Thanks for checking back Indie. I've had a rough time -- a lot of crying, depression still very bad despite meds and feeling very alone and frightened about the future. I did not want my later years to end this way - alone but then right now my thinking is very dark and I'm still ruminating way too much.

I have begun to realize that he is probably Narcissist or has some kind of personality disorder which is not really fixable. Some of his behaviours over the course of the marriage:


Never said he was sorry when he hurt my feelings

Said F-U to me on New Years day this year for some silly reason

Would rear up in bed and glare at me if I coughed or made noise for a few seconds

Hypersensitive to any perceived criticism

Lacked empathy when I was sick

Would leave me alone for hours on end while he engaged in his fitness regime (basically no contact from early am until mid afternoon)

Would only sit with me if we watched his shows (would leave the room for anything I was interested in)

Couldn't stand to be around my family (they are good people!)

Often called me "whacky" or other names for having opinions he didn't like.

Used loud sighs and rolled eyes to express displeasure at me.

Gave me the silent treatment when he was upset for something I "did".


Somehow this seems abusive and is probably why I began to feel depressed and lonely just before he left. He could also be affectionate and kind, which only leaves me feeling more confused as to who the man I married really is.

This time though, I don't think he'll come back unless I go to him on bended knee. I just have a feeling he's done and has probably been unfaithful as his need for SF is so strong. That I don't think I could ever get my head around.

Yes I am constantly checking e-mail but I think anything I send him goes to spam and he's blocked me on FB and Skype. He didn't do this the last time there was a separation.

So maybe it's best if it is over, as I don't think I want to live in fear that at any time he could decide I wasn't making him happy and throw me out, or abandon me if I were to get chronically ill. Plus there's the whole porn issue.

But sad to say I would give anything to hear from him -- but I will not make contact.

thanks for the support and hugs.

BB

All this makes what you are now doing a really great win-win strategy.

If he has a personality disorder and cannot feel normal emotions then best to find that out now while you are still young enough to build a life for yourself. Imagine realising you were married to a monster after you fell ill.

If he is a normal person with normal feelings but has buried them, he will miss you. At some point that will lead him to an understanding that he needs to do work to build a life with you that will give you both happiness.

BB, thanks so much for checking in. I was thinking about you this weekend and was starting to get worried. People who are depressed tend to not see solutions so it is no surprise you feel this way.

I this quite a bit differently. If you get divorced, you will have an opportunity to meet a man who loves and cares for you. You did not have that opportunity while married to this man. This man does not care for you and I cant help but think it would be a terrible to spend your last years dependent on a man who is so uncaring.

BB,

Mostly here to say hi and keep encouraging you to not be in contact with your husband and continue to find enjoyable activities to distract yourself during this difficult time.

You are very vulnerable now and I too hope you keep coming here b4 you attempt to contact your husband. He's likely operating based on his addictive exposure to porn much like an alcoholic or drug addict 'think' when using their method of choice. This can appear to be a personality disorder.

Have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome? or PTSD? You maybe affected this way which makes it hard to detach and thus continue to question your own sensibilities along the way.

Try to fill the vacuum left with good stuff and people whom show you with their actions they love and care about you and don't need you to do things for them that hurt you.

Looking for emails and waiting for a call are traumatic for you right now. You can grieve--- but choose to not exist miserably, OK?

Thanks again everyone for being so kind. I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I feel like I'm hanging by a thread right now but will try to get better at least for my poor Mom's sake. She's 88 and worried sick about me and I feel that's so unfair to her so I really have to snap out of it as she's depending on me along with my brother.

That's another thing H couldn't wrap his head around, but then his own mother was cruel and neglectful to H, which is where all his issues stem from imho. It's really very sad as he was a very cute and smart child who was not given any real affection and had to learn to fend for himself.

That doesn't give him a pass to be mean to me but in some way I know why it's happening and why he's been through so many relationships.

Graceful I have PTSD from my first marriage, which was verbally and physically abusive. I hadn't even really recovered from all that when I met H#2.

BB,
2nd husband not much better and has added insult to your injuries. He's not going to turn into a shining prince someday.

You are climbing out of this hole aren't you? You are making progress. Just tormented by your own stink'in think'in, huh?
Keep going. Its just tough right now.

This is a journey you needed to be on here and now...

BB, what does your mother think about the brave way you are handling the situation?

I haven't been particularly brave Melody, I'm sorry to say.

I have to get a grip though for my family's sake. No one wants to see their child (even their old child) upset and sad.

I know these feelings are normal, and I would feel this way whether I was 32 or 62.

It will just take a long time to stop feeling sad, and to understand this is not all my fault.

I agree he probably has been unfaithful. For quite some time too. I also agree that you are unlikely to see any genuine offers of real care or concern from him in the near future.

However I remain really concerned that he will contact you, not for the sake of having a true marriage, but for the sake of his cat and mouse game. He really enjoys having power over you. This idea of being so irresistible he is able to leave you and return at will is central to his identity.





That's right, you've got it! Of course it is only 'right now'. Of course you are grieving 'right now'. When you come out the other side of withdrawal, you will feel great. You are already seeing the misery of your marriage with much clearer eyes. You're going to feel wonderful after a bit of time without this abuse. But he has never allowed you to reach the healing point, he has always swooped back in at the lowest point. I would be surprised if he allows you to heal unimpeded now.

I'm glad you won't be contacting him, but don't be so sure he won't contact you. You must be prepared for all eventualities. He is counting on being able to take you by surprise after so much pantomime 'blocking' you on social media.

Can I ask two things of you?

1) Come up with some ideas of things you can do instead when tempted to check your email multiple times a day. Something that will keep you busy. Email checks will hinder you while tasks will build a happy new life.

2) Come here for advice instead of reacting emotionally if he contacts you!

I really would not be surprised if he came at you with another jab designed to elicit an emotional response. It might even be disguised under a practical motive like a meeting to discuss divorce or finances. Or something like that 'you've lost the man who loved you slightly better than his own company and people get old' jab he sent you. Please be aware he may try to jab you, and don't respond to him emotionally.

Thank you.

I do think the "blocking" is excessively mean and is him trying to punish and make me wonder whom he's contacting and chatting with on FB. It was one of the ways we used to communicate when we first reconnected, so he knows blocking me is very hurtful.

That said, I've been reading about Narcissist Personality Disorder, and am dismayed to read that he shows so many of the traits. It means he will never change, if true.

Bluebird, is he blocked from contacting you?

Since he blocked me on FB it means we have no way of contacting one another on that particular site. I can't tell if he's blocked me on Skype but looks like it since he appears "offline" all the time. As for e-mail no I haven't blocked him but only because I don't think he'll contact me any time soon.

I guess he could call me as I haven't blocked my phone. When I broke down and called him in March he took the call but told me the last time we communicated (when I broke down again) that he didn't want me to call him for "awhile" whatever that means.

I know that a separation can mean the end of a marriage as Dr Harley says since "out of sight" can be out of mind.

I feel the more time goes by without contact the more likely we will never reconcile as he will be able to move on and has done so numerous times with his marriages and other "freeloader" arrangements he's had in the past. Why did I think I would be the one who'd be different this time?

Now that I think of it I was shocked that he would reveal so much of his past to me when we reconnected (even though Dr Harley advocates this). The two marriages, other live-in arrangements, cheating in those relationships, (he even told me that when he was younger he once slept with four women in one day). Maybe in his own way he was trying to warn me that I was getting a "bad boy." I remember feeling a little sick inside to hear all these things and did ask him to get tested for STDs before I would take things any further.

That's why I'm sure he's engaging in cyber sex, or whatever right now.

You really need to block his phone number and email so you won't be thinking that any day he could contact you. Better yet, completely change your contact information so he CAN'T contact you. Then you won't wonder if today will the day he calls or emails.

I know, but I can't bring myself to do that yet.

I really believe it's over but can't quite let go of the little shred of hope I have. I am so afraid of being alone. I have never been alone except for after first husband passed away, and that was awful. I felt lost.

BB, are you waiting for him to contact you? Or are you taking back charge of your life?

I'd like to, but feel unmotivated. Like there's no point to anything. My first marriage was disastrous and due to my own failure to take charge, I stayed when I should have left. The result of that decision? Never had children with a man who would have loved me.

It's a giant pity party right now. I have to get counseling and take back these last years. I know that.

BB,
Close your email account and get new phone number(s). Find someone to be your IM. Protect the part of yourself that has been traumatized by your two husbands. Stop internalizing and carrying on the abuse towards yourself. Exposing your wounds to your husband is too risky. His heart is "two-sizes-too-small." He's your Grinch.

Allow the healthy part of yourself to GROW. Please.

Are you waiting for him to contact you?

Honestly no I'm not Melody. He could do the silent treatment thing forever.

I just made an appointment with an IC to help me deal with this and get off my duff and into living again.