He could be calling me.
He could be emailing me with more affection.
I am getting nothing other than the short emails in response to mine.
I feel no lover or affection.
I am trying to understand...I really am. And I do know what it is like to be in a state of withdrawal.
I don't really know what to do next. He is not really saying he wants to talk to me. He is not really saying what he wants to do to work things out.
He filled out the two questionnaires, but has said nothing of the POJA.
I specifically asked him what his thoughts were on everything.
I don't want to push, but I don't know if he is "waiting" for me to do something.

In the past (which was actually a few days ago) he got angry because I didn't email him during our silent treatment. For example, he will get angry at me, say he has to go or hang up on me, then when we talk next, ask me why I didn't email him to at least say I loved him.

His emotional needs questionnaire indicates he needs A LOT of all types. He definitely is a self-professed needy person as far as reassurance goes.

Our last phone conversation ended with him demanding I apologize--me saying I could not do that--him saying "well I guess we are at a stand still"--me saying that I did not want to be at a standstill and I wanted to POJA a solution that would make us both happy--him saying he wouldn't do anything further until I apologized--I telling him that I would not contact him anymore until he was ready to have a respectful discussion about finding a solution to our conflict so that both of our needs were met--and him saying "i love you" sarcastically, and hanging up on me.

It was after this conversation that I sent the emails and have been getting his short responses. He is saying things like "the marriage is the most important thing" and that he loves me and wants to find a solution.

I certainly do not want to enable bad behavior.

I am really worried now of what to do.

I am looking forward to the phone call with the Harleys and have each day forwarded them updated information as it pertains to my situation.

I have limited my communication with H to just the email forwarding of marriage building information, as well as my own words about wanting to make it work.

It feels weird to not talk each day when we usually talk. It feels weird to not get any emails from him or more affectionate communication. This is not unusual behavior from him though. He inflicts the silent treatment--will ignore my attempts at communication--then when I finally do get through, demand I prove that I love him, apologize--and explain why I didn't email or call him during the silent treatment.

I feel like i'm losing my mind.

My call will be on the show this Friday!

I would have to agree...

Thank you very much. I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I feel like I am trying to help but I can see how I would be coming off.

@mustyrecord

what are you referring to specifically when you say "magical thinking?"

also, are you saying I am enabling H and having a pity party for myself?

Magical thinking is defined as the belief that an object, action or circumstance not logically related to a course of events can influence its outcome. If I read the Bible or pray things will be better (btw I believe in God). In other words, writing more emails can, given what we know about the principles of causal relations, have any direct effect on the probability of your marriage getting better. Those who live in hope of such a romance are engaging in magical thought and behaving irrationally.

To answer your question I think that you are enabling his abuse by emailing him.

you're right. i guess what i thought was my trying to be the "one spouse" can save a marriage is magical thinking in a way.
i guess he's so good at convincing me that i really have "abused" him as he says that i'm desperately searching for ways to get back in his good graces and know he loves me. its interesting, because he seems to be acting the EXACT way that his mother treated him growing up.
i haven't replied to his emails from yesterday.
I'm a little disappointed that in the absence of emailing him, ive received no communication from him. he could have called me to even see if i'm ok.
he communicates that he wants to work it out and that he loves me, but the's not actually making any attempts unless i initiate.
AND, i'm highly disturbed that nowhere in his communication does he indicated he is interested in what would make me happy...and he offers no apologies whatsoever for his behavior. Only that I've "turned on him" and that he feels I am "mentally abusing him."
I don't know what to do, but I will stop communicating with him.
I do not want to have my head in the clouds, and it is pretty clear that love alone will not get me through this one.
Thank you so much for your input.

It seems you are going from one extreme to another. Why not simply not talk about your marital woes/problems or 'relationship talk' for now and wait for advice from Dr Harley.

You could talk/email about other stuff. Make the conversation pleasant and friendly. You know, ask how is day was. Check in. If he tries to suck you into 'relationship talk' just say that you would like to keep the conversation enjoyable and you are worried about taking the conversation in that direction---because that is the truth.

If either of you starts up trying to 'read into' what the other is saying or not saying, I'm sure both of you will start to withdrawal or be tempted to love bust. The idea is neither you or your husband want to get into the mode of trying to straighten the other out.

Yes, as you hang around here you will learn about what goes into intimate communication and what does not work!

It is very typical that one spouse comes here and is more enthusiastic about fixing the marriage. I was one of those wives too. Its a very precarious spot to be in.

Your husband probably feels he is working just as hard as you are or more, but its you who is creating the uphill battle from his point of view!

Don't worry, this situation is also typical.

Its very easy to believe our perspective is the best perspective. Learning to understand one another is how we develop and maintain marital compatability.

I'm sorry all this is going on while your husband is deployed. The situation is hard enough. I consider myself lucky because when my husband was deployed over 30 years ago, we didn't have internet. I'd have to wait 10 days between letters! These days if you don't hear back in 5 minutes it a huge cause for worry!

Anyway, I hope I didn't cause you additional worry in the sense you decided to cut all communication after I suggested you are lecturing him and he is upset by that.

It seems what Dr Harley calls "the taker" is welling up in you to protect your "giver." Probably because you have offered so much of yourself and perceived you were helping your marriage thrive in these tough times. And now your taker is in charge and upset that your husband does not appreciate it and in fact his taker is upset and in charge too! Its this dynamic that is easy to fall into when married and its this I was cautioning you to avoid. ie Taker vs Taker = lose/lose dynamic.

Think about how much fun you had when you first met and have the kind of conversations you enjoyed back then. What does your husband like to talk about? (I do appreciate your husband is not asking about how you are.) While his taker is in charge and while your taker is in charge neither of you are going to get too far. That's why I said you need help to "reboot" to go forward. I'm sure Dr Harley will be very helpful when you go on the radio.

And check out Dr Harley's "Lovebusters" book. He talks about this dynamic in detail.

Socrates was the wisest, according to the Wise men, because he was aware of his own ignorance. This is why Socrates' method is not concerned with deriving the correct answer to a question, but with exposing the ignorance of the person who takes part in a dialogue or conversation. Questions were Socrates' power. His carefully crafted and seemingly not harmful or offensive queries would lead to the eventual mental implosion of the participant. So you think you know what justice is, eh? Let me ask you a few questions.

Identifying questions that lead into power struggles is much harder to do. These questions often come in rapid succession as someone begins to escalate into a crisis. Repetition of the question is a key indicator of the intention combined with other information and body language, tone, etc. An example would be, "Why do you get to do that and I don't?" or simply an endless chain of "Why?"

Why does H take this approach? Because it works. H has success using power struggles to manipulate you into getting what he want. Your H will probably engage in power struggles to avoid doing something. Initiating power struggle is a learned behavior that seems employed by H even though he's not aware of it.

Upon reading H's email I realized that he is responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem. Further emails to improve a failing marriage is futile.

Please read this thread if you haven't already done so:

What to do with an Angry Husband

In addition to what Prisca has mentioned above. Will your H listened to these?
Anger Management 101

Your husband's anger needs to be the first problem addressed. Dr. Harley makes it very clear that there is no hope for a marriage in which angry outbursts occur. If your marriage is to survive, these angry outbursts will need to be completely eliminated.

Is your husband willing to completely eliminate them? Does he blame you for his anger?

Dr. Harley on Angry Outbursts:

Hi Prisca,
My H is not responsive to attempts to identify an anger problem.
He blames me for his anger in a sense that he believes I "know" what makes him upset, and therefore he feels I should not be surprised when he gets "angry."
To paraphrase, he says he doesn't understand why I am "surprised" that he gets angry because I make him "angry" then turn around and tell him he has an "anger" problem. I try to be respectful and pleasant and say "i understand his perspective," and tell him I do not want to commit a love buster, so I ask him specifically what it is that I do that makes him angry. He tells me that I "lecture" him and act as if I don't do anything wrong. The latter accusation is because I am doing reading (like here on MB) and trying to share with him some of those ideas and practices...I remain calm while he escalates, and he interprets my "sharing" of information as lecturing him...and my calmness (and asking him not to commit DJs, SD, and AOs of his ) as my acting "innocent." You can see how this vicious cycle starts. Sometimes, the conflicts start because of an "honesty" issue he has with my job...that he has a hypersensitivity to any male interaction I may have whatsoever...even if it is simply with my boss (who is a male), customers (who may be male) and co-workers that I supervise (who may be male). No matter how much information I share about what goes on at my job...at the end of the day, I am professional and respectful...but he is convinced that men are looking at me and that I am at working forming emotional attachments when he should be the only one I want attention from. I do not "want attention" from males, but he is "convinced" that I do....even though he is not here and has no substantial evidence...he is convinced. His repeated accusations (that are often times disrespectful and demeaning to me) get overwhelming and sometimes more than I can bear. So, I get upset....and he just keeps after me. I've learned to control my AO whereas before he would "interrogate" me so badly that I would end up crying. This would make him angrier...when all I would be doing is asking him to stop being "mean" to me..cursing...using DJs, SDs, and having AOs of his own. I told him I'd tell him everything in the world and figure out a way for him to be happy and trust me...but we had to do it pleasantly and calmly. It's the anger and meanness from him that kills me.

When he doesn't feel like he's getting what he wants and his way, he starts demanding that I say I'm sorry (even if I've not really done anything wrong) and if I don't do that, then I get hung up on and get the silent treatment until I can convince him that I love him and take responsibility for what I did to make him angry.

I'm in the middle of silent treatment right now. As I mentioned in previous posts within this thread, I've emailed him all the information on POJA, successful negotiation, Lovebusters, basic concepts, etc....but have been told a number of different approaches and getting mixed signals..some say stop emailing him this stuff because i'm coming off like I'm "lecturing" him again...and trying to "fix him." So I did. He was somewhat responsive to the questionnaires...filled them out and sent them to me. He asked me if I filled mine out (which I thought was odd) and I was very nervous to send him the lovebusters questionnaire, so i just sent the emotional needs which seemed less "complaining" on my part. I have been getting "thank yous" from my emails...and he's been closing with "I love you" but for the most part, the emails have been short and rigid.

I participated this past Friday on the MB radio with Joyce and Dr. Harley. Most of the focus was on that my husband needs to not deploy..which I get, but I can't make him come home or find a new job. Right, I'm struggling with even getting communication with him. The fact is, he does not initiate contact with me. If I don't email, he doesn't contact me. And, when he does reply, its very unaffectionate and cold.

From what I've read, he does seem to be in a state of withdrawal. He has been somewhat responsive...has stated via email that this marriage "is the most important thing" to him, that he is "willing to compromise," and that he loves me. Beyond that, there is nothing else. I initially asked him to let me know when he was ready to negotiate without lovebusters...and work on a POJA. I have yet to get a response.

My biggest questions...which I don't feel I got clear direction on in my phone call with the Harleys...is, how long do I wait? Will this silent treatment go on forever? He will be gone for 6 more months. If I don't get communication from him...do I continue to email him...even if its just to say I love you??

I do not want to think "magically" as some have suggested.
I do not want to "enable" his behavior that is destructive.
I can't make him see that he has an anger management problem...or that his anger is hurting us. He has to want to face it himself.
I can't make him see that stonewalling me is hurting me. He will respond with "well what about me? what about how you're/this is hurting me." Or, he will tell me I am "playing the victim."

Truth is, every day that goes by without him showing me kindness and love is pushing me away.

I have tried to "love unconditionally" as some sources are telling me...the Christian way...love your spouse just as Jesus loves us...even when we are un-lovable...but I have to say, it is incredibly hard...and I feel its breaking my spirit.

I am trying to "do the right thing" no matter what....but with our short marital history, his leaving 3 months after our marriage and choosing to take an additional 6 months deployment after i was told he'd only be gone 6 months...we are losing our first year of marriage...and we are also in conflict...not a good recipe for success....he's causing damage that I fear is irrepairable.

I'm trying not to be resentful...but it's building up inside me.

Hi mustyrecord,
this is very interesting information. thank you for sharing.
ive stopped sending educational material (MB information) to him, sharing any advice (which he perceives as me "lecturing"), or attempting to "work on the marriage." He has responded via email with a "thank you" for sending it, but he has not acted on any of the information or agreed to negotiate with me or draft a POJA. He is not initiating much of anything. Despite stating in his email that the marriage "is the most important thing," that he is "willing to compromise," and despite closing every email with "i love you," he is not really communicating how he wants to move forward, and his emails are very short and rigid.
I'm discovering that if I don't initiate contact, he does not contact me.
I'm not really sure what the future holds, but I feel that you are right...future emails from me will prove futile.

I don't think I can get him to listen to anything right now.
He is in a state of withdrawal and will not come out.
I have no idea what he is thinking, and he will not share it with me.
He doesn't not communicate with me..won't call me, return my calls, and his email replies are very delayed and very short and rigid.
He will most certainly receive any suggestion from me that he has a "problem" that needs to be addressed incredibly negatively.

Will he listen to the clips where Dr. Harley speaks about Anger management? Dr. Harley makes it clear that "no one makes us mad".

Write the Harleys back and let them know.

Does your husband have a bad temper directed toward other sources besides you? Perhaps documenting those AO's that have nothing to do with you might demonstrate to him how he is choosing to respond to all of his frustrations with anger. Dr. Harley says that he became convinced that he had an anger problem when he found himself damaging his car to punish it for making him angry.

**edit**

Moderators note: don't disrupt this thread anymore with personal philosophies. The purpose of this forum is to assist this poster with Marriage Builders.