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Remember, only believe his actions, not his words!!! You set your boundaries very high in terms of what you need and expect of him. He shot that to hellsbells with many of his selfish decisions. You have a lot of work to do, but don't forget he does too. AND, you have to make sure that he meets your needs there.
Yes, I completely agree. I believe few of his words right now (I mean, as far as anything pertaining to us, or to OW).
I'm not sure of my boundaries right NOW, but I have a pretty high set if we reconcile ever.
Yes, he was selfish, and so was I. We BOTH need to work on our issues, and meeting each others' needs, as well as our own. (and no, the affair is not acceptable, no matter what I did).
Let us know when you want to implement Dr Harley's advice.
LG,
Have you even heard from him?
Are you ready to enter Plan B now?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
yes, I have heard from me. He wants to be friends with me. His pain from my abuse is strong, but he is willing to meet with me soon to discuss what happened (on both ends).
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
Yeah....My guess is that Dr Harley is hoping that if LG gets stronger on her own and gains some emotional distance, she would be much less likely to be manipulated by this WH. Sigh.
yes, I have heard from me. He wants to be friends with me. His pain from my abuse is strong, but he is willing to meet with me soon to discuss what happened (on both ends).
Discuss? On both ends?
You couldn't make it up could you? It's like meeting up with a rapist to discuss what happened. On both ends. Good grief.
If he isn't going to act, repay or heal, there is nothing to discuss.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
We did not have the talk, but it accidentally came up a little...
He admitted that his A was unacceptable. He is not open to reconciliation, b/c of his own pain. I made sure he knew about my pain, and my intention on reconciling. I made sure he knew that I think we both need healing. We agreed to not discuss it yet. He has turned off his emotions. I made it a point to say that the discussion cannot happen until 1- he feels something, and 2- he is willing to heal.
He has physical scars all over his body from me. I am doing my part to recover from being that awful person. He can now admit that he was wrong in having the A, and that even though I hurt him, it's not justified.
We did not have the talk, but it accidentally came up a little...
He admitted that his A was unacceptable. He is not open to reconciliation, b/c of his own pain. I made sure he knew about my pain, and my intention on reconciling.
Reconciliation typically doesn't work when the husband is not committed and all-in. Ultimately it is usually extremely hard on the wife.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
A lot of that wasn't actually too hard on me, because I did (and do) have a great counselor. She's wonderful and I couldn't be more grateful for her.
Markos, what do you suggest? I remember reading yours and your wife's posts a long time ago, and thinking you guys were awesome in how you made it through (I'm pretty sure it was yours, maybe not though)
Probably Plan B, right? I am currently in Plan B...
Yeah....My guess is that Dr Harley is hoping that if LG gets stronger on her own and gains some emotional distance, she would be much less likely to be manipulated by this WH. Sigh.
I agree. Let go of the guilt of what you believe to be your abuse of your WH, and put it in terms in your own frame of reference, of what he is doing to you now, in his behavior.
His affair has more markedly abused your love and trust of him than anything you possibly could have done to him emotionally or physically in the past.
I see you have internalized his emotional abuse of you and excused his abhorrent behavior because of your past physical abuse of him. You must be more fair to yourself.
It is his thoughtlessness, not yours, that is causing you pain now. Your recovery is dependent on your internal strength.
What steps can you take now? Please listen to others who have been there.
I agree about becoming stronger inside. I'm working through that. As I said, I have an amazing counselor. Today, I said to her the same thing I've said on here: I understand WHY he got to the point that he cheated, but it is still completely unacceptable and wrong, and was NO way to deal with our issues. It has hurt us both incredibly, and because of his own selfishness, pride, and guilt, is most likely what killed our marriage. I am willing to fix my end of things (and am working on it, including housing), but he isn't willing. I didn't kill the marriage (if it's over for good), he did.
I agree about becoming stronger inside. I'm working through that. As I said, I have an amazing counselor. Today, I said to her the same thing I've said on here: I understand WHY he got to the point that he cheated, but it is still completely unacceptable and wrong, and was NO way to deal with our issues. It has hurt us both incredibly, and because of his own selfishness, pride, and guilt, is most likely what killed our marriage. I am willing to fix my end of things (and am working on it, including housing), but he isn't willing. I didn't kill the marriage (if it's over for good), he did.
Willing and doing are two different things, regardless of how your WH feels you should be making the changes for you. I read you were going into Plan B but are still talking to him and its hurting you. That isn't Plan B, please re read Surviving the Affair and listen to your radio show. As a woman this Plan C (confusion) is very bad for your health. Do you listen to the radio show on a dail basis? He states this at least once a week about the importance of Plan B especially for females. Please follow the advice and stop picking and choosing what you feel like doing.
Markos, what do you suggest? I remember reading yours and your wife's posts a long time ago, and thinking you guys were awesome in how you made it through (I'm pretty sure it was yours, maybe not though)
I suggest getting ultra-educated with what Dr. Harley suggests, and following it to the letter. Are you listening to the radio show daily?
Prisca suggests this approach:
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
plan B- 2 days ago, gave the letter that was almost identical to the first sample letter, a friend is the IM (a male friend). Why? i'm still not sure, because i know I can handle more..
plan B- 2 days ago, gave the letter that was almost identical to the first sample letter, a friend is the IM (a male friend). Why? i'm still not sure, because i know I can handle more..
When is the last time you've had any contact with your WH?
Have you worked on your anger management program?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
