I had racing heartbeats last night, and he wasn't very supportive or caring. I should have known he was working up to leaving.

He's done this so many times before, he already has it worked out re how to emotionally disconnect and walk away. Three wives before me -- I'm now about to become the one he'll tell his next gf about -- the one who was a prude and had issues about sex.

I'm angry, heartbroken and really don't know what to say to him anymore. He left for the cottage this am and said not to contact him - he needed time to work through things.

I'm not sure I feel like trying to salvage this marriage because I feel like I may have married someone like my exh.

I am so sorry, BB.

I assume you are not buying this blame shifting and his pontifications about your past.

The real reason he is talking separation is he does not want to give up porn. He told you he would stop and now faced with the reality he can't make himself stop.

You have presented him with a plan for the here and now and your future together. Again, he is showing you his warped mirror so you can help him continue his porn. He needs you to have this fear of abandonment be a big deal. He is blowing it up out of proportion. You have seen this before.

Don't buckle. Don't show fear ---even if you do feel fear. Its OK you feel this way. You are going to be alright.

You will likely be surprised to find he has more fears and insecurities than you do. Stay true to yourself.

Ignore these statements about your history and separation. Stay in command of the situation. You choose whether to separate on the terms you have stated.

Tell him you appreciate how hard it is to give up porn and that he will need support during this transition. But you still need him to give it up for your marriage to continue. Keep driving this point home.

So, you are his 4th wife?

What's the common denominator in these 4 failed marriages???
HE is.


Ahemmm...I think that he might be taking...and has been taking....other women to this cottage. His porn addiction, plus his sexual proclivities suggests to me that he hires prostitutes.

Not wanting to make the situation worse...just saying that I think you need to consider that it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for you to fix this....or him.

committed

Bluebird,

I'm very sorry for you this morning, but I am proud of you for standing up for your marriage and making an great effort to communicate to him what will work in order for the marriage to work. You did very well. I like it that you gave him a copy of His Needs, Her Needs. Very good idea. Seems to me, though, that he is only interested in "His Needs."

I agree with Melody that at this point the separation is your best shot creating a change in him. You are letting him know that you mean what you say and you say what you mean. If this doesn't make him snap out of his fog, nothing will.

If he chooses to remain a desperado there is nothing you can do about it, except maybe warn his future love interests about the danger they are in.

Keep us updated on how you are doing. Again, very, very sorry.

God bless you.

I was distraught when I posted. I'm his third - guess I can't keep track of it all. I'm having a hard time thinking or even moving and have been crying all day.

thanks for your advice and support. I just can't see any future.

Dr. Harley would advise you to ask your doctor for some ADs. Can you do this?

Separation will be a walk in the park for him - he's done this so many times before with his xws and then that's not even counting the women he may have lived with along the way. I know of at least one who trashed his place when they broke up.

He did tell me about all of this before so I can't say I was in the dark. I knew he had quite a lurid history with women. I was just a foolish lady who bought into the idea of first love being the best love - an idea he encouraged. I guess I thought I could make him whole.

How dumb was that.

I'm already on Ativan from my first marriage. I didn't want to take any more meds and end up completely drug dependent. The thought of him being out there and having SF with someone else is killing. But I can't see him going without if we separate for longer than a few weeks.

I suspect he used a script with you that he's used on all the others. He is a charming snake, and his go-to approach always works for him.

On to the next for him. Sorry.

Maybe talk to your doctor about increasing your dosage and/or adding an add-on script.

You need to realize that this wasn't you that had the issues, but him. That's why he's had so many failed relationships. He may never get it and I'm sorry you got caught up in it.

But he won't do that if he is serious about making the necessary changes in your marriage. And if he is not serious, then you will be better off divorced.

He sent me an e-mail when I asked if we were over:

"You need to read my words. I'm am simply saying that the past is too painful to contemplate and the future is unknown. Therefore it is senseless to discuss either. I do know I feel a lot of disappointment about our relationship(s), so I would question our ability to be happy with one another, based on history."

This is him -cold and clinical. He has cut off emotionally. He is done.

I hope you realize that what he is telling you is a load of quack.
He knew your 'history' (I don't even know if 50 years ago in high would qualify as relationship history in my book) when he married you. And he did not more know the future than he does now.

Perhaps I missed the segment in ghe marriage ceremony were it says "to have and to hold as long as you consent to regularly watch porn with me and totally abide by my wishes and my wishes alone, selflessly sacrificing your own happiness to be my sex slave, whose only right it is to be enthusiastically available, whenever I care to want sex (the way I want it). You hereby give up the right to have any say in your own sex life, on how you dress and for this you gain the privilege to be called my wife, but do not expect any niceties in return. And, by the way, if you ever do find that you have wishes and opinions of you own, I will have the right to punish you as I see fit and you may even lose this exquisite privilege to be on call for my sexual convenience."

Must have missed that, because he sure seems to think that that's what was said...

He would have had SF every day -- I would have been more enthusiastic, but he constantly made me feel that it was my only value. Only good as the last encounter. When he talks about happiness, it's his code word for SF.

I think if I were younger, I would have been able to stand up to him fearlessly, but I'm not young anymore, and the prospect of spending my days and nights alone from now on has always been my biggest fear. He will always have a companion of some sort and his own two children. I don't know what the future holds for me now.

I'm so sorry BB. I'm sure you see living in a lonely, unloved marriage is definitely something you don't want to be any part of, correct? You do realize you deserve a wonderful marriage and husband, correct?

What kind of things can you do to help you be more independent? Are there any groups you're a part of? Church?

No not really. I'm kind of shy and reserved. My xh took care of everything until he got ill. I found that very difficult and lonely. Meeting current H seemed like a miracle and it was because I didn't have to do the dating scene at all - he just showed up at our high school reunion and we were like glue from then on. I thought I'd never have to worry about being alone again. I can't see anyone in my future if the marriage breaks down. Men my age want younger most times - one thing I can say for current H is that my age wasn't an issue. Too bad so much else was.

We are the same age and I went through gut wrenching agonies when my 30 year marriage broke down just as my children were reaching adulthood. Eventually I realised that I was going to be happier alone than in a marriage where I would have to check on my spouse 24/7.

I got a dog, started to do yoga and volunteered twice a week teaching adult literacy. Those were all life changing things. I had forgotten about myself.

Very slowly I started to meet people as I emerged. There are actually tons of single men of our age out there and many of them are not deadbeats at all! Best of all, the good ones are not interested in dating younger women, they want someone of their own age. Because I am from the UK and a very unusual cultural background, I never thought it would amount to more than just social stuff but I met someone from the same background who is a wonderful person who treats me like a princess. We are now married. You can do it.

I'm happy for you LW. Right now I'm traumatized. I hear what you're saying though. I've been told I look younger than my chronological age etc but even so I don't feel like I will ever have the heart to go through it all again. I am depressed and have been about my H.

Will you please talk to your doctor about adding an add on to your AD? It would only be temporary until you get through this period. Do you exercise?