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No not in a position financially to do that.
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It doesn't seem to me that you are taking this seriously enough. Your W is in an affair and you aren't going to make any progress in your M until the A ends.
You need to figure out a way to get evidence of the affair, and we can help you but we can't do all the work. You are just shooting all the suggestions down, not coming up with any of your own idea, not asking any questions, posting sporadically.
And yes, it is still worth it to check out the phone records if you have them.
Last edited by SusieQ; 05/27/14 08:55 AM.
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No not in a position financially to do that. Then figure out a way to make it happen! Your M depends on it.
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No not in a position financially to do that. 95% of people say that here until they realize that they need to get serious about killing the affair....then they somehow seem to figure out a way to make it happen.
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No not in a position financially to do that. 95% of people say that here until they realize that they need to get serious about killing the affair....then they somehow seem to figure out a way to make it happen. You are going to have to get creative!
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I was just on the radio with the Harley's. We talked a bit about affair stuff. They seem to think that it's just as good to wait it out and let the affair die, if in fact there is one. Snoop around a bit, but hard to find out for sure. Dr. Harley advice and amended plan B, limited contact, and do not reach out at all. I know for sure it's at least an emotional affair. That is bad enough, but if it's an emotional affair, do you handle outing it the same way. The W has yet to say why she left me to any family really. She said that she was embarrassed to tell everyone no sex for a year and all the fighting(her words recently). Them says she doesn't want sex or relationship right now, and just wants to survive. Now do I beleive that all no, but the lines are blurred. My marriage is very important to me, but so are my kids, and anything to hurt that would kill me. I will do what I have to though to try and save it. Thanks for all the advice, it's good to be woke up on occasion and realize the importance.
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Wow, I just listened to your show and while I was screaming SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!! Dr Harley said the same thing. I sent Joyce and Dr Harley about what is happening here: Hi Joyce, I wanted to tell you that the caller today is a classic case that we see on the forum every day.
First off, waywards ALWAYS manufacture and exaggerate grievances about their spouse in order to justify the affair. The goal is to keep the focus on the "bad behavior" and away from her affair so she can say they left because of the "bad marriage" rather than the affair. When they are wayward, it is hard to tell truth from fiction. They do this in order to justify the affair. That way, they feel better about their cruel actions if their spouse is a "demon."
And sure, there are usually problems in the marriage, which we do address. But we can't get a true reading from a wayward.
The second trait that we see all the time is that a betrayed husband will embrace those manufactured grievances and feel great guilt. By taking accountability, they feel more in control and they are also under the illusion that taking responsibility for these things will have an impact and cause her to stop her affair. It never works, of course, because the REAL problem is the affair.
Almost every wayward wife accuses her husband of being controlling. It is most often not true. Sometimes it is, but usually that is the pat response to his objections to her affair.
Hope this makes sense! Thanks for all you do!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We are separated at the time. So most of this stuff, is a no go. Don't really know where to go from here? If I can't access anything not much snooping to do. I have access to phone bill, but wont do much good without other stuff to confront with. I would figure it out. Your marriage depends on bringing the affair out into the open and killing it. All of your attempts at meeting her needs will be for naught if there is an affair going on. Figure this out, my friend, even if you have to stake out her house for a night. What about slipping a GPS on her car?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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They seem to think that it's just as good to wait it out and let the affair die, if in fact there is one. Snoop around a bit, but hard to find out for sure By waiting it out, they don't mean sit idle. The affair has to be exposed and the way you do that is by snooping.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. I would go to the OM's facebook page TODAY and copy and paste all of his contacts into a text doc for safekeeping.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I can't stake out her house she lives 40 minutes away and I have my kids to take care of. She won't do it in front of kids. I have asked my oldest questions in regards to that. I will keep trying other ways, but am literally broke and can't do anything that costs money for the kids sake. I am almost to the point of saying if all of this is needed, what is the point. I am kind of to the point of not wanting the emotional strain anymore at all.
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I can't stake out her house she lives 40 minutes away and I have my kids to take care of. She won't do it in front of kids. I have asked my oldest questions in regards to that. I will keep trying other ways, but am literally broke and can't do anything that costs money for the kids sake. I am almost to the point of saying if all of this is needed, what is the point. I am kind of to the point of not wanting the emotional strain anymore at all. \ You can't find a babysitter? This is for the kids sake, after all. There is NOTHING more important to them than an intact family.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The only I can see to do at this point is to confront him straight up. I am not a good sneaker or go behind kind of guy. I really think I should just confront him, and get it over with!!
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Wow, I just listened to your show and while I was screaming SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!! Dr Harley said the same thing. I sent Joyce and Dr Harley about what is happening here: Hi Joyce, I wanted to tell you that the caller today is a classic case that we see on the forum every day.
First off, waywards ALWAYS manufacture and exaggerate grievances about their spouse in order to justify the affair. The goal is to keep the focus on the "bad behavior" and away from her affair so she can say they left because of the "bad marriage" rather than the affair. When they are wayward, it is hard to tell truth from fiction. They do this in order to justify the affair. That way, they feel better about their cruel actions if their spouse is a "demon."
And sure, there are usually problems in the marriage, which we do address. But we can't get a true reading from a wayward.
The second trait that we see all the time is that a betrayed husband will embrace those manufactured grievances and feel great guilt. By taking accountability, they feel more in control and they are also under the illusion that taking responsibility for these things will have an impact and cause her to stop her affair. It never works, of course, because the REAL problem is the affair.
Almost every wayward wife accuses her husband of being controlling. It is most often not true. Sometimes it is, but usually that is the pat response to his objections to her affair.
conclusions
Hope this makes sense! Thanks for all you do! Did Joyce or Dr. Harley reply to your observation and address your conclusions? LTL P.S. I once, a long time ago read a very insightful article addressing how a Wayward/Cheating Spouse will Demonize their own Spouse to justify and rationalize their own putrid immoral affair. Yes, in my case i accepted all of the criticism and carried my own burden of guilt while continuing to address all of her charges, whether they were trumped up exaggerations or even partially based on any portion of a semblance of a truthful reality. I figured if that was how she felt, then it must be true, at least from her point of view, even if the perspective was skewed due to her affair(s).
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No we didn't quite get to all of that.
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The only I can see to do at this point is to confront him straight up. I am not a good sneaker or go behind kind of guy. I really think I should just confront him, and get it over with!! That would be a Big misstep at this point. He will only deny it and say theybare "Just Friends" anyways. You need some convincing evidence and to hit the affair where an exposure will definitely deliver it a sound blow to destroy the fantast and ruin the story of how their "Friendship" just naturally took on a romantic twist of it's own after you were so abusive. With that story, this POSOM will be convincing himself and others that he was just the White Knight in Shining Armor who saved your Wife from your abuse. Is that the Fairy Tale that you want your children to grow up accepting? LTL
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The other stuff took up too much time. I am looking at proof that an I love you was sent via email. I have access to her email.
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No we didn't quite get to all of that. I was inquiring if Melody received a reply, not if your discussing evolved further down that road. LTL
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The only I can see to do at this point is to confront him straight up. I am not a good sneaker or go behind kind of guy. I really think I should just confront him, and get it over with!! Confront him with what?
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But it looks like a friendship email to me.
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