the recipe being followed was on a disastrous or tragic path. You can learn here just how important ALL the ingredients that help a marriage work are. You can help your husband if he wants to make the marriage work. But so far he is plainly showing all of us he has been following a recipe for disaster.

Thank you grace. I really fear for him even more than I fear for myself. But as you wrote so beautifully above, it's time to stop focusing on my fears and walk in faith.

But more than that, its time to take action. I like nice flowery words, but they won't resolve the problem. The way to do that is to address the situation head on.

What is the latest?

I share ML's misgivings. Usually when someone here thanks us for all our help and talks about feelings, but not actions it means no action is going to be taken.

I really hope I am wrong. I feel BB is braver than she knows but she won't know until she DOES something.