Some but not enough. It's just one more thing to do alone. I'm sitting here right now knowing that if I dropped dead no one would know for days. That's how I felt when H left for the cottage and didn't call or email for four days. Ugh I have to stop the circular thinking. I'll talk to my doctor.

thanks

BB, I would start making plans to separate. How would this happen? Do you live in your home or his?

Do you have family or one of your kids or a girlfriend you can spend a few days with?

Can you start to make plans to separate?

Have you been begging and pleading with him? His message indicates he believes you are able to be manipulated into meeting his selfish demands. Is that true?

Is he in control?

I sent him a few sad e-mails saying I loved him but he just said h couldn't deal with the emotions etc. He sent me the same kind of cold and clinical e-mails when he would ambush me about his unhappiness with our SF. Once he did it when I was away visiting my mom so I was helpless to try and deal with it all from a distance - it was if he purposely waited for me to go away so he could confront me in a sort of passive-aggressive way.

Yes he is in control -- the same way my other H was.

I'm in his home but I have a small home that exh and I bought a long time ago. I could go there I suppose but it's 6 hours away by car. I really don't have anywhere else to go. No kids and brothers (3) are busy with their own kids and lives. Lost a lot of friends years ago when exh H died.

Why don't you plan on going there? Pack your clothes and get away. I think he needs to see that you are not so desperate that you will hang around to be his option when the spirit moves him. He really has no motivation to change as long as he believes this.

I believe he expects you sit there sobbing waiting for him to grace you with his exalted presence while he treats you as an OPTION. Stop being his option and make a decision to set some boundaries on how you are treated. You DEMEAN and devalue yourself by sitting there waiting for him. It is also very unattractive to him.

Take back control of your life and show him you are not afraid to lose him.

I would get packed and leave in the morning. Send him a nice email before you leave that goes something like this:

Dear Joe,

I have decided it would be better for me to separate while I consider the future of our marriage. Our marriage has become a very unhappy place for me where my needs are not being met. This makes it very hard and unappealing to meet your needs for sex. Your use of pornography and constant demands on me to provide sex have made this marriage untenable for me.

I would like this marriage to work out, but I can't stay under the current conditions. If you will agree to give up the pornography for life and become willing to learn to make me happy, I would be willing to discuss reconciliation. Until that happens, it would be better for us both if we are apart.

All my love, Bluebird

Ok Melody. I'll start getting ready to leave in the am and leave a note as above. I've probably already made myself look pretty pathetic in his eyes but what's done is done.

I guarantee you that he will FLIP OUT if you take that approach and be much much more willing to do what it takes to make you happy. Right now, he is trying to manipulate and terrorize you into abandoning any and all conditions just to keep him around to grace you with his presence.

He won't get serious until he believe that YOU are serious. And sending him that letter and moving out will do exactly that, I predict.

You need to make him CHASE you and if he doesn't do that, then this is not worth it.

As you leave the house, I want you to send him that message. Does he have a way to retrieve emails?

yes he has his phone

How about driving to your other home and THEN sending him that email once you get there?

Way to go BB! Way to take your life back, my friend.

You will so much better.

And I want you to think about putting your emotions aside and doing what is right for Bluebird. Right now your emotions are telling you to do stupid things. You and I are close to the same age so I know you understand. Please set those emotions aside and force yourself to do what is right FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. Your emotions are not your friend right now and you need MRS LOGIC to step in and save Bluebird.

Mrs LOGIC, please help Bluebird pack her bags and load her car up so she can leave in the morning. Have her pack as much as she can fit into the car in case she needs to be away a very long time.

Once that is done, please help her sit down and type out an email that she can send once she gets to her other home.

We are here with you Mrs LOGIC!!

Believe me, I have had to call on Mrs LOGIC many times over the years to come to my rescue.

Me too!!

Thank You! I'm on my way to other house.

Good girl!!