Have you signed up for the online program?

No. I don't think dh will want to do that with him being unemployed.

What about writing Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Well, in my case we had sex less than 10 times a year.
Irregardless, he enjoys the golfing more than the time with you...it may be the most enjoyable part of his day.

The goal is to spend the most enjoyable activities TOGETHER, making love bank deposits while doing so

Yes he definitely does. He comes home happy. I feel badly taking that from him since I'm so sick all the time. On the other hand I wonder how much better I might feel if we had a great marriage.

Dr. Harley says that our MOST enjoyable hours of the week should be with our spouse. He suggests strongly that until that happens, our individual recreational activities should cease, even though each spouse greatly enjoys those activities.

Marriages that don't follow the POJA usually turn out to be very disappointing. Have you presented the POJA to your H and ask if he's willing to live that way?

He has had some introduction to it but we haven't discussed POJA in great detail yet. When I did bring up that he might need to quit golfing, at least until we were having lots of quality time, he said that he would be the only one giving up anything since I don't do much and then said that's like him asking me to quit spending time with our grand kids, which he knows I enjoy greatly. I said I would quit that if it was interfering with improving our marriage and he said no, it wouldn't be fair for him to ask me that. I asked him why he couldn't also participate more when our grandbabies are here, as I'd appreciate the quality family time. He said he feels like he does and he does some, but again it goes back to him being in his office most of the time. I don't think he likes the noise.

I think he just needs to read the books in order to understand the full concept, as I don't want to be the one to "educate" him.

Yes I may do that. Thank you.

Dh does not put much stock in Dr H's program. He says that it is unrealistic for us to have that much UA time with our big family, plus if we need a program then it's too mechanical and we must be almost gone anyway. He thinks if we can fix our communication, that would be a huge step in fixing everything else.

He says that I don't really listen to him, I misunderstand him most of the time and rush ahead of him. From my end I do see some of that but feel I've developed an aversion to talking because I can't do things right and am trying to avoid more criticism. I have been trying to slow down and listen and ask questions when I don't understand. However, I find myself not all that motivated. I feel as if I have to perform perfectly before he will ever start to meet my needs. When I bring up UA time he says I'm just trying to get my own way and I can't get off of talking about this "program". Feeling hopeless.

Also, we had been at least going out to dinner once a week but he has now taken that away. Says it's boring and until we can communicate better it's useless anyway.

Nearly30years, I would write Dr Harley as has been suggested and let him help you. He will likely suggest that you separate from your husband. I suspect many of your health problems stem from the poor treatment you have received from your husband.

The funny thing is, even people with small families or no children make the same excuses. Dr. Harley has worked with couples with well over ten children. The children are best off if the marriage is prioritized.


Well, that's the point - this is what you do to save a marriage that's almost gone.

He's about to lose you - doesn't that instill some sort of panic in him? I would think he would be VERY motivated to follow this program to win you back.


Really it should be the other way around. Maybe not so strenuous, but if he wants to retain the benefits of marriage, he ought to be making an effort to meet his wife's emotional needs.


Well, of course you are - what's wrong with that? Everybody ought to get what they need out of marriage. This is what married people do - they meet each other's emotional needs (which are usually quite different between men and women and from individual to individual). If this wasn't going to happen in marriage, what was the point of getting married? We might as well all be monks and let the human race go extinct.


He needs to see the program as a big favor to him - men are losing their wives all the time for neglect like this and don't understand why, and frequently they have no chance to win her back at all. The program is a road map to win you back.

Dr. Harley's recommendation when a husband is thius uncaring is that you prepare for a separation as a last ditch effort - frequently good marriages happen because a wife set the bar very high, and her husband rose to the occasion. The alternative is usually horrendous for women and children.

I think you need to write Dr. Harley on his radio show, and while you are waiting for him to respond, read through these two articles:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit2.html