No,

Plan A (very short) = insistence on recovery and NC letter
Plan B = No contact and concentration on healing.

Someone with "dependence and depression" should not be trying to woo back a WS. You cannot do anything about his desire to be happily married. You must accept you need to take care of yourself and you need to be in Plan B.

so a Plan B with using 'family time' instead of reconciliation isn't good?

and yes, I am scared of it - especially since he now is open to contact with me, rather than wanting nothing to do with me.

Lonelygal,

I know that you are in a difficult position in all of this. The things that you are being told don't "feel" right and don't fit in line with the way you are thinking. PLEASE listen to what these people are telling you. REALLY listen!!! You are in your own fog, so you have to open your eyes to a different understanding. You will see that in time if you quit leaning on your own ideas and understanding and let these awesome people guide you!! Do you want to truly recover your marriage or not? I speak from experience when I tell you that fear of a lot of things will continue to prevent you from taking the right action(s). You are getting the absolute best advice and plan here with the responses you have been given in this thread. My wish for you is to step out of your box and lean on the expertise and guidance you are finding here. You are smart, but please quit relying on your own knowledge in this whole affair/relationship arena. You need to show so much more strength and hold your boundaries so much higher than you are with your H. He will take advantage of every aspect of your trust. Don't believe anything he says - only believe in his actions. He will tell you anything and everything he needs to tell you to continue to do whatever it is that he wants to do. It is hard to imagine that these people give their time, understanding and advice to help each and every person that comes here. They know what they are doing!!! I hope you can find the strength to trust them and let them really help you in the many different ways they can.

Yes, I applied for assistance, and I can not get help with housing.

I have been taking the steps with my depression that Dr. H has suggested. I have applied to a 2-3 year program at a school (in a computer field). I am thinking of starting in summer, instead. H and I decided on full-day pre-K for our daughter, partly because we just love the school, and partly so we can work on things (me especially). I have been learning to drive, I also scheduled a ton of appointments (dental, which was something I avoided for years, psych, etc). I have made plans with friends (because I avoided them for years, because of my depression, essentially).

Are you on ADs?

What about a job? Have you applied for work?

About the housing, did you tell social services that your WH abandoned you?

What have you done about getting your anger under control?

I am on a natural form of ADs, so yes.

I have not applied for a job, as I don't have a car or transportation. I am working on the license. H is providing money - an amount that we agreed on (well, moreso an amount I decided, based on what others in the area are getting, but he gives more than that)

Yes, I told social services, and they pretty much kicked me out of there. It was awful to see all these drug addicts getting all of this help, and them telling me to get out. As far as section 8, there is a 5000+ person waiting list, and they won't add me.

This is exactly why LG is in this wretched position. She has no job, no car, no drivers license and is completely dependent on a man who is utterly UN dependable. This situation will not change until she stops following her feelings and listens to some sound advice.

PLan A will not resolve your issues.

LG, right now you are a barnacle on a sunken ship. We are trying to help you change that. But you have to listen and take the advice. Cherry picking what you like and don't like won't get the job done because you don't have the JUDGEMENT to know how to choose.

How old are you?

What are you doing about your anger? Do you exercise?

Have you listened to the clips in here?
Anger Management 101

I do yoga, and I have began exercising in the past few months (I am way underweight, so I have to make sure anything I do builds muscle, rather than makes me lose more weight).

I learned breathing techniques, and techniques for taking time out.

I use art and music to calm myself, and release emotions. For years, I put these things on hold, but I have begun to do it again, and not just do it, but I include my daughter in it, as well. I am also teaching her some yoga.

I am also in an anger management group at my church.

I also release it through dance, a bit.

I am 29.
I fell hard and lost all of who I was, and have begun to regain it. It might look like I'm doing nothing to you, but I'm doing a LOT..

I believe you are doing a lot for where you are. You may not realize it, but you need the people HERE to push you. It may be tough, but you have a long haul ahead of you, and everyone here will help you toughen up. You have fallen very far. We understand that. It is time for action now!!! You are gonna get it back together!!!! You will find yourself again. You just can never give up, never be weak and NEVER allow yourself to depend on your H to define you!!!!! You really are on a wonderful journey. I hope you can enjoy the knowing that you can create the life that YOU want and need. Just begin......

]

Yes, you are doing A LOT of "Plan lonelygirl." That is the same "plan" that got you into this terrible place. You are relying on the judgement of the person who has wrecked your life. Unless that changes, nothing will change.

How close are you getting to receiving your license?

Are there other services you can apply for to get help?

I just got my permit recently. I just started to learn to drive. I don't know how long it takes, but I am trying as much as possible.

I am getting food stamp type stuff, but as far as housing, there is nothing. I am going to talk to my church counselor at my next appointment (wed) and see if there might be someone who has a room or two, or see if there is any type of help I can get there. (She's on vacation right now)

I have applied to HUD, section 8, I went into social services. I have spent 2 full days in there, and 3 hours another day.

You keep saying I am in plan lonely girl, but doing these things did NOT get me where I am. What got me there was me not doing anything, me not working on my issues (or even realising that i had them). I made excuses for all of them, and I'm not anymore.

Family time is nothing more than practice for a buddy divorce. You're advertising the divorce. It carries the following message:

"I am worthless. You can cheat on me and I will just play along. I will provide you with a nice happy family divorce. I will settle for that because I am totally worthless and undesirable."

It is not your fault. How hard is it for him to commit to recovery after the OUTSTANDING abuse of an A? For six months? For his children?

I PROMISE you Plan B is amazing and it will not deter a serious and committed husband.

Lonelygal, this could not be any more poignant!!!! I fell into that same exact plan. It completely destroyed me. I am getting stronger, getting my ducks in a row. If you don't listen to anything else today, PLEASE listen to ML's above quote!! Read it a million times to empower yourself!!!! I hope you see the wisdom in it. Do you even realize that you have been relying on the judgement of someone who did not have your best interests at heart? I KNOW I didn't. Even now that I do, it is still almost impossible not to listen to his toxic, most of the time nicely-stated, vile words!! It is also very difficult to get them out of your head!!! You can do it though. I am getting there!!!

You got very lost!! I think you are going to be surprised to learn that if you allow yourself, you can find yourself a lot easier if you get out of your own way!! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and just start living life - live by your own design.

I'd like to remind you of something you said last week.

Do you see how, no matter if you get a new license or sign up for a school program, you are still dealing with an issue of dependence?

You are still telling him: you can refuse to follow basic conditions of recovery, and I'll still do "family time" and emotional needs questionnaires with you. No matter what I do or say, I will not stand up for myself when it comes to blows.

Plan C: The WS puts money on a piece of fishing wire , just in reach of the BS, twitching it out of her reach whenever she gets close. For days, months, years....until she is so tired she lays down and gets run over by the first passing car. The WS decides 'that was fun' and wanders off.

Plan B: The WS puts a note on the ground near the fishing line saying: "I would very much like this money if you would like to give it to me" and goes withdraws her own cash, goes out to lunch, gets a pedicure and a good night's sleep.

So you've done alot and followed some of Dr. Harley's advice.

So why won't you follow Dr. Harley's advice on Plan B?