Fantastic, let us know what they say.

Actually got my question answered today. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, how hard it is to come back from separation, but still very logical answers to my question. Thanks again everyone

He said that was nearly impossible to come back from separation due to the control and abuse. That I needed to her what I was doing to try and change such as coming to marriage builders, and to try and stop the habits I have. Possible to do, but takes time and effort. Said it was very easy to get back into, if we got back together, because her actions could cause the same affect on me, getting angry, and controlling. Did say he was going to send a couple copies of love busters one for each, to see if she would read. That's going to be a tough one, but I will try lovingly. Just take work and no telling if she would ever come back.

Well working on yourself and making yourself a better person sounds like a good plan. You can only control yourself.

Have you talked to her recently?

we talk from time to time, usually just dropping off the kids. she may text something from time to time. I am trying to just be nice and supportive, not talk about us much, from time to time maybe a little. She did say recently, that she is in no hurry to file for divorce, that may be a good sign. Hard with kids too, they are almost 5 and almost 2. the older one is getting emotional at times, hard to try and keep my emotions bottled up in front of them, but I am trying my best.

Did Dr. Harley read your question on the radio show?

Okay so what is your plan to work on you and to change these bad habits she didn't like?

Yes his wife read it on the program. I have been using different techniques to try and control anger. Breathing exercises, confronting stressful situations in a different light, and stopping to think before I talk or get mad. I have seen a noticeable improvement in myself. There was also a lot if resentment I held in. I have been trying to focus on good things more than bad things of late. When I handle a stressful situation the right way I make a mental note and then try to review at night. Being able to focus on what's right instead of what wrong helps out immensely. I find that thinking about negative thoughts all the time just drags you down, and that was a big problem for me. It got to where I was thinking I wasn't good enough for her, and that was bad.

The worst part about all of this. I have finally drawn a line in the sand, on the right is the me from my marriage, angry, resentful, hurt, and on the left the me that is going to become a better man, be it husband and father. I looked at my imaginary line, and said, I will no longer be on the right side, I don't like that guy he was not what I really want to be. The guy on the left is the real me, the one that makes me happy, and full of life. This in itself is wonderful, however the guilt of seeing my wife suffer, drags me down sometimes. It is getting better, but what can you do, when your wife doesn't want help, is content being angry and hurt, and generally just wants to hurt you back for all the pain you caused her. I deserve and can take it, but what about the feelings of just wanting to be loving and caring. It's so hard to drop those at the door each day on the way out, at least the ones for her. What do you do?

Having been in exactly that situation, I'll tell you what I did: I learned how to recognize and eliminate love busters on my part, particularly disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts; I studied and practiced making massive love bank deposits every day in whatever way my wife would let me, taking advantage of every opportunity to be with her alone or to have the family together, doing something enjoyable in each case; I learned about the three states of mind in marriage and learned that when my wife moved from Withdrawal to Conflict she would come out swinging and prepared myself for that; and I learned to address the concerns of my Taker without love busting, expressing respectful complaints and thoughtful requests to my wife, recognizing that until my wife moved into the state of Intimacy she would not care and would continue hurting me, and avoiding dwelling on mistakes of the past or present. Also, when push came to shove, I took antidepressants when I felt the above was more than I could deal with.

The end result was a great marriage!

Recognize that these feelings of guilt aren't helping you or your wife. Learn to shut them up - use them only as a reminder of what you should be doing, rather than as a reason for inaction.

To put it a little less respectfully: don't be such a drama queen! (Like I used to be. )

Did you notice how you posted that your feelings of guilt are dragging you down ...


... but then you subtly implied that your wife shouldn't continue to feel the way she does?


Think about that for a minute. What's wrong with her being "content" being angry and hurt? After all, you DID hurt her, right? If she is the one who is hurt, why is she the one who needs to get over her feelings, while your feelings are paralyzing you? If your feelings about it are that strong - think how strong her feelings are! After all, she is your victim, right? It would be ridiculous for her to be feeling fine and dandy right now while you are paralyzed with guilt over how you hurt her. Give her the grace for her immobilizing feelings that you are looking for for your own.

If your wife says or does something to try to hurt you, end the conversation, or change the subject. It's as simple as that. Protect yourself without retaliating, then try again later. It is really quite simple, and you can keep yourself perfectly safe. Once you know how to keep yourself perfectly safe, it becomes much easier to keep making additional attempts to make love bank deposits.

Good advice, it's hard while separated though. I can take the negativity, learning how to not bust the love so to speak. The drama queen comment was dead on, funny too, because I thought the same thing. I think that's why I am better each day a bit. Can try to squelch the negative feelings in me, and just focus on positive.

Most of Markos' advice can be done while separated.
Keep in mind that he and I were separated for a short time as well. He is not telling you to do anything he hasn't done himself.

Take the emphasis off of feelings and onto action.

Your victim lies bleeding and hurting, and in your hands is the equipment for the medical attention she needs. (Although you still need a little bit of training with some of it.) Don't stand around talking or thinking about how you feel - give her emergency treatment!

You will feel better after she has recovered. And I believe that you possess everything that is necessary for a full recovery, if you will use your intelligence and take the emphasis off of feelings and put it on action.

Every once in a while a reality check is a good thing. I didn't see the controlling part of my sentences. It's easy to fall back into the traps. Thank you!!

Your victim lies bleeding and hurting, and in your hands is the equipment for the medical attention she needs. (Although you still need a little bit of training with some of it.) Don't stand around talking or thinking about how you feel - give her emergency treatment!

What do you mean by this? That I just need to be loving and caring? I can't lie, I never was very romantic, I only saw pain growing up and never really knew how to be. I am trying to learn what I can, but it seems so new. Thanks again for the pointers.

You are in the right place to learn; this is Marriage Builders after all. Dr. Harley frequently deals with men who say they don't know how to be affectionate or "that's just not me," etc. But it is a set of habits and skills that can be learned and practiced.

Re-read the Basic Concepts, giving special attention to the three states of mind in marriage. As you learn to eliminate love bank withdrawals and make massive love bank deposits, your wife's state of mind will progress from withdrawal, to conflict (she'll come out swinging), to intimacy. As long as you are persistent, and unflinching in your efforts to eliminate the withdrawals, her feelings toward you will eventually change.

Where most of us trip up is when we start trying to justify the behaviors on our own part that are love bank withdrawals.


It's a learned skill - I was terrible at it. I can't recommend this highly enough: listen to Marriage Builders Radio every day, and help some other men here learn to recognize disrespectful judgments they are making. You will help yourself to learn to pick up on this, so you can eliminate it.

Thank you so much for the pointers. The world needs more people like yourself not afraid to help. It was hard to put the story out there, but it's so worth it to get some decent ideas from people who have been there. I am actually going on the radio program next week as a call in. Hope that goes well, I'm sure it will though.

Fantastic. What day will you be on?

Thank you - as I hinted at, one of my primary motivations is that by helping other men learn to recognize their own disrespect and abuse, it becomes possible to recognize one's own! It's a lot easier to be objective about someone else's situation, which gets you in the habit of looking at your own situation that way.


It's fantastic that you are going on the show! Joyce and Dr. Harley are friendly and great at helping you feel at ease. Tell them I said hi!