Congratulations on the job offer for your H. I pray it works out well for both of you.

As time moves on and he eventually deposits enough love units in your love bank, he will probably start to feel, oh, I don't know, BETTER isn't the word I'm looking for, but less terrible about what he did. Just Compensation is a beautiful thing. On the one hand, the victim is paid back generously. But on the other, the perpetrator GETS to pay back and earn the victim's trust and love.

We never talk about the A; we don't ever even bring up the bad non-affair times in our past, per Dr. Harley's recommendations on leaving the ugly past in the past. Still, every so often, once or twice a year, my H will tell me he feels so sad about the time he wasted all those years being a "crappy husband," when all that time, it could have been the way it is now. I always tell him, "You're a wonderful H now. I'm glad I stayed." That's the end of that conversation.

I'm very happy to hear that the "wows" are still happening for you. I think it took me about six months to fall in love with my H again (per the love bank questionnaire from the online monitoring - I certainly couldn't tell myself!) but it took the full two years and a bit more to actually believe he had my back and to trust he wasn't going to change back to his old self.

Can you ensure that your H is completely and fully transparent and accountable at this new job?

Yes I think so, LWFH. I'll detail what we have been doing. Of course, if you notice any leaks, please let me know.

He doesn't use cash any more, so no throwaway phone. He will be working with two other men, no customers on site. I've got all of the snooping stuff still, plus a new thing from the Op Inv forum here. And we had a little test run where he rehabbed a house for the last two months. When that sells, he plans to use it to pay off as much of his A debt as he can.

He showed himself not only trustworthy but grateful for the opportunity to go out of his way to make me feel secure. He texts me at least 20 times per day, every day. He shows me that he appreciates when I show up un-announced. He always helps me with my work. When something breaks here at home, he either rushes to fix it himself or have it taken care of. He is always coming up with ideas to make me feel more secure. If it triggers me at all, it's outta here. He never did any of this before.

I cannot bear to have ANY triggers, and it causes us trouble when we are around our kids or family/friends. No one does it to be mean, but they keep referring to our LIVES�how our 4th parties are so missed, how I made a mean appetizer for Christmas, the trips we used to take nieces and nephews on, blah, blah, blah. I can't think of that stuff now, and I'm not sure if I ever will be able to again. H and I POJA each thing and generally seem to tick off someone because we aren't participating in things with them.

But like H said so well, we are finally taking our M first and making a great example for anyone wishing to truly observe.

We are sharing hopes and dreams again finally, and I think that is the biggest thing helping me now. We are starting to focus on the future again. OUR future. We both realize, especially during conflict, that we are learning to (finally) truly put the other guy first because we want to live an interdependent life. We aren't sacrificing any more�we are learning extraordinary care.

That said, we still have a long long way to go. There were so many layers, LWFH, and we had SO much wrong in our M for our whole lives�there are things that bothered us both that we did not ever even realize until now. Much of our lives right now is still made up of POJAs. It makes for interesting dates.

Today we are going to have a big date and I am looking forward to it! We are going to a thrift shop and then bike riding at a park, then dinner and then home. I especially love dates that encompass everything.

H is off for the day.

We got up together this am, and he still helped with the dogs and kept giving me hugs and reminding me that he will still be "with me" all day.

On the way out the door, he looked back and said "just remember, now we have the third strand (God) in our marriage".

He called while driving to work, and texted when he got there, and has already texted twice in the last 1/2 hour.

This isn't "his" job�it's almost "our" job now, because we have to coordinate and work together on giving extraordinary care�.or else I just simply cannot do it. We do realize that, and so our plan is to ramp up our O&H even more than we have achieved thus far. We are now trying to say our thoughts out loud (interesting exercise!!!). Plus, I'm taking extra care to complain about any little thing that bothers me right now (even more than before).

Blindsighted this is so good yo hear!! Thanks for sharing

Well it has been two weeks since H has gone back to work, so far so good. I won't lie and say that it has been easy for me (or him).

I won't rest on snooping, but honestly guys it is getting b-o-r-i-n-g lately. I went back to checking things every day after he started the new job, and that's probably why it is tougher for me now, but I will keep it up.

The first week was tough because of all of his texts/calls. I had a very difficult time switching from "work" mode to "wife" mode when he called. We have been together face-to-face for so long now (9 months since last D-day), and I got used to him seeing when I was in the middle of work and waiting until I was off of the phone to talk. Our M is the most important thing though�so whenever he called, I told the customer that I would call them back.

This past weekend, we had our niece's wedding. H took the initiative and we practiced what to say or do "if" scenarios. Most of what we were afraid of never happened. The woman who tried to jump on H at the shower didn't show for the wedding. H never left my side, and we did enjoy the evening very much. Only hard spot that I had was during the wedding dance, but H got up with me and we walked all of the way away from the wedding party and out to the road so that I couldn't hear the music lol.

The trouble that I am having these days is that I cannot ever think of the past, DUH, I know that. But I'll think that I am doing great and then BAM a kid, relative, or friend, brings up something from the past, and I get a hot flash. That's kind of my signal that I have to change my thoughts FAST or else I will get a horrible headache/earache (I've never had headaches before this).

H is helping me with this in a way that I like. FINALLY. Until these last two weeks, he missed the mark (I think because I didn't know what I needed). I now realize that I need him to talk, talk, talk about our future plans! That gets me off of that spiral, and I'm already getting better at thinking of future plans on my own without his reminder. WONDERFUL really, because you guys will not be surprised to hear that never in our whole marriage had we ever made future plans together.

I still have to work on asking for "better" IC. I don't really know how to ask, because he is trying�he listens and ask questions, but then when I answer he seems to mirror back what I've said to him. Then it is difficult for me to want to offer more info, kwim? I'll find a way to ask specifically for what I need, but if anyone has any ideas, I'm grateful.

Looks like recovery to me.

In the early days, our conversation centered around the weather and the dog. It took time. But, the more UA time we had, the better it got.

AM

THANKS armymama, your support (and everyones!) has meant the world to me!

Speaking of dogs�hehehe

My precious 16 yo yorkie-poo Ginger passed on March 12th of this past year after dealing with heart failure for the last five years. Talk about triggers�but we won't go there now.

The last two days of her life, Ginger had lost so much weight that she couldn't sleep in bed with us any more (she would burrow under the covers and then not be able to get herself out, she whittled away to only 3.5 pounds and I couldn't risk suffocation). H made a homemade wooden bed for her next to ours and she slept there totally sound for the last two nights.

But on March 12th, I knew that it had to be over. At the last minute, H offered to stay in the room and hold her when she passed, so that I did not have to see it (which I took him up on).

With my having a work at home job, the house was mighty QUIET since March. My friends and family suggested another dog, but no way could I envision having any dog "in Ginger's place" yet. It wouldn't have been fair to the new dog either, because they couldn't be Ginger.

Fast forward to the middle of June, and my persistent cousin kept sending me photos of rescue dogs available. Well, one caught my heart. I stared at that pic for two days before bringing it up to H. He and I POJA'd and were in enthusiastic agreement to apply for adoption.

We applied. An auto reply told us that they received our app and would get back to us if we were a fit. I prayed but then put her out of my mind. Thursday June 27th I got a call letting me know that they were verifying our info for pending adoption! I had given them our heart vet's number, local vet's number, neighbor's number, groomer's number, and would you believe that they DID call them to verify? IMPRESSIVE!

Friday morn the 28th, I got the call that she was on her way up from the south to US! Where could we meet the transport? OH MY GOSH.

By Monday she was HERE in our home. Poor girl, extreme attachment disorder. God brought her to me, both H and I swear it. Our friends have already asked who is rescuing who?

She is 8 months old and she knows stay, sit, we're working on come. She already scratches at the door to go out (usually!). She leads correctly too..but not so great when she is out in the yard with our border collie and aussie.

We have an underground fence for the big dogs, but I am not so keen on using that with her (she is 8 pounds). I am working as fast as I can to teach her the commands so that she will listen when with H's dogs.

They all do play together. H throws the ball for the border collie about two hours per day (have to "employ" that breed), and this little girl is right there playing with the big boys lol.

Anyway�here she is!

I love the pic. That's a very cute dog and a nice story. She is meant to be with you two.

We still talk a lot about our dog. We do a lot of hiking in the woods and the dog runs ahead, rolling in decaying animals and jumping into rivers with banks so high he can't get out by himself. I guess we still talk about the weather, as well. But, we have plenty of additional topics now.

AM

I'm so happy to hear that your marriage is well on its way to recovery. And your new little dog is adorable.

I don't know about you, but I will sometimes look back on my "old" marriage and remember when I thought we had a pretty decent marriage. But it's nothing at all the way it is now. It really is like a brand new marriage, so much better, safer, and more passionate than ever.

Thanks for your update. And thank you for helping on the board.

Congrats BlindSided on your road to recovery.

Oh my WORD armymama! I can only imagine your faces on the first time that your dog did that! So how does he get out of the ravines?

I guess that I closed myself off so much that I didn't trust for him to even know what I was thinking. That has changed now, but the conversation is oftentimes still really "walking on egg-shell-y".

Then out of the blue, we'll have a really connected convo! We just have to keep paying attention and figure out how we manage that sometimes lol.

Thanks LWFH and BrainHurts!

LWFH, I don't even think about the old M any more. It is still too painful to even go there. What finally worked to start feeling like I was healing is when I listened to all of you guys and only focused on the present and the future. Once I GOT that, then since I hated that "present", I started complaining to beat the band. H took it well and he started changing his behavior big time. We both did. We both learned to complain rather than to criticize.

This is for any newbies reading: Nothing is the same as it used to be. We do everything together now. Grocery shopping, he helps chop vegetables (he doesn't really help to cook yet), dinner time is different, bedtime routine is different (now we go to bed together each night and talk and then pray and then listen to a podcast as we hold each other and fall asleep). He helps clean and fold clothes (I still do the laundry). He SEES anything that needs repaired or picked up around the house.

On Sundays, we get up and have coffee together, we relax and if not at all pushed for time we go to Bible Study together. If pushed for time, we skip that and go to church together. Then after church, we always meet a family member for lunch. Sometimes our daughter, sometimes my brother or my Dad or MIL.

We take a walk holding hands every single day. We plan our activities together. At first just UA time but now it's everything. When I am on here talking in the evening, he is out playing with our dogs�then we will sit on the deck if it is nice out and just admire the skies for a few minutes before going to bed.

Anything that triggers me gets to go into the garbage. We still aren't done with going through our entire house to trash things, but we've got all of the main living areas done now. My MIL triggers me a lot and no she didn't get dumped lol, but we both absolutely are a broken record with her these days and that helps me a TON.

Same with other wreckage�our oldest adult daughter is having a lot of troubles due to this. It's so easy for me to fall into the Mama Bear syndrome, but she doesn't WANT that. H and I POJA our behavior with her now, and she seems to be growing stronger.

Our youngest adult daughter and her hubby of two years seem to be veering toward independent lives. So we visit them out of state often and try to just be there. It doesn't feel "good enough" for all that we want to do, but baby steps.

So much to clean up and soooo precious little time. But we are definitely getting there!

Good for you, blindsighted! Not very many success stories in "Recovery" here. Glad to see yours

That is a lovely pup!! Glad you both are enjoying the new addition.



This is so true and so nice. I guess marriage should always be like this.Together!



Yes, yes yes! I have thrown so many things away. I get this nice feeling when the garbabe man picks up the trash.

I wanted to ask something, just coming from another one in recovery, who someitmes is clueless. Have you guys considered moving? Selling your house?

H found a tree that was growing out over the river, climbed out on it, hung on with one arm while pulling the 90 pound dog up the bank with the other arm. H was a muddy mess afterwards, but it was sandy soil and brushed off once it dried. The time the dog rolled around in the decaying carcass we stopped on the way home and bought dog shampoo.

We got rid of the triggers as they came up. The big one was when wet heavy snow collapsed the roof of the car port onto the affair car, totaling it. I haven't talked with my MIL since early 2010. In Nov 2009, she facilitated the false recovery, letting H use her phone and computer to contact OW and telling H to do "whatever made him happy". H usually talks to her on her birthday and Mother's day, but he hasn't seen her since 2009.

AM

What is it with MILs? I have a hard time with mine too. Regarding our lack of visits to her place she usually calls H and ask him if I'm keeping him hostage and other non-friendly stuff.

How do you handle your interactions BS?

Thank you Ever2Late! I'm so happy to read your post. I've been thinking about you a lot!

Oh Alada, you are not clueless, we are on the same path together and doing the best that we can to learn as fast as we can.

Absolutely, we are planning to move. Hopefully not forever (OW is much older), but that is open to how I feel after we've been away for a while. We are hoping to not have to sell our home, but if we do�then we do.

H is taking the bull by the horns and doing about 75% of the work around here now. I am quickly doing more and more as I feel better, but truthfully I just couldn't for a long while due to first cancer and then D-Day.

CROSSING FINGERS AND TOES!

Unreal! I bet THAT made for some good conversation for a long long while!!! Not to mention that you must have been holding your own breathe the whole time lol. Pretty fast thinking on your H's part!

Okay, time for me to go. H and I have deck time scheduled.

Good for your H had he has held fast to supporting the M. Did she ever get a clue and try to apologize?