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because, at the time it was given, the affair was still going on, and I had no contact with WH anyway.
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...and if the affair is over? I seriously doubt the affair is over; or that he hasnt started another one.
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because, at the time it was given, the affair was still going on, and I had no contact with WH anyway. What confirmation do you have that the affair has ended besides your WH's word? Will he write a NC letter?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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He still needs to agree to a full recovery before you abandon Plan B: Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.
So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.
Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B. Have you read up on the plans?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I haven't asked about the letter, yet. I am doing that next time I see him, which should be this weekend.
Right NOW, the only confirmation I have is in the phone record, and tracking on his phone. His sister checks OWs FB, as well.
..and I DO have a Plan B letter prepared.. (it follows the guide)
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TRacking on his phone wont help you much, most cheaters have affair phones. they are very cheap from Walmart.
As for the Facebook, people can have an affair without posting on Facebook to each other.
You seem very desperate to move forward but you are young and still have your life ahead of you; dont stay in this place until you are 45 and then look back and realize you lived the last 20 years in misery of your own choosing.
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I haven't asked about the letter, yet. I am doing that next time I see him, which should be this weekend.
Right NOW, the only confirmation I have is in the phone record, and tracking on his phone. His sister checks OWs FB, as well.
..and I DO have a Plan B letter prepared.. (it follows the guide) Since you aren't in Plan B (because you refuse to) why don't you ask your WH to write a NC letter? Send him a text and ask him or call him on the phone. That simple step will show you if he is even slightly interested in recovery.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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dont stay in this place until you are 45 and then look back and realize you lived the last 20 years in misery of your own choosing. Like I did!! That is very sad, hard and humbling to admit to myself, much less anyone else!! It is a very sad and unhappy existence. I learned here that "Hope is not a plan." I lived there!!!!! Please don't do that!! It gets you nowhere but worse off.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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I imagine he would refuse to send one too, but even if he did it wouldn't really help.
The problem is that the OW is quite happy to often play along. This one may or may not have genuinely broken up with WH. Or they may have gotten back together.Or they can get back together after the letter is sent.
The only way is to insist on a real recovery. This stuff about wanting a separation to see how they would be together is clearly nonsense. If she is abusive why does he want family time with her? If he wants to see changes why isn't he with her to see it?.
Separation is code for let me have the old affair, or start a new one. While LG is offering him fun family-based support for this abandonment on the side, there is no reason for him not to play around.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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He didn't have an affair phone, oddly enough. Sure, maybe he does now, but he didn't.
Why isn't he with me full time? I don't know if I should LET him come back if he wants to... 1- reason- the people I live with HATE him, 2- I still need time to work on myself without him being here all the time, 3- Dr. H also suggested that when we do start to reconcile, to do it more from afar, not jump right back into it (because of my depression and everything).
I have only been back in our state of residence for a few days.
I understand what you are saying about separation being code...
He has scars to prove that I was abusive.... I think deep down, he wants recovery, but I don't know how to get him to admit it to himself or to me.. You can't MAKE someone do that.. and if he does just want divorce, telling him i want no contact is just giving him that.. maybe..
again, I DO have a Plan B letter written, and it is in my bag for when I see him...
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and omg I wouldn't stay in this place until I was 45... I would be done WAY before that! I'm sorry you were in this place for so long, it must really have been difficult for you.
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Thanks LG. The longer you stay in it, the more beaten down you become. I just stopped doing anything, living too. I identified with those words when you wrote them. What happens is a new level of just not living that you probably can't anticipate. I really never saw that I was just letting my life, myself, my dreams, my goals, my desires go. I just did it. So, if you stay in it much longer, without the changes needed on BOTH of your parts, you will fall further. It gets harder to leave then. The old me would have said the same words you wrote above. But, I did stay. I hope you heed all of this advice and warnings before you too sink too low. You have an advantage. You are already getting help to rise above this!!!! I am very happy that you have found this support.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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What about my suggestion about asking him to write the NC now?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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oh, he's out with his brother today (who lives 5 hours away, and is visiting), and they're getting pretty intoxicated... not exactly a good day for the letter writing.
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I haven't asked about the letter, yet. I am doing that next time I see him, which should be this weekend.
Right NOW, the only confirmation I have is in the phone record, and tracking on his phone. His sister checks OWs FB, as well.
..and I DO have a Plan B letter prepared.. (it follows the guide) So when will you be going into Plan B? And what is the delay?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you have an IM? What does your letter say?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The delay is my confusion.
When will I go into Plan B? I don't know. I was into going into it, and then when we spent time together, it was the most relaxed that it has been in a year, possibly (which is WAY before the A started). I'm confused, scared, and there's advice I am getting from all different sources (not asked-for, necessarily...).
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yes, I have an IM.
The letter is pretty much identical to the one in the book, but it includes things that we liked to do together.
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The delay is my confusion.
When will I go into Plan B? I don't know. I was into going into it, and then when we spent time together, it was the most relaxed that it has been in a year, possibly (which is WAY before the A started). I'm confused, scared, and there's advice I am getting from all different sources (not asked-for, necessarily...). You are confused because you are following the "plan" of a person who has failed you time and time again. In other words you are shopping for opinions on other forums instead of following Dr. Harley's advice? Once again, it comes back to the problem of you following "Plan L" and ignoring the professional advice of a clinical psychologist.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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and omg I wouldn't stay in this place until I was 45... I would be done WAY before that! I'm sorry you were in this place for so long, it must really have been difficult for you. I see you headed for a very bad place becuase you are in the bad habit of following your feelings and then justifying them with your verbal skills. Instead of using logic and reason to guide your path, you are going by your feelings. That is why a 29 year old adult woman lives in her parent's basement with no job, no car, no drivers license and is completely dependent on an undependable man. You are not accustomed to using logic and reason in your deicsions and outside observers can see the poor judgement involved.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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