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I just think a man who'd been able to leave previous marriages and mot look back -- as well as a couple of "renter" arrangements along the way -- does not get broken up about these things. I know he has a way to disconnect, compartmentalize and move on.
I was reading about Narcissistic PD and he seems to have some of the traits, in particular, lacking empathy.
My deceased H was the same minus the marriages and cheating. He was simply completely neglectful of my needs and thought it was perfectly ok to have a sexless marriage.
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BB, I think one of the best things you can do for yourself is to start creating a full life for yourself. What kinds of things do you enjoy doing?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well I've applied for a dog through a rescue site, enjoy gardening, music, wanted to take piano lessons again. I love being outside for walks too. Just quiet enjoyment.
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You might also consider group activities, where you could build an enjoyable social life. Perhaps a bicycling club, exercise classes, a dance class with other women, a hiking group, a Bible study. Good friends aren't easy to find, but a group is a good place to start.
Married 1980
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Getting some distance:
-You won't have to worry about what your husband is doing, not doing, might do, will do, has done...
-you don't have to compare yourself to porn stars, husbands past wives, his future victims...
-you do not have to even be too concerned with the loses...
You can now be excited for your own future. It is still to be determined but at least you are helping to direct your own future...
Again I hope you consider a visit to your doctor.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Chances are your husbands so called personality disorder is simply his brain on porn.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Well I've applied for a dog through a rescue site, enjoy gardening, music, wanted to take piano lessons again. I love being outside for walks too. Just quiet enjoyment. How about working with rescue dogs as a volunteer or joining a gardening club? Do you have an IM lined up for your Plan B?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Getting some distance:
-You won't have to worry about what your husband is doing, not doing, might do, will do, has done...
-you don't have to compare yourself to porn stars, husbands past wives, his future victims...
-you do not have to even be too concerned with the loses...
You can now be excited for your own future. It is still to be determined but at least you are helping to direct your own future...
Again I hope you consider a visit to your doctor. x2
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Those are good ideas - The rescue people are coming in a few weeks so I may get more info about volunteering etc.
I'm still obsessively checking e-mail for anything but of course he is silent as stone. I'm not calling either.
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You need to shut down that email and set up a new one, so you won't be tempted to look.
Married 1980
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I think it's so much worse for me because we were highschool sweethearts, then lost one another for decades, then found one another again -- and now lost again. It seems incredible he would treat me this way, or that I somehow wasn't able to make him happy.
ugh
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I mean me personally, not comparing myself to anyone else.
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I think it's so much worse for me because we were highschool sweethearts, then lost one another for decades, then found one another again -- and now lost again. It seems incredible he would treat me this way, or that I somehow wasn't able to make him happy.
ugh You really must stop thinking in these circles, because it will drive you nuts. The fact is that if your H is not willing to integrate you into his life and until he agrees to only do things that you are enthusiastic about, your marriage will continue to be a great disappointment to you, a disaster even. Try to get involved with something enjoyable. And when you find yourself thinking of what might have been, start thinking of something else. Have you changed your email yet?
Last edited by LongWayFromHome; 04/07/14 02:21 PM. Reason: made something clearer, hopefully
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No, just stopped checking it.
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Both you and your husband are using your nostalgic memories as a baseline for your relationship. This orientation has you seriously lost and depressed. Nostalgic Memory is an idealized perspective of the past. Its a sanitized version of your history.
You are losing a 'screen image' of your past. You have attempted to play the screen image of your husbands nostalgia but its offensive. And he no longer fits your screen image.
Now you gotta get past the nostalgia and figure out if you can work together towards honest compatibility.
BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren
"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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There is nothing wrong with feeling despair over this. You are in grief. Respect it.
But you also have to put one foot in front of the other and make a new life for yourself.
From what you have described you were in marriages with two men who were takers, and it seems to me that you have been conditioned to feeling like a failure because you couldn't always satisfy their selfish demands. These men have battered your self esteem. This must stop.
You have done well to take the advice of those posting here. Continue to move forward, and find things to do that will bring satisfaction and fulfillment. I agree with the reader who said you should also do group activities.
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I know. But I also know he can't go more than two days without SF without feeling tense , so he's either using a lot of porn or doing something worse. I can't seem to get unstuck from these feelings and also the feeling that if only I'd been better at it, none of this would have happened.
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I know. But I also know he can't go more than two days without SF without feeling tense , so he's either using a lot of porn or doing something worse. I can't seem to get unstuck from these feelings and also the feeling that if only I'd been better at it, none of this would have happened. Better at it? No. That's your husband's manipulation at work. Again, stop letting his selfish demands define you. This will carry over into new relationships and its not good for you.
Last edited by Justthe3ofus; 04/08/14 07:17 AM.
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No, just stopped checking it. Mmmmm. Take it from a fellow Plan Ber, that even when you aren't checking it you are thinking it. The phone ticks like a bomb.. when will it go off? Same with your email, until you can think of a legitimate reason to 'check' it. Best to close off all possibility of contact, for sanity's sake, and let him prove to an IM that he is serious. I know. But I also know he can't go more than two days without SF without feeling tense , so he's either using a lot of porn or doing something worse. I can't seem to get unstuck from these feelings and also the feeling that if only I'd been better at it, none of this would have happened. Well, sure. You can't just tell your feelings to flip over for your convenience. They are feelings. They just follow on from actions. Your feelings won't change until your actions change. Until you close off contact your thoughts are stuck on contact, and on him. The more you get out and do stuff for you, and the more you seal off from his neglect, the better.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I can't seem to get unstuck from these feelings and also the feeling that if only I'd been better at it, none of this would have happened. It never would have happened if he cared about you. If you have to perform in bed like an 18 yr old porn star to keep your husband in the marriage, then that marriage is dead. Do you feel loved and cherished when you have sex with him? Or do you feel used?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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