Hello MB, I have not been on here in quite a while but I continue to read and listen to the radio as much as I can.

You can look up my post in SAA to know where I am coming from. Now to get to the point.

We have been in the process of Recovery for 8 months, and although things are much better than they have been in the past, I am feeling hopeless and unsure if I want to continue with my H.

I believed we were recovering, all EP's were in place, NC at all, and spending alone time every week. Even SF had improved! Now, for the last month things have gone downhill for us, but I am not so scared anymore because I have joined a church and believe God is allowing me to heal.

It all began when I miscarried 3 weeks ago, I thought we both wanted this baby, but now I am unsure because of the things my H has said and done since my MC. I discovered he had looked at some Kama Sutra and other sexual images, including Asian (he had A with Japanese OW so it really hurt), and confronted him about it, to which he replied it was for us. I told him he should have spoken to me about it if he wanted to experiment etc. Well I called him while he was working, and that night he did not come home. He stayed out drinking and I had no idea where he was, until my cousin called me and let me know he was sleeping there because he was drunk (H and inlaw work together). I was beyond hurt and angry and reacted that way the day after.

He apologized and started working on MB again, which I admit had started falling behind because of my schoolwork and internship. Now a week from then, Thursday, he once again does it but comes home. He comes in saying he was not sure if wanted to be with me anymore but he thinks God was telling him to come home because he kept picturing me in his head and he wants to turn his life around.

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't believe anything from him anymore!

Now last night, all week had been great and amazing, he even talked about wanting to dedicate his life to Christ. Well he had to work on short notice and did not come home until 9. He called me and said to put his things outside because he drank and I had told him if he drank again he was out. Well he starts yelling at me and talking OW, talking about the past, bringing up anything and everything. To end this, he then tells me that he did indeed miss her (he had denied this before), and revealed more from the A, which I had not asked because I'm tired of hearing about it and hurting! I want to heal, and I know God will help me!

I did not react to anything he said, but like always when he's drunk, he wanted SF. I was half asleep and did not finish and neither did he. I ignored him all last night because I did not want to have AO or cause more problems, especially with someone intoxicated spewing out hurtful thing after hurtful thing. He threatened to leave me so many times, said he does not want to work things out, he wants to be accepted as is etc. He even left me voicemail saying those things.

All day today he has been in contact with me and telling me he loves me and checking in on me, but I just don't feel it. I think I am done trying to work on us. It hurts a lot because I have been trying and getting my hopes up, only to be let down. I would rather have one large pain of our separation, than him give me hopes then tarnish them.

I know there is no OW, the cell is now under my name and I check it daily. I am wondering if he depressed or has something going on, but I don't care. There is only so much one can take before they don't want to try anymore for fear of being hurt. I believe him less and less each time.

So should I move forward with separation? Continue trying to do MB? I can't make him do MB and follow the plan, but I don't want the old relationship.

Have you considered attending Al-Anon meetings, which are for the spouse or other loved ones emotionally invested in an Alcoholics life?

Only you know when you are done, but it does not seem, from only your description of the past 2-4 weeks that the two of you have been following the MB program.

Besides checking his cell phone, have you had any other methods in place to monitor him and his activities?

Were the two of you scheduling AND following through with the 15-20 hours per week of UA time?

It sounds very rough emotionally for you and i even feel the renewed hurt you experienced by him bringing up stuff from the affair in his drunken stupor.

Is having SF with him when he is drunk something that you would prefer not to happen. That needs to be off limits if it were not POJA between you both.

Possibly, it is time for a very dark Plan B. Is this where you think you are heading, or would you prefer alternatives still?

LTL

Did you enrol in the MB online programme? If so, you have access to Dr H on the private forum, and also to your coach - but I assume you did not do the online course, since you did not mention those things.

If you are not in the online programme, I think you should email Dr H as you did in 2013 and update him on your situation. My feeling is that your H is bad news and you should have nothing to do with him. He is neglecting and abusing you, drinking, drinking away from home without you being with him and using pornography. Even those these things have only recently happened, and only once or twice, I think your H is not taking care of you and is a danger to you.

You should not have to beg or persuade him to be a good husband and father, now that his affair is over. He should be aching with gratitude for your having taken him back. Your not having done your MB homework for a few weeks has nothing to do with his drinking and staying out all night - he did that because he does not care and he will do it again.

I think you should contact Dr H, though, because you contacted him before and he rather surprised the forum by recommending that you try Plan A for three weeks, even though your H had left you. He thought your young age gave you a resilience, and he might think the same with this situation, so please ask his advice by emailing the radio show, urgently.

Sorry I have not been able to reply sooner. This was my last week of classes and I now just doing my Student Teaching!

It's been one week and I still feel scared. I absolutely hate this feeling of insecurity. I keep replaying the things he said while drunk, and it just hurts. I feel worse about myself, I feel like I cannot tell him things that bother me because then I am nagging!

No, we have not been spending the required amount of time of UA this week because I don't want to be with him and I don't want to say anything to him. It feels just like day one. He has been trying all week to spend time with me, helping out, and taking me out but I don't feel in love with him like I did just a few weeks ago. What he said and he has done has withdrawn so much from my account that being with him seems hopeless.

I don't feel he is being radically honest about everything and it really bothers me! As far as monitoring, yes he has GPS on his phone, I access all his accounts, money and online.

I have emailed Dr. Harley, but have not heard anything back yet.

I told him how I feel unsure about being with him and to give me time, he tells me he will show me he can change but then he goes and lays down to watch TV. I the think to myself, "Wow, this is you showing me?" So I guess I feel unsatisfied.

Last week was amazing, we spent all our time together, RC playing sports which I love, read LoveBusters, so I thought everything was great until his choice to drink. It just took me by surprise because that week had gone so well.

I finally felt ok with him yesterday and I asked him about MB, he said he does not understand why we have to do it but he will, he just thinks its all common sense. I said "It is, but if we could do it alone, none of this would be happening." I don't want to demand he do MB, but I don't want to be with him if does not want to change.

I remain confused, hurt, and feeling like day one of recovery. I asked him if he would speak to someone, he disagreed but then said sure if it would make me happy. I am hoping to but the online program soon, if I get the income, but will it make a difference if he does not want to do it? Will it be more encouraging if he has someone to guide him when I cannot?

I'm lost. Do I continue practicing MB principles without him and try and bring him along? Do I ask for a separation?

I think both of us, not just him, are not feeling fulfilled but don't know how to get there. I may just take a small loan from my father so I can purchase the MB online program, especially if it will help us both.

Thank you both, SC and LTL, you have both given me great advice. As always, coming hear helps guide me more.

When did you email Dr. Harley? If it has been a few days, notify the mods and ask them for help in getting in contact with him.

I think you need to stick to your guns about the drinking. If he wants to keep you, alcohol needs to be completely out of the picture.

Will he agree to never drink again? If he won't, I don't think this marriage is going to make it.

You should attend Al-Anon.
They can teach you how to emotionally detach from your husband, so there is not so much chaos in your life from his drinking.

The online program wont help your marriage as long as he is drinking.
Your priority should be to attend an alAnon meeting. In my local area, they have at least one meeting a day...so you can probably find one that you can attend

Is he in AA? Does he have a sponsor?

Hello everyone!

I'm sorry I don't drop in to reply sooner, but I do read the replies as soon as they are posted.

H took me out Friday, Sat we spent family time, and Sunday went out to the lake to jet ski! It was a very good weekend and deposited lots of love units!!

It's been about a week since I emailed Dr. Harley, do I just hit notify at the bottom?

AS far as drinking, I asked him yesterday if he was going to drink again. He replied with no, unless I drink something with him (not gonna happen!), but that he will never again drink to get drunk.. I don't believe him, because he told me this 3 times already and turned around and stayed out drinking. Last week was the first week he did not, so I am feeling anxious about this week now. Seems like I am back to living week to week.

He is not in AA, I looked up the groups and if I do choose to go, do I have to POJA it with him?

He also had asked to join a bible study group, and has started listening to christian hip hop music, which is a big step in my eyes!

Last night as we were about to fall asleep, I suddenly began thinking about him and OW getting physical. I grabbed him and it made him turn around and hug me and ask what was wrong. Well I told him, which I regretted immediately, and he replied with "Well both times we had sex was in the car, we just went to the hotel and nothing happened." I was beyond hurt and angry and replied with "That means you've been lying to me all along about how many time you saw her." He then replied "I'm kidding, I told you already what happened, I just don't want you to bring it up. You're hurting yourself." I replied "The affair is not something to joke about, and I wouldn't have something to hurt about if it hadn't happened." We did apologize and have been good all, but because of that comment I am now wondering if he has lied to me all along.

He has not done the poly because of the cost, so I don't know what else to do. I know we aren't supposed to bring up the past, so what do I do? Just ignore it? This is on top of the comments he made while drunk that he did indeed miss her ( which I know is part of withdrawal), which I had asked about. It means PORH had not been followed.

I guess what I am asking is do I let go of what he said while drunk and not bring it up? Do I ignore the comment last night? In the moment, I don't know how to handle those things...

I am for sure going to get the online program, but I think I have made it seem to him like some of you have said not to make it, which is fixing everything and it's time to study the books etc.

Sorry guys, I know I posted a book!

Yes, that will get you in touch with the mods.

No. You do not POJA attending AlAnon with him.
I would not tell him that you are going...just go. You will find people just like you there.

i think you can best handle these things by attending an AlAnon meeting. Just do it! It is anonymous, so nobody needs to know you are going.

So I just go? Do I say watch DS I'll be back? I haven't done anything without him since recovery began so it would cause problems. I could lie, but that seems pointless.

Yesterday he came home in a mood. It happens about once every two weeks or at least once a month. I don't know what it is but it drives me crazy and hurts like hell.

He acts withdrawn, so doesn't want to talk, no affection, no SF, very short tempered, and just looking for anything to argue about.

Yesterday I could tell the moment he walked in and didn't ask about my day and said he didn't want to play football or soccer today, which we usually do everyday while DS rides his bike. Well I feel my stomach start hurting, my mouth gets dry, and my heart starts getting heavy cause I know where this is headed. I asked him what's wrong he said he just wants peace and tranquility from his mind and all the stress.

I get it, we are broke, but its usually me who stresses, but this week I have been praying and praising God for what I have that I feel no worries because I know we will be okay.

I asked him if he would like for us to pray he says no he already did and it didn't help. So I say well when someone prays for you it helps. He reluctantly agrees and makes sure I know I'm forcing him. I was not trying to force him! I'm already in tears cause its been about 1 hour of him ignoring me and saying anything to start a fight. He asks why I'm crying and I say "because you are hurt and I don't know how to help or if you even want it". He says no "you're crying because you think I'm thinking about her". I ignore the comment along with many others. He also says he feels tension between us and in my head I'm like duh you are causing it! There was no tension yesterday or the day before or the whole weekend!

I end up praying for us and I immediately feel like a weight has been lifted. I pray again when we go inside and look in my bible, I find a verse dedicated to not worrying, it says do not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow has enough troubles of its own. I read it to him and he said that's awesome.

He didn't sleep last night and I know cause his tossing and turning kept waking me up. He didn't want to hug me but wanted me to caress him like I usually do every night.

It might be a DJ, but I asked him a few minutes ago before he went to work if he was going to come home today. He said yeah.

This is frustrating to deal with every month. We have no money because he stayed out drinking 3 days so couldn't go to work. Last week he said no over time because he wanted to spend time with me, now he regrets it.

How do I handle myself when he is stressed like that? Do I just continue practicing MB or back away and let him deal. He won't tell me anything so I don't know what else ,beside money, is stressing him out.

Thank you guys for everything.

Hello all, it is very early and H just left. He had a big AO last night again.

The weekend was great, Monday was great, Tuesday he's moody and its been that way all week. Finally yesterday he is out in the kitchen with me cooking and watching the football draft, we didn't POJA that. I am trying to talk to him about prayer and the church and it seems to be getting nowhere since he won't pay attention.

When we finally go to our room, he asks "How do you feel about me playing FIFA?" I reply back "Well, I felt that.." and I never got to finish because he started screaming that he can't do anything and he's tired of having to ask to do anything because he's not a little kid.

He also starts asking "Why can't you be like me and just say yes to everything I ask like I do for you." I reply because it does not work that way, one of us will end up resenting the other. Which proved true since he began saying how he even goes in the kitchen with me and it is still not enough.

Well I ask him if he could calm down cause he's scaring me, and I've stopped talking to which he replies "I hate when you just stop saying anything. Just say something" I just tell him I can't because of his anger.

After he repeats he hates the marriage because he didn't think it was supposed to be so much work, and he hates MB and nothing can be done unless its MBs way I say "If you don't like what we're doing you can go. I'm not going to force you to be here."

He of course replied "I'm leaving tomorrow." I finish my HW, and continue talking to him normally and pray for him but he just pushes me away and tells me to stop touching him and he does not want prayer he just wants to leave.

So here I am, I waited until he left to start putting things away because as cowardly as he is, he is probably going to come get his stuff while I'm teaching and our son is at school. He left without saying bye too.

I will be going to an Al Anon meeting tonight at 8 and they offer babysitting, so that will help take my mind away. I have also been praying and requested prayer for my husband on our Christian radio.

So I'm definitely going into Plan B, even if he does change his mind, because I very much dislike where our marriage is. I will continue on my walk with God because I know he is the one protecting me from the hurt I could be feeling, instead I feel calm.

Any advice?

I'm sorry your night was so horrible.

Was he drinking?

I agree you need to go into plan b.

Please post your plan B letter here.

Two of your conditions must be that he gets into AA and an anger management program before you will even consider reconciliation.

Very good idea to keep your AlAnon meeting.

No, no drinking. We were doing amazing, until that. I don't understand what's going he seems so out of it lately...

I don't feel like doing a Plan B letter, I just feel it would be worthless, especially since he already hates MB.

But, if you feel it necessary, you guys are the experts and I will follow through on it.

Just keep us in your prayers, whatever is His will, I will follow.

So how will he know what your conditions are?

True, I grabbed one from notable posts. I will edit it and post it up here later today. How will it get to him if he decides to show up when I'm not home to take his stuff?

You can always email it to him.

Do you have an IM?

Post it here for feedback.