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That was you? That was great advice you got!! What did you think of going to school to be a nurse? I am so glad you contacted the Harleys. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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on monday, I'm going to a school to see what other jobs with the same amount of training are in that salary range, something that might be more suited for me.
They did give awesome advice, and I'm working on everything they said : )
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Since I'm still in Plan A (until the end of the week?), he contacted me today. He called to talk about financial matters, and we discussed it, businesslike. No outbursts or anything on either end. He ended it saying he has to call someone (who I assumed was OW. I was wrong).
I informed some people of this conversation (people who are on the side of marriage). One said that he and her are done, that he is saying it's too little too late with me, that he doesn't think he will see my changes now or ever. That person was his mother, and told me to become independent, do what I have to do, it's what he wants.
He called again later saying that his family told him I texted the other gal. I said that we will talk about it in counselling, but he said he's not going, and for some reason I gave in. I told him one thing that was in my first text, and ONE thing that she said. I said I am not telling anything else unless he goes to counselling. He said he won't go, and I said okay, and that it's for my own heart's protection. Bye. Bye. End of conversation. No love busters.
I told his mother that I do not want him back right now, that if he decides he wants to reconcile, it will be slow. I do not want him to ever live in this house again.
Does this seem hopeful at all? I know I will still have to go into Plan B, but I also know you guys said to wait until I can do A for a bit longer, so he can remember not only the bad things about me (and we are forced to see each other Monday, for our daughter's school meeting). (I am preparing for B, though, I have most of his items packed)
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I would get ready to go into Plan B on Monday. Get your letter ready, prepare to shut off all avenues of contact for him and get an intermediary lined up. The IM needs to be someone who is not his family member and who will agree to a) act as a spam filter and not pass anything other than crucial information about child visitation and finances and b) who will agree to present a neutral front. I would also read through this thread to get a thorough understanding of Plan B: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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so pretty much whenever HE actually SAYS that the A is over, Plan B ends? I understand how to do it, but now how to end Plan B.
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so pretty much whenever HE actually SAYS that the A is over, Plan B ends? I understand how to do it, but now how to end Plan B. When he meets your conditions in your Plan B letter is when Plan B ends. What conditions have you given him? Will he write a NC letter? Change all his contact information?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I don't know what good conditions are to give.
I like the idea of the NC letter. Because of his job, changing his contact information might not be possible, but blocking her number would be a good option.
one of my conditions is (even right now)- if we're talking about ANYTHING relationship aspect, it will be in counselling. (I go to counselling), because I have to protect myself, too. Actually, for me, this is the most important one.
What are some conditions that have worked with people before?
Last edited by lonelygal84; 03/29/14 05:24 PM.
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I don't know what good conditions are to give.
I like the idea of the NC letter. Because of his job, changing his contact information might not be possible, but blocking her number would be a good option.
What are some conditions that have worked with people before? Did you read the link MelodyLane posted to you? How to Plan B Correctly
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Remind me again, do they work together?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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ah okay.
No, they do not work together.
He has already done a few of those on his own, and I think they're all awesome.
But, what if he still wants no relationship with me, so he won't do a lot of those?
And also- Dr. Harley had suggested that we do NOT live together right now, but that even when/if he is ready to reconcile, we do it sort of from afar, because I have to work on becoming more independent and also have to get out of this abusive house. One of H's biggest issues with me was my dependence on him.
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The most important EPs are, that whatever conditions that allowed for him to carry on his affair must be changed.
How did he carry on his affair?
Email, text, phone, hotel, her place?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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text, and her place. they spent a lot of time in the car, too, emotional time.
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text, and her place. they spent a lot of time in the car, too, emotional time. Text from his work phone? Also, I would have a GPS put on his vehicle so you know where he's always at. If he isn't serious about any of your conditions then he's not serious about recovery. Can you list here what conditions you will be giving him for feedback from the board?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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i also have no friends or family who are willing to be an IM. Nobody agrees with that, and it makes it really hard.
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i also have no friends or family who are willing to be an IM. Nobody agrees with that, and it makes it really hard. You have no friends who would be willing to be an intermediary? What about a sister or a brother?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't know what good conditions are to give.
I like the idea of the NC letter. Because of his job, changing his contact information might not be possible, but blocking her number would be a good option.
one of my conditions is (even right now)- if we're talking about ANYTHING relationship aspect, it will be in counselling. (I go to counselling), because I have to protect myself, too. Actually, for me, this is the most important one.
What are some conditions that have worked with people before? The only "conditions" you will put in the Plan B letter are: end all contact with the OW and commit to rebuilding our marriage. You don't get detailed until he agrees to those conditions. And at that point, your IM will send him that information. If you can find an IM, you can give her my email address and I will help her. It is the easiest job in the world if done right.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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i also have no friends or family who are willing to be an IM. Nobody agrees with that, and it makes it really hard. What exactly do they not agree with?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Friends don't agree with this method. I've tried a LOT of people, they thought it was a good idea until it came to having a person be the go-between. : (
The only sibling I have is an abusive one who hasn't said a word to me for 15 years.
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