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I would also make your profile picture a good picture of you, your wife and your children. Done. Do I need to pay $1 for each message? He has like over 700 friends. Not sure which people to target. I want to make sure the first one goes to OMW though.
BH
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I would also make your profile picture a good picture of you, your wife and your children. Done. Do I need to pay $1 for each message? He has like over 700 friends. Not sure which people to target. I want to make sure the first one goes to OMW though. No, just prioritize with omw, parents, family, married military and then military. Put anyone who has commented or liked his posts at the top also. Maybe 60-100 people. You must pay a $1 per pm.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just making sure you read this in my exposure thread: The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, �I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!� �I cannot trust you� �You have to pack and leave!!� �You have ruined any chance you had!!� Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don�t laugh, don�t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don�t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!
The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.
Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?" smile
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just making sure you read this in my exposure thread: The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, �I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!� �I cannot trust you� �You have to pack and leave!!� �You have ruined any chance you had!!� Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don�t laugh, don�t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don�t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!
The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.
Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?" smile I have heard all of these things already. They are really getting old. The conversations are already pretty brutal how much worse can it get?
BH
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I have heard all of these things already. They are really getting old. The conversations are already pretty brutal how much worse can it get? That's fine. Just wanted you to be prepared. The angry reaction of a wayward to exposure usually terrifies most BS's.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OK. I need some help after talking to the WW tonight she asked me to outline a plan tonight for reconciliation. She agreed to give me access to all of her accounts ect. To prove to me that she has had NC with OM. I really want to believe her. It was a really rough night with the kids. She is still very hesitant on moving home and suggested maybe we take it slow and do one night a week to start with and go from there. She is still making comments that are out there. This is all so exhausting. She actually used my terminology that she is tired of going back and forth to two ends of the spectrum and tired of being in "limbo" and that we need a plan. I continued to use phrases like im sorry you feel that way when she spoke about our past and it was stuff that was extremely exaggerated. And emphasized that I wanted to build a loving marriage with her and that our relationship and family are the most important things.
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I would order the book Surviving an Affair and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love and follow the plans in there. Basically the plan looks like this - the goal is to affair proof the marriage AND to create a romantic, passionate marriage where you both are happy: The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. <snip> After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. <snip>
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I continued to use phrases like im sorry you feel that way when she spoke about our past and it was stuff that was extremely exaggerated. WHAT are her main complaints?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And you should expose as planned to the OM's facebook contacts as we discussed earlier.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[quote=MelodyLane]I would order the book Surviving an Affair and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love and follow the plans in there. Basically the plan looks like this - the goal is to affair proof the marriage AND to create a romantic, passionate marriage where you both are happy:
I have both books and also HNHN and LB's. Both myself and WW have read Surviving an Affair. The workbook is sitting on my counter.
BH
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I continued to use phrases like im sorry you feel that way when she spoke about our past and it was stuff that was extremely exaggerated. WHAT are her main complaints? All we do is fight. I dont care about her feelings. I never defend her. I dont talk to her the way she wants me to, I dont look at her the way she wants me to. She does not like anything that I do and she assumes that I do not like anything that she does. And when she sums it up in a nutshell she says basically I need to change everything about myself.
BH
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[
I have both books and also HNHN and LB's. Both myself and WW have read Surviving an Affair. The workbook is sitting on my counter. Great!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I continued to use phrases like im sorry you feel that way when she spoke about our past and it was stuff that was extremely exaggerated. WHAT are her main complaints? All we do is fight. I dont care about her feelings. I never defend her. I dont talk to her the way she wants me to, I dont look at her the way she wants me to. She does not like anything that I do and she assumes that I do not like anything that she does. And when she sums it up in a nutshell she says basically I need to change everything about myself. The sounds like the things a typical man needs to work on in a marriage. Don't tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way" - that's brushing off her concerns. Instead, use Marriage Builders to learn how to stop fighting to her and talking to her in ways that she doesn't like.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Stop fighting I dont care about her feelings. Start demonstrating care. Start defending her. I dont talk to her the way she wants me to, Start talking to her the way she likes. I dont look at her the way she wants me to. Start looking at her the way she wants. She does not like anything that I do Then stop it. and she assumes that I do not like anything that she does. This may be true. If so, she should stop doing things you don't like. And when she sums it up in a nutshell she says basically I need to change everything about myself. Ask her to tell you where to start.... And then get to work!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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FC, since you and your wife are such brawlers, I would sit down and pore over the first 5 chapters of Lovebusters while you are affair proofing your marriage. Your lovebusters on both sides have made your marriage a horrible place. The faster you can eliminate your lovebusters, the faster you can fall in love again.
I bet the OM does not fight with her so when you do that, you just make that dirtbag look good!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have been trying to do all of those things ... Almost like she doesn't even notice I'm trying to not have any expectations of her at the moment but that is very difficult to grasp. And to clarify a little bit ... if we talk at all we are "fighting", I have demonstrated care for her feelings (deffinately still need to improve on this as most of her feelings revolve around OM in a positive light and me in a negative one), I have been continuously defending her she normaly does not see it however I refuse to defend her when it comes to the affair (she made the choice to do that and I will not condone it in any way), as far as the talking with her goes I have changed my tone especially when she starts pushing buttons (I am under the impression she just wants me to agree with everything she does/says and everything should be the way she wants it at least that is how it comes across), not really sure how to tackle the whole look thing (her attitude mixed with these horrible images that I just cant seem to block out) but I am trying, I have stopped a lot of the things I use to do over the years for her and am willing to stop others once we move forward with a plan (I dont really do much of anything now other than work and take care of my kids). Sorry for the rant just putting some of it out there.
BH
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FC, since you and your wife are such brawlers, I would sit down and pore over the first 5 chapters of Lovebusters while you are affair proofing your marriage. Your lovebusters on both sides have made your marriage a horrible place. The faster you can eliminate your lovebusters, the faster you can fall in love again.
I bet the OM does not fight with her so when you do that, you just make that dirtbag look good! I will get to reading the LB book tonight. I believe you are right the OM does not fight with her. However on that 6+ hour phone conversation I listened to he cut her off more than 20 times. She has a huge issue when I do this however when he did it ... it was like it never happened. I even said something about it after the fact and she defended him. It makes me feel like I am going nuts sometimes.
BH
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The sounds like the things a typical man needs to work on in a marriage. Don't tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way" - that's brushing off her concerns. Instead, use Marriage Builders to learn how to stop fighting to her and talking to her in ways that she doesn't like. OK I will try harder.
BH
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I have stopped a lot of the things I use to do over the years for her and am willing to stop others once we move forward with a plan (I dont really do much of anything now other than work and take care of my kids). Sorry for the rant just putting some of it out there. What are the things you did that annoyed her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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