Yes this is true. The reality is that he has walked out of two previous marriages and had had many failed relationships in between and before he met me. I know he has had casual sex with multiple partners, lived with another woman after his second marriage and that that woman trashed his place following their break-up. I believe the cause was cheating on his part.

I guess I really am grieving the destruction of the fantasy as much as the present day circumstances, perhaps even more. Before we married, he told me it would be different with me -- and in his words, he would "fix everything" I was sad about.

Do you see now that this was an illusion? He has made you terribly unhappy.

He has made me feel unsafe - which is worse for me. A year ago we had the same issue come up -- he told me then that we were going nowhere and asked for a two month separation. I went to my
mother's. Then he came back with promises that things would be much better (after I had to promise to work on SF).

But he never cut back on his IB (long walks, spending time alone, watching TV shows I didn't enjoy). And obviously as far as he is concerned the SF did not improve and probably got worse as I felt less enthusiasm. I couldn't help it even though I knew he was becoming resentful. I think I was starting to get depressed.

Have you thought about hiring a PI to see what he is doing?

No -- my emotional state it too fragile to have that kind of info. I would really rather not know. The mental picture would play and replay and only cause more pain.

I suspect he is looking at porn and engaging in activities of some sort owing to his drive for SF. He could never be celibate for a long period.

You have a nostalgic memory of the nice stuff about your past with your husband. Notice how you have now filtered out the negative emotions from that period of time?

The real tragedy is how you are allowing yourself to treat yourself. Focus on taking really good care of yourself. Start by seeing a physician.

I predict you haven't heard the last of your husbands manipulative banter.

Did you send ML message?

I'll send it at some point today. Not feeling like it will really matter.

thanks.

I would check in with a doctor and see about an antidepressant so you don't feel so raw and vulnerable to reality.

Right now your own imagination and nostalgic memories are your means of protecting yourself and working against you.

You do need to understand your husbands goings on so you can make an informed decision about your own future.

Start out by getting to a doctor for a check up.

Have you responded with anything?

You have a small chance that it may make a difference. Can you please send it?

Where would he go on these long walks? For how long? And what would he do when he spent alone time? Where would he go?

He used to be a marathon runner before we reconnected and has always been a fitness fanatic. He's been doing this stuff since his second marriage - so almost 30 years. He changed to walking about two years ago. I know his routes and at times saw him when I was out running errands. He never took his phone with him, which used to worry me in case he had a fall etc. I don't think he was seeing anybody during his walking time - he is simply addicted to the fitness regime. After his walk he would come back and look at the computer for an hour or play word games. I was always in the vicinity and at times would look over his shoulder and nothing was ever amiss. He never left the house during his alone time. It was just that I found that I spent from about 600 am when we both woke up until about 2:00 on my own with little conversation from him. I wasn't used to that as I came from a family where everyone talked. We're both retired so there should have been more talking I would think.

When we watched TV it had to be pretty much what he wanted to see or he would leave the room. He had no interest at all in my shows, and didn't even try to fake interest for my sake. At dinner he never talked either, which I found strange. He warned me about this before we married but I never imagined he would be as silent as he is. It was disconcerting to say the least.

I just gave up and watched whatever he wanted in the end, and also gave up on trying to engage him in dinner conversation.

He has no close friends and had zero interest in my family or visiting with them. He would visibly recoil at having to be in their presence, even though he knew my mom from way back.

In a way it was hurtful to me, and yet just his own personality so what could I do?

Did he talk to you at dinner when you were dating?

Yes - he was extremely charming and romantic. I guess he was faking it to get me to fall in love with him again. Obviously the silent persona would not have worked.

He told me once he had two personalities - the one he had to use at work and the one which was silent and didn't really like people much. He also told me that if he were ever single again he's have no trouble being Mr Charming to get "chicks."

Which is probably what he's doing now.

Husband: IB + porn = bad marriage material.

BB: Fantasy about past + going along to get along = poor coping strategy to deal with the bad marriage material.

The key ingredients are not there right now. You have to have quality ingredients for a healthy and happy marriage.

You need to get yourself healthy and even though your husband appears a health nut, he needs to do the same and give up IB and porn.

You are helpless to change your husband. It up to him. You could influence him by how you take care of yourself. Especially laying out for him and standing firm in your expectations for the marriage environment.

That's why I feel our UA time was not really UA time. If you have to watch TV in pretty much silence, and then when you go to bed you can't talk either "because the bed is only for SF or sleeping", when do you ever have the opportunity for intimate conversation, which I craved and needed in order to want to provide SF?

Unfortunately, his behavior can't sustain a marriage. What you describe isn't a marriage, it is a parallel life. No wonder you felt like you were just being kept around to service him sexually. I can understand why he has lost so many marriages. I seriously wonder if he isn't a sex addict and this consumes his life to the exclusion of all relationships. I would want to know where he goes on these "walks" and what he does when he is alone on the computer. I bet there is a lot you don't know about him.

It is not UA time at all. Not even close. Just being with someone and never meeting their needs is not UA time and will not sustain a marriage.

grace I didn't see your post before writing the above, but you are correct. He isn't marriage material.

One other thing that always bothered me: he has a son by his first marriage. This son got lost to him in a way after the divorce when xw took him to another city. He saw this son until about age 20 when son disappeared. Since then my H has written him off as dead and never talks or thinks about him. Even his kids by second marriage ask why their dd never tries to find his firstborn son. It would be easy with today's technology.

I found it chilling that he could be so blas� about it all. Like the fb son never existed or didn't matter at all.

He could have grandchildren he doesn't even know.

Your husband reminds me so much of my H when we first married 14 years ago. My H also was very deep into porn and didn't like people much. He hated being around any of my family members. The porn [which I thought was harmless at the time] sort of shut down his emotions for others, including me. I used to say "do you even like me?" I didn't feel like he liked me. He didn't like to talk to me and only seemed to want me around for sex.

I started spying on him and discovered he was having an internet affair with an old gf up in Indiana. That explosion is what led us to where we are today. I kicked him out and was preparing to contact an attorney when he asked me to give him a chance. We went to "counseling" and the counselor introduced us to Marriage Builders. And here we are today. No porn and very happily married.