My husband - if you can call him that - suggested I come on here and post.

2 days ago i found links to porn and a link to check available times for an escort.

He denies physically cheating but since he hasn't been having sex with me, he's obviously been getting it somewhere.

Don't really know what else to say. I'm posting because he asked me to.

Welcome to MB and I'm so sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here.

Do you want to save your marriage?

What are the ages of your children?

Thanks Brain hurts.

Yes we have 2 children, quite young - 9 and 5.

Do i want to save my marriage? Well, what marriage?

He has been emotionally unavailable, physically unavailable for the whole "marriage". I'm not sure there is anything to save.

Am I prepared to start over? Yes.

I love my kids and I don't want them to grow up without a father.

Am I prepared to work at this? Right now? No. ball is in his court.

Hi wto, welcome to Marriage Builders. I read your husbands story and it appears he has been having sexual affairs on the internet and has been using porn extensively. What he has done is equivalent to having a physical affair.

If you decide to save your marriage, I would do the following:

I would check his story about never meeting these people in person by setting up a polygraph. BEFORE he takes the test have him answer a list of your questions and give him a chance to get all the truth out on the table. Then have the polygraph tester validate a few select question. The tester will only ask 2-3 questions but your H won't know which.

The first step is to get all the truth out there and the second is to eliminate the conditions that made his affairs possible. That means that you must make it impossible for him to cheat again using his computer, whether that is by removing the computer or by putting a porn block and a keylogger on his computer. The idea is to make it impossible for him to do this again.

The next steps are to follow the steps in Marriage Builders to create a romantic, passionate, integrated marriage. Read the links here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

Thank you melody.

That helps, at least there is a plan there.

I've already given him 2 opportunities to come clean. Completely. He says he has. I don't know. I can't trust him so I don't know. It seems unrealistic that he has spent 7 years camming and never taken it further. I've seen the evidence that he tried to at least once.

If the polygraph shows he is lying, there is no 3rd chance. It's over. I've practically been a single parent since the kids were born, this way i have 1 less physical body to take care of.

Here you go.
Polygraph Testing

I would also have him and you get tested for STD/I.

Thanks Brainhurts

I will go get tested.

I think he's already making an appointment for the polygraph test tomorrow/Monday.

I would write out a list of questions NOW and give it to him. This will be his last chance to come clean. He needs to clear the air with the truth BEFORE the polygraph. Ask him all the details about his affairs, including names, places, times, etc. He should write you a storyline about what he has done. The expectation is that you have the full truth before you walk in the door. The polygraph is to validate what he has told you.

Good, and read that link I posted, because there are questions that posters have used in their polygraphs. Then you can write them out and give them to him now.

I would also recommend getting the book Surviving an Affair. Your husband said he would look into buying it.

It has the plan all laid out.

Thank you Melody, again.

I've already given him 2 opportunities to tell me everything.

He has in fact given me a storyline of everything he has done, how it escalated and when. Since there aren't specific people, other than one escort, which I found evidence of in his phone, I don't see the point in asking for names.

I will make a list of questions for the polygraph.

Anything else?

Another thing that will be important is making it impossible for him to look at porn on the internet. If he has to work on the computer, I would look into installing covenant eyes on his computer. Check it out here: http://www.covenanteyes.com/

The purpose is to ask the questions BEFORE the polygraph. These questions are not for the polygraph. After you have given him a final chance to answer your questions, you and the polygraph tester will decide what the focus questions should be.

Most waywards play a game called "trickle truth," where they withhold pertinent details. Their goal is to throw out enough crumbs so you will believe he has told you the full truth. Things usually change when a there is a polygraph on the horizon.

So ask all those questions again and give him a LAST CHANCE to come clean.

This is what I'm afraid of :


"Most waywards play a game called "trickle truth," where they withhold pertinent details. Their goal is to throw out enough crumbs so you will believe he has told you the full truth. Things usually change when a there is a polygraph on the horizon. "

That's why you sit down and write ALL your questions out and have him answer everything before the polygraph.

Thanks Brainhurts

I'll do them soon

This is what has likely happened which is why you give him another chance BEFORE the polygraph to get it all out. They usually sing like a canary all the way to the polygraph test!!

Yup we've seen that many, many times.

No "specific people?" That doesn't ring true at all. That sounds like a wayward that is trying to protect someone.

Thank you melodylane. I agree with you. I don't believe he didn't physically do anything with them and i don't believe that it was completely random. He was actively looking for people to sleep with. Profiles on dating sites and escort services.

He checked out of our marriage 7 years ago. YEARS. Not months.

He left me alone to raise our children while he was "working".

I don't know what to believe but I can say that a lot of events now make more sense.

I don't think there is anything left to save. I don't even see the point, even if he passes a polygraph it doesn't change the fact that he checked out 7 YEARS AGO.

Welcome to MB's, I'm sorry for what's brought you here.
I am a FWW, my BH first found this site over a year ago, I will tell you there were days I thought he was going to give up on me, on us ~ for what I had done. The road has NOT been easy. The fact that your WH has come here on his own is a good indication that he wants to save your marriage. (PLEASE know that I in NO way support what he's done)
My BH found answers to his questions, guidance on the "next steps", support, encouragement and a place to vent, you to will find the same. The vet's will not be "easy" on him. If you and him want a marriage better than ever, this is the place to be.
I can honestly say that when I first started posting as a WW, I HATED everyone, the truth was not easy to hear, the questions were not easy to answer. Along our journey, as we continue in "our" recovery, I have come to respect and look forward to the advice and support that's been continuously given to both of us.

We are now just a year into recovery - and our marriage has done a complete 180, I'm married to my best friend and more in love with him everyday.
I hope you keep posting, I hope HE keeps posting - listen, follow the advice and steps, and if you want, you can and WILL get there.