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Plan A time is over. You have been in Plan A for months. If he doesn't get that by now, he will never get it. The purpose of Plan B is to give you what YOU want, which is removal from his affair<s> and his non commitment. A continuation of Plan A makes you look MORE unattractive to him while his rejection wears you down even more. More Plan A will hurt, not help. But, if we're separated, there would be no lies. He would be being honest w/ another girl if he were to start another relationship. It would be easy for him. Starting another affair is another good reason to be in Plan B. But I doubt he will start another affair. He will just continue with the same one.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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the goal of Plan A is to tell your wayward spouse that you will be willing to make changes in the FUTURE if he commits to the marriage. You have already done this. You have shown him for months that you will stop lovebusters and meet his needs. There is no more reason for Plan A.
One of the main reasons Dr Harley advocates a very short Plan A for women is because it does not make look very attractive. It comes across as chasing your WS, which is unattractive. You SAW his reaction when he told you this was not an option last week.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I understand, but at the same time he was still having an A as i was plan-a-ing. Now that it's over, as I work on myself FROM A DISTANCE, can't I plan-A when I do see him? (working on all of the things that the Harley's suggested)- not chasing him :-/
I just want to do it for 2 weeks since I'm back in town.
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here's one of my reasons..
i didn't have a driver's license, and that has affected him greatly, b/c I couldn't be independent. It really bothered him.
I had to go to his home state in order to get it (b/c I had id there, and it was way cheaper). I finally got my permit, and now I can practice driving so I can take my test.
I want to continue Plan A as I do this so that he can see the changes, so that he can see that I really am making them, not just talking about them. My Plan A didn't completely work before because I wasn't quite doing it. I was going to counselling, and working on the emotional stuff, but not the physical things like this- things that really affected our marriage. It was just talk of "I am going to", but he saw no progress.
Last edited by lonelygal84; 03/30/14 05:09 PM.
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That is a terrible idea and I will explain why. It was just talk of "I am going to", but he saw no progress. That was because he was not looking for progress, but for more reasons to blame you for his affair. Here is your Plan A: tell him you will be willing to meet his needs and avoid lovebusters in the FUTURE if he a) ends his affair and b) commits to the marriage. That is ALL Plan A is supposed to be. There is no such thing as a perfect Plan A. With women, Plan A needs to be very short lived because it can actually have the effect of making them unattractive. Until he does that, you should not have contact with him. Hanging around, being available at this point just makes you much less attractive which makes it much less likely he will EVER come around.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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i didn't have a driver's license, and that has affected him greatly, b/c I couldn't be independent. It really bothered him. Surely you understand WHY it bothered him? It was because it made it more difficult to dump you. He didn't want you to be dependent on him because he doesn't want you hanging around.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"Here is your Plan A: tell him you will be willing to meet his needs and avoid lovebusters in the FUTURE if he a) ends his affair and b) commits to the marriage. "
(I don't know how to do those quote boxes)
I didn't do this until 4 days ago, but I was away.
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"Here is your Plan A: tell him you will be willing to meet his needs and avoid lovebusters in the FUTURE if he a) ends his affair and b) commits to the marriage. "
(I don't know how to do those quote boxes)
I didn't do this until 4 days ago, but I was away. Dr. Harley says there's a reason that women shouldn't be in Plan A longer than 3 weeks, besides the obvious health concerns a BW isn't attractive to a WH when she's trying to chase him it looks desperate. Also if a WH doesn't come back "hat in hand on bended knee" he's not serious about recovery.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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"Here is your Plan A: tell him you will be willing to meet his needs and avoid lovebusters in the FUTURE if he a) ends his affair and b) commits to the marriage. "
(I don't know how to do those quote boxes)
I didn't do this until 4 days ago, but I was away. No, you have been telling him this since he LEFT.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You have been in Plan A since you arrived here. There is no reason to do it any longer. Even Dr Harley told you to go into Plan B. It only hurts your position by dragging this out longer. It does not make you appear more attractive, but more desperate.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"Here is your Plan A: tell him you will be willing to meet his needs and avoid lovebusters in the FUTURE if he a) ends his affair and b) commits to the marriage. "
(I don't know how to do those quote boxes)
I didn't do this until 4 days ago, but I was away. PLUS, you will be telling him all the above in your Plan B letter.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I didn't start Plan A right when I began on this forum. I should have, but I didn't.
I didn't believe you guys, so I tried giving him space. I went away, didn't contact him, etc. I was still needy and all until I went away. Then, I was away for 3-4 weeks (out of his 8-9 weeks gone).
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I didn't start Plan A right when I began on this forum. I should have, but I didn't.
I didn't believe you guys, so I tried giving him space. I went away, didn't contact him, etc. I was still needy and all until I went away. Then, I was away for 3-4 weeks (out of his 8-9 weeks gone). No one can force you to go into Plan B. This is all voluntary. You can always refuse to take the advice, but I would just point out that even Dr Harley told you to go into Plan B. Good luck..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I want to go into Plan B, but not until I am either closer to getting my license, or closer to doing SOME changes that he can see. He sees that I am working on counselling, but that's all he saw.
I am going to take your advice, but even you said to give it another week or so- to leave him with GOOD memories. You said when he calls to answer. He finally called yesterday. That WAS your advice.
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Like I said, you don't have to take the advice. I am not going to argue with you about it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm more curious as to why you suggested giving a week or so more, but then changing it to Plan B now.
I don't want to argue, I want to understand.
I had worked on parts of the carrot end of Plan A, but until 4 days ago, I didn't do ANY of the stick end. Now, I did the stick, and he reacted exactly as you expected, and he has calmed down and called, as you said he would. He is doing what you said he would do when you were suggesting me Plan A for a little longer. That's where I am confused as to why I should Plan B right now :-/
Last edited by lonelygal84; 03/30/14 09:38 PM.
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I'm more curious as to why you suggested giving a week or so more, but then changing it to Plan B now.
I don't want to argue, I want to understand.
I had worked on parts of the carrot end of Plan A, but until 4 days ago, I didn't do ANY of the stick end. Now, I did the stick, and he reacted exactly as you expected, and he has calmed down and called, as you said he would. He is doing what you said he would do when you were suggesting me Plan A for a little longer. That's where I am confused as to why I should Plan B right now :-/ I didn't start Plan A right when I began on this forum. I should have, but I didn't.
I didn't believe you guys, so I tried giving him space. I went away, didn't contact him, etc. I was still needy and all until I went away. Then, I was away for 3-4 weeks (out of his 8-9 weeks gone). No one can force you to go into Plan B. This is all voluntary. You can always refuse to take the advice, but I would just point out that even Dr Harley told you to go into Plan B. Good luck.. All of the reasons for Plan B have been explained to you. I havent kept up with your recent updates, but based on the post above it looks like even dr. harley advised Plan B.
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Dr. Harley suggested the plan b for myself, because of my depression.
I understand what Plan B is, and I think it's wonderful, but I was advised at one point to plan a for a bit longer.. which is why i'm confused (sorry about the lack of caps, my shift key doesn't always work0
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I encourage you to follow Dr. Harley's advice and enter plan B immediately.
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I understand what Plan B is, and I think it's wonderful, but I was advised at one point to plan a for a bit longer I am the one who told you to wait a "little while longer," and by that I meant NEXT WEEK. You are twisting my words to drag this out to suit your own personal wishes. Don't use my words to justify dragging it out. I don't appreciate it one bit. Dr Harley told you to go into Plan B and so did I. You can refuse to take the advice, but don't pretend like someone here told you to do that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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