Basically the question was whether he had physical sexual contact with anyone whatsoever during our marriage. And he fully explored that. He is familiar with sex offenders/deviants and also asked about other deviant behaviors and he didn't have any. Not dead people, kids, public stuff, whatever. I don't have the report yet but examiner was happy with the test and said he had encountered much much worse. So, obviously he is not a psychologist...but it was nice to hear anyway that he isn't too bad off.

What he said is that you should separate and report your husband to the police. The reason is because your husband drugs you and sexually assaults you in your sleep. The polygraph did not change any of the reasons he told you to separate.

Your husband would be considered a sexual deviant.


Has the issue of him exploiting females at work, watching porn and masturbating at work been addressed and resolved? Is he leaving that job?

So you didn't ask whether or not he'd had sexual contact with your children? I thought that was the objective of the poly. How did he explore other issues? I thought only one question was allowed in order to have accurate results.

I am not trying to make you uncomfortable. Just trying to make sure I'm understanding you correctly.

What does it make you think when Dr. Harley said the solution to most (all of us here, including Dr. Harley) seems obvious, but the spouse of the sexual deviant finds it extreme?

Are you still separated?

Also, is the therapist your husband is going to see an expert in sexual deviancy?

This is trick I used to do when I was a practicing alcoholic. It is called defining deviancy down. The trick is to find the worst possible example as a point of comparison. That way you can always look better.

He has not had an issue with females at work since this affair, which ended a year and a half ago. He had had previous issues, but none since, so as far as I can tell he has resolved it. He makes it a point to not engage with anyone on a personal level I think. The porn and masturbating has been fixed. He doesn't have the access anymore. He is job hunting but it isn't easy these days.

And yes, I know dr. Harley would like for me to call the police...but it isn't going to happen unless I am given a good reason...which would be if he did it again. We will be sleeping separately, definitely.

He has had affairs at work, though, and that is the point. He has to change the environment that led to his affair. He has exploited his female subordinates and masturbates at work.

Well he explained the poly which was kind of confusing but in the end basically meant I really only had one question. If he had sexual contact with anyone else. He did not want to start with minor stuff bc knowing too much requires him to report it....and he would have to confess previous crimes to take that test, so he wanted to start by knowing less. So he worded it in a way that covered everything and he passed. If he had failed that he would have had to go through and then possibly discovered anything bad. But all the language was very clear and he definitely received a passing score. He has not had sexual relations with any other man, woman, child, anything. My husband did confess to what he did to me and he asked other than that does he have any deviant behavior. And went into specifics.

I haven't received the report yet but he needed a +5 to pass and he got a +11. I believe he is truthful and I believe any deviant behavior is exclusive to me.

Yes, that is true...and he wants to leave his job more than I want him to....but you have to have a job to go to.

So if he had affair"S" at work....and your polygraph asked him about sexual cntact with "anyone" since marriage.......how does he pass the poly without answering "yes" ? ? ? ?

And if he answered "yes" --- why are you happy?

He had always insisted they never became physical...the worst was hugging. And obviously I am not happy he got involved with anyone, but happy he was telling the truth and did not have sex with either of them. The polygraph was complicated also by the fact that the first affair involved a 17 year old (10 years ago) and again, being that she was a minor made the questions tough to ask and get the right answer. Yes, she was technically a minor, but I knew about it and would not consider that the same as preying on children, and thankfully he was truthful in that he never had sexual contact with her bc that would be a whole mess. Well this whole thing is a mess actually....but anyway, long story short the poly worked out.

And the question was physical sexual contact. I didn't care about texting, phone, email, any of that bc I already knew he was guilty of that.

BBF,

Okay, the polygraph is over and I'm sure you're relieved.

Now, has he moved out of the house so you two can start working on recovery? Remember, even having him in the house means you have to actively protect yourself every night, and love can't grow in an unsafe environment. Have you talked to Dr. Harley about your next steps?

I really hope this poly hasn't given you a false sense of security - especially since questions were deliberately worded to avoid legal trouble. In fact, it seems the questions were deliberately worded to avoid having him confess to crimes against minors.

Is your husband's therapist an expert in sexual deviancy?

I let him come home. I do realize he is still a risk to me and that is why we will continue to sleep separately.

I'm not exactly sure on the therapist. He found him...I know he deals with lying and impulse control problems. If he's not the right therapist he will have to find another. My husband more than any sexual problems is a huge liar first and foremost. It is a very frustrating problem and I'm not sure how easily it can be treated since the problem is he can lie to the therapist.

Will you be having a session with the therapist first to lay out your concerns that need to be addressed so the counselor doesn't just take your H's spin on things and use them ad as session to empower himself.

He obviously will spin a story in his favor if left unchecked, probably telling how you are forcing him to go because you are so controlling.

LTL

Well the stipulation is that the therapist is willing to check in with me. I do not want to create a situation where he doesn't tell the therapist stuff bc it might get back to me but I need to know if he's going and making progress and stuff.

You said your husband has a huge problem with lying, so how do you know the porn/masturbation problem is fixed? How do you know for a FACT he no longer has access? Have you exposed to his employers? Have they confirmed that his computer and workplace behavior are being monitored and no longer include porn/masturbation/inappropriate contact with coworkers?

Also, you say you will call the police if he does it again. He drugged and raped you for 4 years without your knowledge. How will you know if he has done it again?

What type of security system do you have in place to prevent access to your (and your children's) bedrooms? Sleeping in separate bedrooms is not enough. A simple door lock is not enough. My children know how to access locked bedroom/bathroom doors.

It cannot be treated easily. That's why you were advised to expose and separate.

If your husband is truly not too far gone, perhaps a strong stance now will cause repentance and true recovery. The most unloving thing you can do to your husband right now is enable him.

Are there still drugs in your home?

What if your children come across the drugs by accident? What if they take the drugs by mistake?

Do you know that mixing drugs with alcohol makes them deadly?

These things need to happen:


All illegal drugs in the house need to be removed.

You need to know what drugs he used and what they look like.

Your children need to be taught not to take any pills they might find. I don't know how you can be confidant of this. (You can't). They are small. A dose would make you sleep could kill them.

Poison control on speed dial. Your children need to know how to call 911 if you are incapacitated.

You need to know how your H obtained the drugs. Any circumstance that makes this possible must be eliminated.

Randomly have yourself tested for drugs. How else will you know if he does it again?

You and kids eat and drink only from factory sealed containers. Perhaps locked kitchen.

BlackBird,
Please post and let us know how you are.