Snooping w/out your husband being aware may seem against the whole premise of trust in your relationship. Most of us started out from the day we married our spouses under this premise--- that our relationship is built on trust. We play along under this premise. Something like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.

And then we are shattered to learn we cannot trust our spouses. They suddenly talk about not being in love or become ambiguous or coldish towards our relationship with them. We come to believe there is something inherently wrong with our spouses or ourselves. A mysterious mid-life crisis?

But WAIT! There's more! You are being compared to another. Usually its another person. Maybe someone at work. Or there is a comparison to a porn star.

Its called the contrast effect.

Now your trusted spouse is looking at the benefits of being in two relationships at the same time. He/she is enjoying (cake walking) and see's his future from the perspective of the benefits of both relationships at the same time. You likely meet some of his intimate emotional needs but there are one or two needs he is receiving from the other person he is not getting in such abundance from you.

This weird logic is called "affair fog." Your husband is making his bazaar plans based on "affair fog." You might be a bit foggy too due to following his weird logic.
"Betrayed Spouse Fog." You are factoring in how you will get by w/out husband not based on complete information about the state of your marriage and the facts behind your husbands bazaar turn.

In order for your husband to keep up the rouse he has to edit the information he is presenting to you. In other words, he is not telling you the truth. In rare instances, a married spouse could show these behavioral changes due to a brain injury. Its highly doubtful this is what you are dealing with.

Because you are dealing with this situation, you cannot do what you normally would do after many years in a relationship with your spouse. You cannot turn to him like he is your best friend, comforter, and so on. Right now you cannot�repeat�cannot ask him if he is in an affair.

The only hope to get him back is to hold him accountable and shine the light of day on his "affair." You have to act. You have to snoop. Follow Melody Lanes thread for exposure.

Likely you will need to place a key logger on his computer. Place a voice activated recorder under his seat in his car taped with duck tape or whatever folks her recommend. You can get all kinds of advice here about how to expose. Get the facts.

Everything you do in your marriage affects the other person. You deserve to know the facts behind your husbands plans for your future. Its your life too.

Dr Harley says we are ALL wired for an affair. There is nothing inherently wrong with your husband and nothing about your relationship that sounds like some education and new habits won't change. Your husband likely has poor boundaries around other women. He will need to put up extraordinary precautions to go forward in your marriage. But that's not the first thing that needs to happen now. And you do not need to distract yourself when you need to act and stop the affair from progressing further if you want to remain married.