My wife and I separated 2 months ago. Although really it has been about a year for any meaningful relationship. I was abusive, both verbally and mentally, calling her names and trying to tell her what to do. I also hid 2 habits from her as well, chewing and internet video viewing. We tried counseling for 8 months, but didn't get very far for us. She finally decided it best to leave. We also have 2 little girls, 4 and almost 2. We barely communicate and just get along for the kids. My problem is that continue to go to counseling on my own, and I am feeling better about myself and why I did what I did to understand how my past influenced my actions. My heart is breaking for how I treated her, and for not realizing what I did to really hurt her until recently. The full scope was never to see the real amount of damage until now. I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot win to save my marriage. I love my wife, and know that my communication skills or lack of are majorly to blame. But I cannot give up on her, and on us. I did the wrong thing and begged and pleaded a bit, now I am starting to just back off. I know it's the right thing to do. I guess I am just looking for a grain of hope. I do not want her back like it used to be, I just want to try and change me to be a better husband and father. Should I just throw in the towel, move on and let her go in peace? Just lost!!

A great book to read is Lovebusters by Dr. Willard Harley.

Have you ever had an affair?

Has she had an affair?

I have not had an affair, but she thought my internet addictions where like an affair. For her, I don't think so, but since separated I think she may at least be having an emotional affair with an old high school friend.

Welcome to MB.

What do you mean by "chewing"?

And "internet video viewing" - do you mean pornography?

Chewing tobacco, and yes pornography. I have chewed for years and she would threaten to leave if I didn't quit, so I would quit, but get addicted again and hide it. The Internet stuff was more recent since our sex life was non existence for almost 2 years.

There is a long thread in this forum started by a husband who was verbally abusive to his wife. She announced plans to divorce him and they were living separately. You can read the thread if you like http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2784914&page=all, but I'm recommending that you listen to the poster's conversation with Dr Harley on the radio show. Dr Harley gave him a blueprint to follow. I think you need to do exactly what was recommended to that poster.

Thank you, you are right on the very long thread. I have learned quite a few techniques on anger management, breathing, learning to feel the body and what it does. I can now feel the anger boil up, and start to control it. The hardest part is lack if any real good contact with wife. We have some dropping kids off and such, even the occasional text or call. I actually have something that may need an opinion. She called last week crying saying she was ready to give up, didn't say on what exactly, but she said that nothing she does ever works out. I just lost it and started crying with her, but then no contact or short texts at best. I think she is having trouble letting go to from the emotional attachment. That's the hardest thing to give up. We were both there for each other, two complicated births, school, and work stuff, she's a nurse high stress job, it's hard to just cut those off. I haven't argued in forever and just try to be as helpful as possible even when she is downright mean. I feel the shame and guilt for what I did, and that is very hard to work through. I've felt like giving up numerous times, but can't force myself to do it, I keep saying why give up, it's worth fighting for.

Have you listened to the radio segments? Dr Harley's advice is far more valuable than reading the posts on that thread!

Not yet have to wait till a bit later tonight for that. But I will listen and post some commentary.

I can't help but notice your name. Are you using anabolic steroids?

Never touched em old college joke!!

I just listened to all four if the radio segments. It was very informative, I have read 5 books around the subject, of either self help or marriage building. A lot if the stuff crosses over. Letting go is the hardest part of the lesson here. But the anger issues were somewhat eye opening, because I have noticed doing some of the things like facing adverse situations and trying get through them without anger outburst. Driving, work, and my kids and dogs were big ones. I have been trying to stop and think instead of just blowing up or screaming or whatever I would do in the past. The controlling thing as well was a good pointer. Letting go would help that some I think. I have been working on that as well for months, but really was silly when she left in the first place. So it's a work in progress, thanks again for the links to the radio listening. Very appreciated.

Listen to these clips.
Anger Management 101

I listened to those segments as well. All good suggestions just need to apply them. I'm actually getting a better perspective of letting go with her. I think I have finally had enough emotional moments and crying to finally be able to do it.

Are you on any ADs to help you through this?

yes i am taking an AD. actually have been for a time. I grew up in a very abusive and violent mother and father. have lots of issues with that as well. I was basically abandoned my all males in my family at a young age, had two sisters and mother. I was the oldest and very protective, I think this came over into my marriage. I never trusted she could do the right thing and was always trying to fix all her problems. when I couldn't fix the problem I would become angry, and not listen to her fully. I just wanted to take over and control her. On the AD thing, I was offered to add another medication as well to help more, but I want to feel some of the pain, I think it helps to learn more about my mistakes in general, and helps me want to fix what I can.
Back to family stuff, I was the one who busted up fights and hid my sisters in closets or under the bed. It got bad enough that when I got older, I actually got into a fight woth my father, punches and all. I even thought seriously about suicide at one point in time some 21 years ago. But now that I have kids, I could never do anything to hurt them like that.
Recently, I have told my parents about some of these events from my past. and tried to get it off my chest, actually apologized to my mother for holding a grudge on her for making me grow up,so young, and be the one that had to try and do everything. Dear lord, I even used my summer jobs money to buy things for the family, food and clothes and such. It did feel good and I even got emotional after I apologized. I reliaze that my anger is under my control, but others actions are not. Just took half a lifetime almost to learn this fact.
I am even trying to get to a point to forgive my father, but that will take some time. All the hurt and pain and now all this hurt and pain, its too much to try and get over all at once. I hope you can forgive the lomg rant on non marital stuff, but felt like getting it out. The more I talk about things, the better they seem to get.
I think I had a definite back step today with the wife, didnt realize until too late. I was wore out and exhausted from lack of sleep, went to pickup my girls, and was just short and she said she was going to study allweekend for summer college course, and I said good for you. Didnt mean anything by it, but realized when I left she had a puzzled look on her face. Didnt sink in till about halfway home. That hurt, but I also realized that it wasnt as much as normal. Usually I would cry for most of the drive home, this time, I just thought nothing to do now, cant beat myself up over it. Thats it for now!!!

So what is your next step?

Will you email Dr. Harley?

Never thought about it yet. I have so many questions, I don't think I could narrow it down that much. But I will think about it and see what I can come up with. Thanks for the suggestion though. Every little bit helps right now.

I sent in an email to the radio program. thanks again for the heads up!!