I am very relieved that you have contacted an IC. Hopefully this person can help you walk out of this fire and take charge of your life. You are such a kind, dear lady who deserves so much better.

Because you are depressed, you don't tend to see solutions. We see your future as BRIGHT without him. Without him, you have a chance to meet a man who will treat you with love and care.[when you are not married, of course] With him, your life would be more of the same misery at the hands of an uncaring clod.

I'm proud of you for forging a new path and getting into a IC. Therapy and AD will be a good thing.

The old way of holding onto false hope to avoid your circumstances is no longer beneficial or sustainable as an adult with responsibilities to yourself and your family (Mom).

BB,

Please heed this.

thanks Brainhurts.

I'm trying to adjust my thinking but it's hard. Everything has a trigger. I guess that's the way it will be for awhile.

When is your IC appointment?

What have you done for yourself?

I'm arranging to get a dog through a rescue site, and have been visiting with family.

However I still feel quite depressed and hopeless, even on meds. which I don't think are working. The worst feeling is sleeping alone again and having no one to talk to in the am and at night, when my anxiety really rises.

Then I have to force myself to think about how my H would never talk to me at night in bed anyway, as he felt bed had only two purposes: sex and sleep. So I guess in a way I was alone even with him there.

He has never reached out to me and I feel sick at the thought of contacting him now, as I feel he will just level some kind of hurtful cold response at me, which will only add to my pain. I know he left his other marriages and never looked back, his only concern being how much support he would have to pay. He still resents paying child support for his kids.

Sorry for going on a rant and thanks so much for your concern and support. This has helped me more than you can know.

cheers BB

IC appt is next week.

Is your doctor working on your ADs by either changing them or changing the dosage?

See just the little time that you've been NC with him you're already seeing him for what he really is. You see how alone you were with him because of his neglect and abuse to you.

It will get better, my friend. Stay with your personal recovery.

Yes, I see how much he neglected me, but he would turn around and say I neglected him for not trying hard enough in the SF department, not wearing dresses etc. Although I guess some of this is controlling behavior and his way of making me prove my devotion to him.

Anyway, it is what it is and I can't do a thing about it now except move on as he obviously has.

I will be seeing doctor end of week.

Yes, you CAN do something about it. You can manage your own personal recovery. You can heal yourself. You can build a healthy, happy, fulfilling life. You can have joy. Genuine, heart-pounding, laughing-out-loud, turning-cartwheels, can't-sit-still joy.

Trust the process. Follow the plan. Continue to wade through these deep waters. You are already stronger than you were a week ago, a month ago.

As you are getting stronger, you are seeing that life with your H was not the rose-coloured dream you painted it to be. This will continue to become even more apparent to you as you heal and grow.

You have lived in the dark place. You are on the pathway out. Climbing out IS painful. Change is uncomfortable. But you can do it. Your new life awaits you.

thank you

Isn't it nice to be away from all the criticism though? Granted, it doesn't feel all that great while the whipping wounds are still howling, but give it a minute.

As a wayward, my ex had very similar behaviours to the ones you describe. Almost exactly. (The symptoms of NPD and waywardism as I've seen it in real life and on these boards are eerily similar. Also, the diagnoses of NPD are usually of adults and they are said to grow out of it in old age; funny huh? I'm tempted to think it is a misdiagnosis of selfish waywards but I won't as I am not a shrink)

Anyway it got the point where I couldn't close a door quietly without getting yelled at for making noise. If I drove with him in the car he'd criticise my driving to the point I'd become a nervous wreck. He started giving me point by point instructions like I was a learner driver. I couldn't have even dreamed of laughing in my own home without it being taken the wrong way (Not that this was much of an issue).

I keep my ear to the ground, so I knew he was praising (or bragging about) my looks to others. However to my face; my appearance was never good enough. He actually critiqued the way I had plucked my eyebrows one day. I had left some little blonde hairs below the arch. This was at my grandmother's funeral when I was crying in the doorway of the church. I had gone all out for her too - pearls, an up-do and a slim black shift dress.

When I drew my line in the sand about the future of our marriage, he left in a furious high dudgeon saying he was done with me forever and I would regret losing him. I think he mentioned the fact he hadn't spoken to his brother for seven years (for a silly reason and he was most proud of how this showed his resolve in bullying others). Did he think he would struggle to cut me out too? My unspoken response was A) I truly did not care and b) of course he would get back in touch. They all do. Of course he did get back in touch. I had to block his contact numerous times because I was happier with him gone.

I had friends, plans, lifestyle changes - things that were not possible to give my all to with him around. This happiness was long before I even attempted to start dating.

All I will say is; give it a minute. Silence can be golden.

Thanks Indie:

I do not know why I feel so heartsick -- like I've lost my dearest treasure. In reality he didn't treat me like that when he was making me feel inadequate about SF, telling me I couldn't eat a garlic roll unless he ate one too (he hated garlic so I ended up giving up), rolling eyes at me or making loud sighs, or withdrawing in silence when I went to visit my ailing mom (his attitude was "you should be here but because you're not I'm going to punish you by withdrawing contact.") About 60% of his behavior was either cruel or neglectful and he always could out distance me in any discussion so I ended up feeling shaken and out of it.

These are signs of NPD, as are the "discard" he is doing now - no contact, maybe even changed his phone numbers, blocked on FB and Skype.

At least I can get a dog now. Having a dog with him would have been impossible and probably would have been one more reason for him to discard me.

Oh well.

It's normal. I was the same and so are most Plan Bers.

You hold on to that promised future you once had through so much ensuing garbage, it really, really does hurt and cause grieving when you have to let go. On top of the loss, you feel like a fool and the present isn't much to compare to the promised land because you haven't built anything of your own yet.

For me, Dr H said I would feel better in Plan B and by that point I knew enough to believe whatever he said. He had been right about OS friends when I had thought he was wrong. He had been right about everything.

So when I was weeping about losing my first and only love and walking around in lead boots, I just figured he was right about Plan B too.

He absolutely was. If Plan B had feet, I would kiss them in gratitude. I'm starting a new career, one I thought out of reach, because of it. I have a boyfriend who only ever has kind words and helpful hands for me. I have extraordinary friends and nothing shakes me at all these days.

Give it time.

I've seen this cheap trick a million times. Please keep a wary eye on the horizon for attacks on your Plan B peace!

You get out there right now and play with some puppies on a few 'research' missions. I cannot think of a better Plan B activity!

Exactly!

I caution against diagnosing him with disorders.
When I first came to MB, I thought my ex wife may have a disorder....after being here and listening to Dr. harley's radio program, I believe most people can change habits and that wayward fog accounts for much of the bizarre behavior

I agree with Jedi.

The "why he did these things" thought thread is irrelevant. BB, just focus on what will be good for YOU today. How about a walk outside? If you don't have your new puppy yet, how about swinging by the local dog shelter and taking one or two of those in need for a walk around the block?

Thanks for your concern, but I'm still really devastated. I can't believe he can be so cruel. He seems to have blocked me everywhere and is not picking up the phone - at least I wanted to know about where we go next? Nothing. Next he'll probably change phone numbers.

I don't know what's going to happen to me now. I feel like there's no where to go. Yes, I'm still looking into getting a dog but there's no sense of anticipation. I'm going to be an old lady alone with her pets and H is on to the next conquest.