I can not seem to figure out how to work the quote thing.

I want to respond to everything you said...but to summit up, you are right on all accounts. He his a selfish pig, and I am romanticizing. I always see the good and positive in every situation. Benefits me at work, character flaw in personal life, apparently.

I gave him conditions. I am going to do my best to do as you suggest. I do know this is the only way it will work. This will be the hardest thing for me. I don't want to miss being there for my kids, they count on me to be there. I want to be there I will report back and let you know if I failed at plan B. I will try very hard to separate myself emotionally from the new friendship we have developed

Please know I appreciate the support. I can do this and I will try!

I am a very positive, optimistic person myself. But I am a REALISTIC PERSON. What I see here is an attempt to define deviancy down and pretend like he is something he is not. He is no better than a rapist. He has done a horrible thing to you and your children and that cannot and should not be romanticized.

You hurt him terribly by enabling him with these romanticized descriptions of his horrible behavior against his family.


If you want to help yourself and your kids, you will start taking plan B seriously and make sure you do not EVER see your husband. I don't think you take this seriously and as such, are headed for a disaster.

Your kids need to have a mentally sane mother much more than they need to have you sitting in the bleachers each and every night. Do you understand that women have nervous breakdowns from enduring this kind of abuse? Who will take care of your children if you are in the mental ward? I will tell you who: it will be your cheating husband and his OW. Is there any sports game that is worth that?

You need to wake up, my friend! There is a very good reason that women are only supposed to be in Plan A for 3-4 weeks. It is because beyond that they start having nervous breakdowns and suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

I know you can!! And we will help you!!

Thank you. That is very good information. While I do think I am in an emotionally strong place and have "moved on"...really who am I kidding. He knows and I know, I am just waiting it out. I refuse to be emotionally destroyed by this though. Thank you for the insight!

Thank you!!!

Do I need to tell tell him I am going no contact? Will he think I just don't care anymore and be pushed closer to "her".

The emotional breakdown will happen fast and will happen before you know it. Most don't see it coming. Which is why Dr Harley set a hard and fast rule of 3 to 4 weeks. [unless he is personally counseling them and even then he is pretty strict about it] I worry about you especially because you have a tendency to not realize or understand how bad things really are.

I see you defining things in a very odd, unrealistic manner which means you don't recognize the train headed your way. You probably sense it is bad but are in the habit of painting an alternative reality to yourself. That only works so long, though, until you begin to suffer emotional and physical harm.

Yes, you should write him a letter and change your locks. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? But first, it is vital that you are taking this seriously and will cut off all contact with him. Otherwise, he will know you are not serious.

What he will do when you send him the letter is go crazy and try to get back in contact. He will not losing control of you. He wants to keep you on the side as an option because he likes getting his needs met in 2 places.

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other mater, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

I know are probably right. I didn't realize it until just now. I may be in denial...sweeping the gravity of the situation under the rug. I did this one other time in my life, when my father was dying about 15 years ago. I knew it was his time, but I acted like everything was fine...like I didn't understand what was really happening, until it was too late. It was a train wreck. Duly noted.

Does the OW live with her boyfriend? What is going on with the affair? What does the BF know?

So they are ok with the fact that your husband moved out to pursue his workplace adultery? Do they know they could be legally liable? Many betrayed spouses have won civil suits against companies that condoned/ignored workplace affairs.

The boyfriend knows everything and they aren't living together. I did not ask the details of the affair, although the little bit the boyfriend told me, I didn't want to hear more. I just don't want to hear the details right now. if we reconcile in the future, I will ask to know everything. I know it is bad, and he knows I know.

I'm not sure if they know they may be legally liable or not. Probably not.

Thanks for the sample letter. I think I mirrored something similar in the letter I gave him today. It did mention no contact and all that, but he also knows it was written a month a ago.

I would get in touch with him and get as much information as possible. It would also help if you contacted her parents and family members and asked them to persuade their skanky daughter to leave your husband alone.

Your H and skanky have probably lied to them about his marital status and they need to know the truth. They need to know he abandoned his family and his wife so he could shag their daughter.

I'm confused.
You earlier wrote that you gave him a "plan B" letter.
What exactly did the letter say?
Dr. Harley's definition of a Plan B letter is: No contact until the affair ends

Have you spoken with an attorney?
If not, you should contact one ASAP and tell him/her that your husband has abandoned the family and you need child support and legal protection

It made me worried when you described crawling into bed with your child when the boyfriend called. I think you are numb to how much pain you are really in.

It won't seem uncaring for you to say in a letter how much and that the insult of contact hurts you. It looks more uncaring to be so numb to the betrayal.


I'm concerned that the workplace haven't been given a proper exposure letter which WARNS them how liaible they are if they ignore such a thing.

I'm also concerned that you 'think' your Plan B letter was like the one Dr H advises. Your thinking sounds a bit foggy.

Can you see adoctor for anti depressants? It will keep the wolves from the door while you handle this.

After the initial shock and subsequent sadness on Tuesday in finding out the truth, I have had plenty of time to think about all of is. It remains to be seen, but the truth is, I just don't have time to grieve and be sad about any of this. Am I compartmentalizing..I don't know. I truly am in a happy place since he left. I got a promotion at work, have many more responsibilities, I'm very busy with this house and the kids, Memorial Day weekend activities, and planning a week long business trip next week, not to mention I still need to prepare my brief.

When I made the decision a month ago to be happy whether he comes back or not, it really empowered me and gave me peace with the situation. He has been mostly cold to me until about a week ago. I've said before I was not very nice to him in some respects, so I have made some changes and maybe he noticed them in the past week. Maybe not. All I know is most of our very brief interaction has been cold and nonexistent. He has really not had an opportunity to enjoy "me" or witness me being nice to him aside from this past Sunday. All he is left with are memories of how I failed him and how we failed each other. Doesn't justify what he did (and he acknowledged that) but I'm sure his new romance still looks better than the one he left.

I am in a happy place; he is not and is spiraling downhill fast. I can't help him and I don't want to help him. He needs to figure himself out and get his head screwed back on. If he wants to come back, great, if not, then we will survive.

Now that I no longer believe they are just friends and I am left with the loss of someone I respected and trusted more than anyone else, I'm just not sure I can forgive him. Maybe I would, but right now, at this moment, I just want to kick him to the curb. To do no contact, would be me committing to an action or plan involving a goal of getting him to come home and rebuild our marriage. I want the husband and marriage I had...not this lying, cheating person that has placed doubts in my head for ever.

Maybe I will feel different in a week after I have time to slow down other things in my life and think about what I want to do about us and which way I want to go with this. I do love him. I just can't see fighting for someone who I lost all respect for. No contact is a form of fighting with a purpose. Right now, I'm going back to moving on, with no purpose other than ensuring my kids and I are happy and enjoying our lives and if he wants me, it will be all him...his fight, his decision.

I know I may sound cold and uncaring, but I do love him and care about him. He is my best friend. I just need more time around him (even if it is just two minutes here and there) to decide if this man is even worthy of my love and companionship again. My intentions need to be solid before I implement no contact.

Maybe I will feel different once I have had more time to deal with all of this. Thank you all for the really great advice. Your advice is all I have right now and I will be back to read it over and over again as I move forward.

That is absolutely not the goal of Plan B and I don't know where you got this idea. The purpose of Plan B is to remove you from his affair. By staying in contact with him, you cause severe harm to your emotional and physical health. This is why Dr Harley recommends that women go into Plan B very early on. NOT as a ploy to get their husband back, but to protect their mental health.

No one would fault you one bit if you decided to end your marriage. That is an entirely individual choice and is yours to make. But, you should go into Plan B for your best interest and the best interest of your children.

You won't be able to make sound decisions about your future with him in your life because his affair will keep you in a state of impaired judgment. Your judgment is impaired NOW. If you want to make sound decisions based on stable emotions, you will go into Plan B.

However, I don't believe you when you say you want to move on. I have a feeling you are saying this so you can convince us it is a good idea to keep him in your life. Because you can't let go. Am I right?

Hanging on as his "option" makes you much less attractive and just makes it more likely he will divorce you for the OW. It actually narrows your options.