I heard their review and comments, too. I'm so glad you emailed them for their insight.

What did you think?

I think they were right on in their comments about the porn and POJA. They didn't talk about his other IBs, but concentrated on the porn, probably because porn in itself is the one of the worst IBs.

The problem I'm having, and I did this in my first marriage, is that in times like this I flip back to all the good times - when we first reconnected, and when my H cried talking about the past when we broke up as kids and had tears in his eyes when we had our first date or listened to "our song" from back then. It's almost like I've been living with two different H's. He took a lot of pains to do romantic things for me at first - planning getaways, trips etc. But once he felt I was not appreciative of him because I was not giving him the sex he wanted from me, all of that went away.

It's still hard for me not to blame myself.

He told me that it took him ten years to get over our original breakup because he had wanted to marry me back then so very badly. I remember the time and still have the heartfelt/heartbreaking letter he wrote me. Sometimes I wonder if the issue of the original breakup still plagues our relationship today, but that is another discussion and best left to a therapist I suppose.

The problem with your current marriage is not the old break up, I can assure you. It's your H's independent behavior, and specifically, his use of porn and his disparaging comments to you regarding sex.

He has very little interest in being a caring husband, the way things are now. He would need to end his use of porn and then be willing to always use the POJA and PORH for the rest of your lives together. There is so much more to a marriage than just existing together.

That makes no sense at all!

Apparently marrying you was his lifelong dream. You made it come true. Is he at home revelling in the marriage and thanking you? No - but he's got a ton of excuses why not.

Good heavens, you wouldn't seriously raise an old break up with a therapist would you? Tell him to man up and get over it and cast his eye around the present day.

Did you know Joyce broke Dr H's heart when they were young? He talks about it in all his books and sometimes they discuss it on the radio.

He says it was a hard time for him but he sees the benefit in her doing it. It meant she could compare him in dates with others. He was also motivated to up his game and move up from being a freeloader to being a renter. She inspired his entire programme! He often tells singles to break up because of this. He says if they love each other they'll get back together.

I know he sent you a sappy letter, but did he ever actually DO anything to win back?

It sounds like he wanted to be loved with very little effort on his part just for his own self. Words, even written ones, are very cheap



That's the hallmark of a freeloader. All their efforts are concentrated in the beginning because that's the easiest method. Then they hope to live off the interest for life.

It's hard not to look back to all the extravagant promises and how wonderful they made you feel. You know, the ones that never materialised?

But I'd much rather have someone who walked the walk than just talk the talk.

He said "you are headed towards a sexual aversion."

"pornography is very sadistic."

"it is not a loving, caring experience. It is not anything anyone would want as part of their married life."

"I think they are headed for divorce." "He has to get the pornography out of there."

If he does truly care about you, he will eliminate the porn and start making your sex life enjoyable for you. He won't want to cause you to suffer.

You can't change the past so I don't see the point in bringing up a long dead breakup. It has nothing to do with present problems. Bringing the unpleasantness of the past into the present is a distraction from present problems.

Had a long talk with H last night. The end result of it all is that he still feels I don't care and haven't tried to make him happy. He says I ignored his repeated requests for me to wear dresses at home (not every day but occasionally), and that I always gave the impression to him that I felt certain acts were dirty or perverse. He says that even though I love him and he loves me what I have given him is not enough.

I didn't even mention porn to him as have not yet got the keylogger installed.

I have to admit that I did ignore the dress thing. I wore them a few times but always felt uncomfortable as I'm no longer a size 8. H did love me in a dress but I couldn't get into being in one. SO that part at least, is my fault as I suppose it wasn't too much for him to ask.

He is still pretty shut down. When I mention to him about his other IBs, he wouldn't give in because he says apart from the walking for two hours in the am, he was always in the house.

So I really feel helpless to make my point to him.

And he did again mention that he was crazy in love with me in hs, but that I wouldn't sleep with him and instead lost my virginity to someone else and got married. It's still a big issue.

So, your husband is making a big issue over you not sleeping with him around 40-50 years ago, when you were a teenager?

I think it is still worth speaking with his ex-wives and get on that keylogger ASAP. I can't help but wonder if you have married a misogynist here.

Which he was aware of when he married you. His decision on that day would be to either let it go or use it to plague you. I guess he went for the second option.

Why did he do nothing at the time of the break up to win you and become the better option? Why didn't he marry a woman who did give up her virginity to him if that's his requirement? It's a fine requirement to have but he did not seem too dedicated to having it!

If your virginity was so vastly important to him, then why did he marry you? It's a useful stick to him, that's why.

It's positively ludicrous to use a thing you can't change to control you.



If you don't like dresses you don't have to. Indeed shouldn't. You gave it a shot showing you were willing to try. This means you made it clear you were open to suggestions. The negotiation was still open and he could have tried other PA requests for things that might have worked better. You don't have to comply with anything unless it works for you too.

This stuff is all a really obvious distraction from the real issue. He needs to join you in being married! You need to be a broken record and repeat that you intend to meet all his needs - but that he needs to give up his IB. Meet what needs you can in the meantime and snoop.

He says he doesn't trust me anymore because I promised change in the past and didn't deliver and this is third time he's had to confront me on this issue. I think he is done.

I don't. People who are done, leave. They don't talk so much. They don't try and get their way with so much justification and excuses.

If he's done NOW due to something that happened years and years ago, do you think that is entirely honest?

Dpn't you think it's more likely he is done (or claiming to be done) because you have started to insist on a real marriage?

You're headed for divorce anyway because he isn't a good husband and contrast effect makes him impossible to please. The fact he threatens he "is done" when he has tanked the marriage any way is no threat at all.

You seem to be overwhelmed by his accusations that are merely distractions away from the elephant in your NOW marriage---his porn. Take heed, he is gas lighting you. I can only assume all the so-called caring and romantic fluff in the beginning of your short marriage and then the crazy-making punishing shifts are calculated. This is stealth abuse. You can only change yourself. You can't passively 'survive' this marriage as you did in the past. Stop allowing yourself to be compared to a fantasy. If your husband can't stop porn and POJA there is no way to have a marriage.

Don't you see? Your husband does not even see 'you'---as you are today. He wants you to be that teenaged virgin girl. Apparently a fantasy he's harbored for years. I'm sure you began this marriage 'seeing' him for where he is at today minus the porn and I'm sure you were all in to be compatible w/one another as you are now.

Sure you could put on a dress and walk about feeling uncomfortable. You could engage in on-demand-sex-acts of his choosing at your disfavor so HE can have his fantasy life.

Do you know how Dr Harley describes marriage: a relationship of extraordinary care.

Your husband charmed you into this marriage. Now you know he lives in a warped fantasy world that degrades women. Compliance towards his fancies is just going to up the ante. Likely you did not que up in the beginning of this renewed relationship but now he is escalating.

You need to know how far he is into porn. This might at least give you a reality check so you can proceed from a point of correct reference and not buy into his guilt trips and manipulations. How low do you want to go? What is your bottom?

I would have an honest discussion with him about the porn and let him know that unless some serious changes are made, that yes, this is done. You need to get everything out on the table.

Your husband is throwing things at you to keep you off balance.

Don't put this off anymore. Tell him the porn has to go. The practice of win/lose, ie: sacrifice is destroying your marriage and has to stop.

Explain to him that you are not going to wear dresses because it makes you unhappy. If the marriage is to work, you need to find win/win solutions.

This is very insightful.

The fact he wasn't good enough for you at the time - and did not up his game to change it has never registered to him. The fact you had every right to marry whoever appealed most to you isn't even dwelled upon in a selfish agenda.

All that matters is that he never got his hands on the pretty little lollipop and you don't try hard enough to look like said lollipop did years ago. Consider the lollipop's feelings? Dont be so silly.

Does anyone have the link to the thread for gaslighting?

BB, your marriage can be saved, but that can never happen unless you start being forthright with your husband and STOP allowing him to gaslight and distract you with nonsense. You are an intelligent grown woman who has the ability to address a problem head on. You have received great advice from Dr Harley. Now you just need to use it.

This may be headed to divorce. But it is surely headed to divorce if you don't confront the problem head on. Sweeping it under the rug will achieve nothing.

Installing the keylogger on the weekend

I would not wait to have that discussion with him. You may not need to install the keylogger if he won't even agree to stop it in the first place.

I've decided to confront him about the porn on the weekend, with or without keylogger.