Hello MB,

Synopsis:
My girlfriend (baby momma) and I are a young couple who have been together for four years:
> girlfriend 21 years old
> daughter 3 years old
> myself 24 years old

We have grown apart since my daughter was born due to my strenuous schedule. I have been attending college full-time pursuing an engineering degree, while working 24-40 hours a week. I understand that my schedule did not foster a lifestyle that met her emotional needs (EN?), which has caused her to become my pseudo wayward wife (WW?). However, I have acquired new employment that has allowed me to rebuild our relationship.

The other man (OM) and her relationship was a very EA ("soul mate"), and without her admitting - it was a PA as well. BUT! What makes my situation very unique and fortunate is that he is now in custody at a local jail (convicted of attempted murder). I thank God everyday for this blessing not only for my sake, but my daughter's well-being. He was not an abusive type of guy, however, he was not exactly the role model type (Ahem... the way my waytard has come to believe).

Current Situation:
I am executing Plan A (PA) and have taken advantage of his absence. We have spent more time in the last two weeks then we have probably spent in the entire last year. In addition, we have been trying new recreational activities and date experiences. She seems to be warming up to me very (i mean very) slowly, but I think she will eventually turn around.

Other Plan A details:
> weekly counseling
> exercise
> scheduling her/me time
> listen/conversation

At the same time, she is still confused about whether she wants to reconcile with me (i.e. she doesn't want to choose between me and OM). My WW is still maintaining contact with him through phone and mail. I believe she is hopeful that he will get out, but we all know he will be gone for at least 10-15 years minimum.

So my question is regarding the Plan A (PA) phase...

? The OM and her relationship is eminently doomed, and I don't feel like I am in a position to make demands at this moment. So, should I give her the space to let the affair die its natural death? My instinct tells me that she will just keep lying and maintain contact at this point anyways.

? Her lack of affection/sympathy/remorse/maintaining contact is very discouraging, and I know that I should expect this type of response. How could I keep myself calm during these situations? She seems to become uncomfortable when I confront her calmly regarding emotional issues.

There's a lot of other things to discuss, but this seems to sum up most of the relevant information. If I let out any information, please post questions/concerns that I left out.

Thank you MB community!

Why have you never married?

Just because he's in jail doesn't mean that its over.
They can visit each other.
I don't think they will let them have sex in prison visits unless they are married though.

He might try to get her to marry him just for that reason, especially if he's going to be locked up for 15 years. It would be nice to have booty calls over that time period.

Michael, Dr. Harley (the founder of MB, clinical psychologist and author of more than 19 books) would probably encourage you to read the book Buyers Renters Freeloaders.

Have you read any of his books?

Please read.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Thanks for the support MBers!

To BrainHurts: Why have we not married?
We were dating about 3 months when she got pregnant and our relationship was strong through pregnancy. So, we always entertained the idea of marriage and I still intend to marry her after this nightmare is over. I did not want to give her a shotgun wedding and have her feel like we married solely due to a child.

To Jedi:
I am concerned about their communication, and understand that I can still lose her to him or anyone else for that matter. That is why I have put myself in the stages of Plan A, but for the duration of PA... I am not sure what is the appropriate action to take. My conception of PA is basically courting her until Plan B is implemented in which I will stand my ground and say enough is enough.

I believe deep down inside, she really wants us to work. She has been very open to counseling and spending time together, but my 3 years of negligence has created a strong barrier between us. She actually seems happier then she has been in a long time, and has been less reluctant to undress with me present. However, that may be due to her satisfying her all of her emotional needs with OM and myself.

Most eloquently, should I stop concerning myself with the communication until Plan B? Put my focus on Acting, then Reacting at this point? The cat has only been out of the bag for 3-4 weeks now.

To Brain & Jedi:
I have read SAA and every Q&A column about infidelity on MB, but I am not quite sure how Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders will be helpful in my situation. I will read it again, but would you summarize the main idea?

Is it putting my relationship with her in retrospect?

Yes. Court her till you win her. Make yourself irreplaceable.
Since you have a child together, you have an advantage other men do not. There is logic to her staying with you, the father of her child.

Court her. Win her. Then marry her.

Michael,
Plan A and Plan B are designed specifically for affairs in marriage and they would not apply to you.
You can use the concepts to help win her over, but I wouldn't refer to those actions as Plan A or Plan B.

Surviving An Affair does not apply to your situation. You can use the concepts to help you, but the plans are specifically designed for marriages.

The book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders explains the different types of relationships.
In your case, you are in a renter type relationship. Renters don't make lifelong commitments (Don't be offended, I was married and a renter myself!)
The book will help you explain how to lay the foundation of a lifelong relationship.

Thank you for the suggested reading and explaining how it may apply to my situation. I have purchased the book and began reading it.

I will try to post some ideas from the book and apply them to my personal experiences!

That's a good idea.

I was reading buyers, renters, and freeloaders (BRF), a particular section really caught my eye -- "not on the same page". It discusses the dynamics of a buyer-freeloader relationship, and that most B-F relationships are remnants of buyer-buyer relationships. Harley mentions that after the affair is over and if I am (the betrayed spouse) can hang in there, then we have a good chance of recovery assuming she was a buyer previously. I have a lot of anxiety with the uncertainty of the direction of my family. Any words of encouragement or wisdom to deal with this issue?

Here are some updates on my progress:

> Establishing Recreation

We have established a recreational activity we both enthusiastically enjoy together. She had always talked about practicing yoga (last 3 years) and never took the initiative. So, I took action and bought us classes and she said, "This is the most fun I have had all year (2013-present)." Furthermore, during counseling she said that it was not only a experience she enjoyed, but an experience she would like to continue enjoying with me.

> Establishing Affection

We discussed what types of affection that made her feel uncomfortable at our current state of the relationship, and I have become more sensitive to her comfort zone. I massage her feet while we watch t.v. or when she's painting nails, and I believe she really enjoys the attention. At least we are starting somewhere right?

> Establishing Undivided Attention

I never noticed how busy our household was... we live with her parents, younger brother, uncle, and not too long ago her older brother and his girlfriend. So, I am making an effort for us to grab dinner or a coffee once a week to give ourselves time away from the craziness to give each other the attention that we both need. So, tonight I took her to a coffee house we both have never been to. There was a table that gave us a little privacy and it was far enough so that we can smoke without disturbing other patrons. She texted me to show her appreciation and that she enjoyed her time with me, but what really struck me out was that she called me about 5 minutes after her text to make sure that I received her message (I didn't text her back right away because I was working on some homework).

Another thing that surprised today was that I went out to smoke by myself, and she came out and asked if something was bothering me. I asked her why and she replied, "Well, you always wait for me." I think she is starting to get used to the attention that I have been providing her for the past month.

> I need an opinion on this ...

At the current state of our relationship, she gets uncomfortable when we discuss issues regarding our relationship. That's a real love-buster because I think it is an annoying habit to her. I have finally caught myself up emotionally, and stopped doing that. However, I believe that she is holding resentment from my neglectful behavior when she was a buyer and I was a freeloader. So, I have been trying to emotionally connect with her by apologizing to her about that issue without going any further than that. Do you guys think she appreciates this effort or should put a stop in apologizing (maybe ~3-4 times randomly a week).

Drawn out realtionship talk is bad for any relationship. You should learn how to deal with any complaints swiftly and easily and put the focus on action not words.

When you do have time to talk help each other out with OTHER problems, and provide interesting conversation and affection. It's great to talk about your problems but do not harp on about your problems with each other!

Indie,

Actions speak louder than words. Most definitely!

Thanks for the reminder.

I feel that you should separate from her, move out of the parents house, find a means to get housing, continue dating and ask her to marry you (if she is willing to be a buyer).

Cohabitation before marriage is a predictor of divorce and bad habits. I don't think you can change these while continuing to live together.

I think that is what Dr. Harley would recommend; You can always email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.
Tell him your story, briefly and include your name and phone number. He will reply or may see if you want to be on his show so he can help you better.

I would be interested to hear the answer. Right now, their DD3 is with both of them full time, and Mike is able to go to school and work because others in the house are taking care of the house responsibilities. If Mike were to move out, it would be at the expense of FC time with his daughter. And you don't know how the example of the others in the house are compared to vil. They raised Mike's SO to be okay with a boyfriend in jail for murder. I wouldn't want him to leave the baby with people like that.

Mike, are you done with class for the semester? Maybe you could move out and bring your DD3 with you? And her mom would be free to come visit and have dinner and weekends with you all, and watch the baby at your place where it would be quieter, and just go back home to her family after DD goes to bed?

He would need to consult an attorney.
An unmarried man has No parental rights unless he establishes them in court.

Thanks for the reply guys.

I hear your concerns about my daughter, but the family is just as surprised as I am about the OM. They are a very supportive family with a strong sense of morals. My girlfriend's parents would have been ready to thrown her out if the OM is not where he is today. Lastly, my girlfriend's poor decisions reflect how often affairs are driven by a romantic fantasy that never have to face reality.

I want to get everyone to understand that I am currently in Plan A, and want to focus the feedback in this direction. I need to plant the seed to show her that I can provide for her emotional needs. PA has begun about a month ago, but effective implementation has been ongoing two weeks. In summary, PA is merely in its infancy and too early to abandon.

Plan B is certainly in my mind, but from my readings from Dr. H and other MBs posts, the best thing to do is stay at 'home' where our daughter lives. Why should I have to vacate where we have considered home for the last 4 years? Perhaps I am being overly hopeful about the situation, however, I do think we are making progress. Dr. H recommends at least 6 months if betrayed spouse can survive, and to extend PA given that progress is made.

I believe my last post is a little to soft for the forums to expand on my situation. I will try to dig up some dirt worth discussing! I will try to write Dr. H about my story next weekend, back to the grind on Monday

Thanks MB

I am a little confused here, as Dr. Harley would not recommend these plans to a young cheating girlfriend. I get that you guys have a child, an unplanned plan pregnancy when she was 17, I'm not sure these plans are right for you. Can you email Dr. Harley?

He probably wouldn't call it Plan A/Plan B, but Dr.Harley has advised unmarried men to pursue their cheating girlfriends when there has been children involved. It looks a lot like Plan A.