BB, my dear, you are devastated because you are trying to contact him. If you would force yourself to stop doing that, you would feel much better, much faster.

YOU need to decide where you want to go next. Do you envision him making a dramatic 180 degree turn in his role as a husband? Up until now, he has done a pathetic job at meeting your needs and making you happy. Rather, he has made you miserable by treating you cruelly.

Please take your life back and file for divorce. Have him served and then send him a nice Plan B letter, telling him what it will take to reconcile with you. If he makes a radical change in his approach at being a husband, you can drop the divorce. If he doesn't, you will end up divorced. You are much better off divorced if he won't change. So you win regardless of what he does.

Please contact an attorney and file for divorce. And commit to never trying to contact him again, other than to send him a Plan B letter.

BB,
Did you see the IC this past week? How did that go?

You do not want to wait on your husband to take action and change. Your husbands cruelty towards you is based on his indifference towards your welfare.

You are compounding his cruelty if you do not take full charge of your own welfare. Protect yourself as Melody Lane has described. Seal yourself off from the direct and indirect forms of cruelty.

You do not have to exist like this. Let the past go. When you are tired, hungry, lonely, sad, post here, call a nearby friend or family member (you are not a burden), call or visit your Paster/clergy person, take a walk, call your new therapist. And yes, go get that puppy---its time.

My therapist called these flare ups depressive cycles.

At dinnertime last night I received this e-mail:

"BB, I had hoped my non-responsiveness might be perceived as no interest in communicating right now.

Please, I think no contact is best, for some time.

Take Care,"



So clearly I need to call it quits. He is not going to step up to the plate and change. Done the NPD "devalue and discard.". I know he thinks I'm too blame for it all too.

Plus I am sure there's an OW in the picture now.
Guess I will call a lawyer.

Honey there's always been an OW in the picture. His callous behaviour too is no different than it is has ever been.

I really get pissed off with this 'awhile' and 'some time' business he is selling. He is enjoying having you in the dog house and means for no contact to be under his control and for it to weaken you. He knows that by dropping in words like 'awhile' he keeps you on a string of taut hope. He is waiting for his prey to starve on hope and loneliness before resuming his sexual abuse of you alongside his infidelities. It's horrendously cruel - and you are falling for it!

The only person who can change is you. I think you should delete his contact details, change your own, make sure it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to contact you so you take this no contact business out of his hands. Get a formal IM and Plan B letter sent, I also agree you should file for divorce.


Let him think on that awhile.

I am Furious with him - why aren't you? Do you enjoy being a doormat?

What did you think this cruel man was going to do when you shuffled up with your begging bowl and no standards yet AGAIN?

Think of your poor mother and how worried she must be about your self destructiveness.

You WILL be a sad lonely old lady if you keep making these choices.

Indie:

You're right and I see how my behavior is a repeat of what happened in my first marriage, where I let that H walk all over me, abuse me verbally and physically, while I DID NOTHING. Sure, I left a few times, but never filed for divorce and therefore never met a man I could have children with and a different life.

All I've known is Narcissistic, controlling and cruel partners it seems. I'm so used to it, that it seems normal where to others it stands out as horrific behavior.

I have resolved not to contact him again except through the lawyer - no big deal for him, he's done it twice already and never even blinked.

I hope he finds his pie in the sky "XXX buddy" since that's all he seems to care about. Yes I am angry that I got sucked into his disordered way of thinking and invested way too much time loving someone who had nothing to give except "smoke and mirrors."

He will go through many more lovers, wives and gfs and probably end up alone. Eventually, the smarter ones will see through his fa�ade of normalcy. Because it is just a fa�ade. Hopefully the next gf will not ignore all the red flags - the marriages, the cheating, the 25 (or more) lovers, sex with multiple partners, and the porn. I remember when we first reconnected, and he tried to have internet sex with me -- I didn't do it, but it should have raised a HUGE red flag warning that this was already an entrenched part of his lifestyle -- but I was so innocent I didn't think about it enough. After my sexless previous marriage, I thought it was normal for men to do this -- it is not!

If he really loved me, he never would have done things in this cruel way - which has been designed to cause me maximum pain and even perhaps revenge for my breaking up with him over 40 years ago.

The tears must end today. Seeing IC tomorrow.

Thank god.

You go Girl!!!

BB,
Yes, this way of life you'd adopted goes back farther then your husbands abuse ---so its tough to pull out of a cycle like this.

I think many of us can relate to being rejected by the very people that vowed to love and cherish us. The experience can reopen deeper old wounds. And its these old wounds that can work for us through action or against us by remaining passive.

I too have battled with self rejection when abandoned. Just a year ago I saw myself growing healthy. Its back then when I saw myself as God see's me and accepts me---and yet HE does not reject me.

Its not that I suddenly did not have rejections to deal with. First my husbands disloyalty and a short time later my Mother's complete betrayal as a mother to me when my father died. Still, with all I'd learned here and my faith in God's care for me I have not failed myself. This is possible for you too, BB!

Thanks everyone for our continued support and lifting me up.

I'm sad my H has thrown away my love for him and all or memories for the sake of SF needs which I could have met (at least part way) if he had been willing to spend UA time with me and provide some intimate conversation. But in his world, all women are supposed be constantly available no matter what he does or does not do.

Ugh have to stop thinking of HIM and his actions.

thanks

You're going to be ok Bluebird51. You've taken the first step in reclaiming your life. That is HUGE! By that one scary, important act, you are telling the most important person in your life that she matters and deserves so much better, you. I don't know everything you have gone through. I read your first post and skimmed through the middle and then the most recent. But I read enough that I feel comfortable telling you, you ARE going to be ok and one day, if you keep believing in yourself and gaining confidence that you are a wonderful and beautiful person, you will be much more than ok. You'll be happy.

Keep your head up...you're doing great

thank you Tamak - hope things work out for you as well.

You're welcome and Thank you

He's still in NC with me. How long should I wait before contacting him or having lawyer contact him? It's just scary getting lawyer involved. I still have this tin shred of hope he may come around.

Should I wait another month? I'm going on with life in the meantime and don't feel pushed to move on with divorce so I can start dating or anything. So should I just stay in NC?

I would go ahead and file and just get that going. Don't contact your husband, let the lawyer do that.

I agree BB. Let a lawyer handle things and get it moving.

How can he be in NC with you? Haven't you changed your details anyway?

I think you should if you haven't. Being available keeps you hanging on in hope.

What is going on in YOUR world?

Had IC appointment. She thinks H may have NPD as he exhibits many of the signs. I hate to label someone like that but it is what it is. She said NPD men especially never change and it's like hitting your head against a wall to make the relationship work.

She advised me to get on with positive activities - fill up time with family , friends, volunteering - much as has been suggested by the kind people here.

I feel a bit better now on the ADs, but still get huge pangs when triggered by a memory.

The hardest part, is wondering if he ever really loved me at all.

thanks

Been there. I'd say yes, but I've redefined my definition of love from the magic Hollywood cure-all version to the MB version.

In MB terms love and commitment are separate things. Love is the feeling you get from having your needs met. Even renters and freeloaders don't marry a non needs meter they have no love for. Especially not them.

I'd say my WXH loved me for the needs I met but that didn't make him committed. He loved me but he was wired to leave the moment life, illness, bereavement or just about anything interfered with his feelings.

I am still as much of a romantic as ever but now I value commitment over love.

You are quite the writer, you always seem to be able to write what I feel but am never able to express. This is vintage Indie.

Yes I agree!
Thanks Indie