If you had "done what he asked," you would have developed a serious sexual aversion that would make your marriage a living hell that would have been a slow, tortuous road to divorce. His plan was untenable. If he just does what you ask, he has a chance with you. You have told him you are willing to give him that chance.


You were facing much worse than a future alone. You were facing a future with a thoughtless, selfish man who cared nothing about your feelings and expected you to compete with 18 year old porn stars. Just imagine how "caring" he would be if you get sick in your old age and become disabled? If he cares nothing about you while you are fully capable, imagine how much less he would care if you were disabled??

I shudder to think!!


You don't have to be alone. There are lots of great guys out there.

What would he have done with you if you developed Alzheimers or had a debilitating stroke?

I'm not sure he could have stepped up to the plate to take care of me. I never got that feeling based on his behavior in the past when I've been sick. He would always brush off my questions to him about that as my being too negative.

I would marinate on that for awhile if I were you. I can't think of anything more horrific than being debilitated and being at the mercy of someone who does not care about me.

Bluebird,
I'll reiterate: if you did everything he wanted, he would have only increased his demands and still not be satisfied. There's no way you can do enough, right enough to change him from a freeloader to a buyer. And MelodyLane is right, for a while the anger about how you were treated is strong. Even then, no contact and you'll make it through one more step towards a life of happiness.

This is an e-mail he sent me last summer. He was upset because I went to visit my mom, who was recovering from cancer surgery. We agreed beforehand I would go, but a few days later I got this when he wouldn't respond to my attempts to get in touch:

"Perhaps you didn't understand, but these emails don't substitute for the fact you should be here, but as you explained, you have other priorities. So attend to them and don't send me this stuff."

Around here we cal that BS fog. Of course you made reasonable efforts in love to do what you could enthusiastically. He judged it as "not good enough," but that doesn't negate the efforts that you did make. Please think on this because it is his main weapon against you. If you would please just hold that statement up to the light and acknowledge that you did do these things that he asked you too do. The things that you were unenthusiastic about, you stopped doing, because to continue them would have created aversions and made reconciliation a harder road later.

I'm not doing well at all. Still NC from him. I have kind of lost it emotionally and family is worried as I can not stop crying. Will meds do any good? The thing is they won't change the fact that my marriage is likely over and/or H is cheating.

It's one thing to have this happen at 35, quite another at 62. No time for a do-over.

Anti-depression meds can indeed help you. No, they won't help your marriage, but they will help you to even out your emotions while you are feeling so sad. They don't change your personality or make you feel strange or fogged out. They just help your emotions to be more even.

Please try not to concern yourselves with "do-overs" and the like at this point. One thing at a time. I know you would rather be married than alone, but it's better to be alone than with someone who does not care about or for you. And you don't have to be alone and lonely. You can get involved with your community, with helping others, womens shelters, assistance leagues, the church, groups.

And, at any age, you never know what's around the bend anyway.

Yes, BB see you physician pronto. Get a complete physical. You likely need to get on an antidepressant and under a doctors care right now. Give him/her the whole truth about your situation. Get checked for STD's and so on.

I heard from him. This is all he wrote:

"What will you say to yourself in your later years about how you lost the man who loved you. Twice."

I guess he doesn't think that he's ever done anything to lose my love for him.

His heart is clearly still hardened against me.

Translation: I am starting to get nervous that my manipulations have not worked and she may mean what she said!!!!

"I will say that I would rather be alone than in an unhappy, miserable, incompatible marriage. If you become willing to end your porn use and work together to create a marriage where needs are met in a way that make us both happy, I would be willing to try. I want to meet your need for sex, but it has to be done in a way that makes me happy too. If I enjoy it then I will do it enthusiastically. I would be more enthusiastic if I felt emotionally attached to you and we always did it in a way that makes us both happy.

I would also like it if we went through the Marriage Builders program so we can create a compatible marriage.

Let me know. All my love, bb"

I wonder why I can't tell when I'm being played?

Thanks M. I'll send him the note.

Bluebird, forgive me as I am a fair bit younger than you, but I see a woman who feels as if she has low worth due to her age. My widowed grandfather met and married a wonderful woman when they were both in their late 80s. You know that you are deserving of love no matter when you were born, right?

Ditto to what alis said.

I know of lots of people who found a mate after 50. My mom is a red hatter and has several girlfriends who ended up remarried or in a relationship after being divorced or widowed. A friend of her just got married at 84!!! Chin up lady!!!

Also, have you considered joining a group like the Red Hat Society or a meetup group? It is a good way to meet people and do fun stuff.

BB,
He learned to play you like a violin. He's testing out your resolve. Stand firm. You know what you want and what you don't want. Glad you will send ML note from yourself.

Now get back to taking care of yourself. Shift your care and concerns to the wounded part of yourself. Not in a self pity way, but think about caring for 'her'---the part of yourself you have neglected because you have focused your precious time on attempting to please your husbands non-stop selfish and perverse needs. A black hole. Not possible along side his porn addiction.

That's who you are crying for. Her. Yourself. Not your husband. Protect her. OK?

Thanks everyone. The pain I feel has to do just as much with our past as our present. I have a box full of love letters, notes, pictures and songs he wrote for me in high school. We were everything to one another -- and then I decided to break up with him just before prom. Stupid thing is, I did it for no reason I can recall. I just think I wanted to see more people before considering marriage. But then I met and married my H (mistake) about a year later, and it was a long and mostly unhappy abusive marriage. I should have left but never did.

I always felt that if I'd married C instead I would have had children (he wanted them with me), and a happier life.

When we finally met again it was like the heavens had smiled at me finally. Now we're losing one another , and it seems even more tragic than the first time. And I can't understand his treatment of me, and why he wants to let go.

I will try to take care of me if I can.

Bluebird, you are in your own fantasy fog too. You are his third wife, it seems you ascribe such romantic ideals to what was a carefree teenager nearly a half-century ago while being unable to see the reality of what he is, and apparently always has been, as an adult man. You've asked him to stop using porn, not walk on mars. And yet, he refuses. He is not the fantasy you cling to.