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kiss does not have solutions. Dr Harley DOES. I get it now ML, I see what you are saying. I will suggest he reads some materials instead. I guess I like the feeling of reading someone else going through the exact same path, but as you say, they should be recovered. I agree that is a good idea...................IF the person has taken a path to recovery. But he should not follow someone who can lead him into the DITCH.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We have lots of RECOVERED posters for him to read. What about SAA? Have you read this to him? You mean surviving an affair, not specifically. I have read a lot of materials here and we usually talk about those in the evening. We have shared a lot about the steps on how to recover and EP's. But I get a feeling that me saying the same things over and over, are not really having an effect on him. That is why I wanted him to read what other people had to say. Maybe you can point me to someone else's thread. Have him read Surviving an Affair. He needs ot be reading the material here, not other peoples threads. You can't recover a marriage that way.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks ML, we will look into getting SAA tonight.
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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I am also concerned that he is not working?? Dr Harley strongly recommends that men have a job because they are "dangerous" sitting at home with nothing to do. What are his career goals? He wanted to be a vet, but that is out of the picture for now. He also wanted to be a chef. The plans right now is for him to start baking at home and sell his products at cafeterias and what not. He did his first round of cookies for us this weekend. We have plans to do sample deliveries this weekend. Dr Harley made the point that "idle hands are the devil's workshop" when it comes to men. How about an occupation that will complement your marriage while still holding him accountable? If he stays home and bakes cookies and goes around and sells them, that seems to me to be a set up for a nice little secret second life. What kind of 9 to 5 job could he get that would be safe for your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My girlfriend does this for a living. 95% of her customers are female and she gets a few hours in the afternoon to play on Facebook. Sounds like a very poor idea for a wayward husband indeed.
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Your husband needs to be out earning a good living at a job that is structured, which complements your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi Alada, do you have a tablet of any kind that you could download SAA from Amazon? It is cheaper that way.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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I feel uneasy about him getting a job. Why?? I don't know.
He has worked before 9-5 jobs. When we moved back to our country, he stayed home caring for our little girl, until he went to college.
I guess I don't think we can get our UA time if he does work 9-5. Usually we start dinner and putting the big girls to bed around 7:30. The babe doesn't go down until 10pm. So that will leave us 1 hr during weekdays for UA time.
Also, sometimes I have field work, and he comes with me. We leave friday mornings. If he has a job, he will not be able to come with me.
I thought of the clients being mostly woman as well, and we decided we'll do the deliveries/sales together.
Blindsighted, I do not have a tablet.
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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I wouldn't schedule your UA time at home anyway. That is not quality UA time. Are you reading the Marriage Builders books, Alada?
I would just point out that staying home like he does is not good for your marriage. He should be earning money at a job that is good for your marriage. Staying home like he does gives him all day to hook up with chicks.
Please take the time to read the material so you understand the program. The program can't be learned by reading the forum alone.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I wouldn't schedule your UA time at home anyway. That is not quality UA time. Are you reading the Marriage Builders books, Alada?
Please take the time to read the material so you understand the program. The program can't be learned by reading the forum alone. Yes we are both reading HNHN and Love Busters. Right now are spending 95% of our UA time away from home.
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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I would just point out that staying home like he does is not good for your marriage. He should be earning money at a job that is good for your marriage. Staying home like he does gives him all day to hook up with chicks. Why would that be, I'm genuinely asking. Why a SAHD is more prone to an A? As far as I know he is prety busy all morning. He is not alone, the babe is there, and I have spyware on the computer and his cell phone. I do get that he needs to be making money, but I was thinking of waiting on that until our marriage is more robust.
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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I wouldn't schedule your UA time at home anyway. That is not quality UA time. Are you reading the Marriage Builders books, Alada?
Please take the time to read the material so you understand the program. The program can't be learned by reading the forum alone. Yes we are both reading HNHN and Love Busters. Right now are spending 95% of our UA time away from home. Ok, but you just said that you spend your UA during the week at home. I don't understand. The book you need to read is SAA.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess I don't think we can get our UA time if he does work 9-5. Usually we start dinner and putting the big girls to bed around 7:30. The babe doesn't go down until 10pm. So that will leave us 1 hr during weekdays for UA time. Melody, I was talking in the case he went for a 9-5 job. Right now we are getting our UA time, from 5-7 on weekdays
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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I would just point out that staying home like he does is not good for your marriage. He should be earning money at a job that is good for your marriage. Staying home like he does gives him all day to hook up with chicks. Why would that be, I'm genuinely asking. Why a SAHD is more prone to an A? As far as I know he is prety busy all morning. He is not alone, the babe is there, and I have spyware on the computer and his cell phone. I do get that he needs to be making money, but I was thinking of waiting on that until our marriage is more robust. That leaves him open to pursue affairs while he is home all day. Even the dumbest wayward knows how to get around spyware. The baby is not an impediment to an affair. Like Dr Harley says, men need to have a job to have them occupied.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess I don't think we can get our UA time if he does work 9-5. Usually we start dinner and putting the big girls to bed around 7:30. The babe doesn't go down until 10pm. So that will leave us 1 hr during weekdays for UA time. Melody, I was talking in the case he went for a 9-5 job. Right now we are getting our UA time, from 5-7 on weekdays So you can go from 5:30 to 8:30.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Another reason Dr Harley recommends that men work is because they derive their happiness from their occupation. If he has no viable occupation, he will be getting himself into trouble by seeking self destructive thrills. He has a history of inappropriate behavior with women, so he is perfectly free to do that all day.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OK Melody, we will talk tonight and start the job hunt. Thanks for taking the time to explain
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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OK Melody, we will talk tonight and start the job hunt. Thanks for taking the time to explain The key is to find an occupation that will complement your marriage. That means staying away from jobs that are female dominant.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We talked last night.
H agreed that he will be happier to find a job outside the house, but he wants to find something that will make us both feel at peace.We both think, it is going to be tricky to find such a job, but we pray that we find it soon.
He had not realized the baking will give him mostly women clients, and he is not confortable with that now, even if I do join him to do the sales/deliveries.
As far as SAA, we will wait until next paycheck to get that. But I recall someone in another thread saying that reading SAA once the A is over and in the past is not always a good idea. We have not talked about the A in a while, and I feel that reading it right now will evoke feelings. What are your thoughts on this?
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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